Page Two
       “AN OPEN LETTER
         TO MR. CHRIS SHAW”
        Well, Chris, you've gone and done it.  You said you might.  God knows you threatened to enough times.  But we didn't think you'd really go through with it.  No, we said, when the chips are down, when the going gets rough, Chris is a Nooz man, first and foremost.  We wouldn't do it to him, we told ourselves, and he won't do it to us.  Chris is our pal, we thought.  But now you've gone and done it, and there's no turning back.
      It seems that once again you have reinstated your legal action against us for defamation of character and breach of contract and malicious ridiculing.  Chris, we tried for months and months to work out our problems with you in a spirit of friendliness and good will.  We thoughtfully invited you to take over the 'Recommended Reading' section yourself, we generously allowed you to take an extended leave of absence when you needed it, we graciously permitted you to come back to the Nooz as West Coast correspondent, and we even offered to fly you down to Brazil to join the search for Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho once your Arrowhead water delivery arrived.  We gave you an almost unlimited expense account, a spacious office on the top floor of the Nooz building, a fancy red sports car, all the dried and fried gobo roots you and your family could possibly eat, and your own raincoat.  Chris, what happened?  What went wrong?  What could we have done?  You used to be our respected colleague, our trusted confidant, our friend.  Is this how you repay us?  All of us here, from publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. down to the most insignificant paper flattener, are shaking our collective head.
      This isn't the way we would have handled things in the old days.  No, in the old days loyalty meant something.   In the old days you wouldn't stab a friend in the back while he wasn't looking.  In the old days you wouldn't go around filing lawsuits and seeking injunctions just because your name was used a bunch of times without your permission and numerous references were made to spurious and ridiculous-sounding articles supposedly written by you in the Reader's Digest.  But those were the old days, and times have apparently changed.
      Even now, Chris, we extend the open hand of hard-headed cameraderie and sincere fair play to you, and we are very much looking forward to your next exciting contribution from the West Coast.		  
 

ANCIENT SCROLL Cont. from page 1.

agile African, to where a bare outcropping of rock and
dry earth loomed ahead.
      Suddenly, the assistant pointed to something that
was protruding from beneath a flat rock, and gasped.
“Nakuru simbi basutu okawa onobi efe-efe,” he said
loudly, waving his arms and jumping up and down.
“Awatu efe wataba nabulu,” the Professor responded in
mounting excitement. He slowly lifted the rock and saw
beneath it an object of such a curious nature that we
can hardly describe it, except to say that it was quite
evidently of ancient origin. It was smaller than a small
baboon's head and smelled funny. He carefully removed
it from its hiding place and gently wrapped it in his
monogrammed kerchief. It seemed to be made of.... Well,
we better not go into that here.  It was very brittle, so he
held it gently in his hands, the assistant running ahead
to scare off the snakes, until he was back in camp.
      Later that night, as the hot African starlight poured
down on Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice's little camp and
after Prenter-Sprague had retired, the wily old scientist
 
ARTIFACT IDENTIFIED
AS ANCIENT SCROLL
(Reuters)  Adudu, Badongo-Gazimbi.  The artifact
mysteriously discovered last fall by Dr. Professor
Miedzyrzecz von Chechowice-Dziedzice was an
ancient scroll, it was revealed on Monday.  It was
approximately 4" long and weighed 8.29oz.  It was
found at the south end of Lake Badongo, beyond
the taxi stand, about 295 meters from the shoreline,
in that dry culvert there next to the telephone pole.
      An initial translation indicates that it could be a
record of early primate history of some sort, and it
makes some astonishing claims.  For instance, the
first primates apparently came down from Mt.
Mpika around 200 million months ago [BOY, ARE
WE GLAD WE DON'T HAVE A FEATURE
CALLED “200 MILLION MONTHS AGO
TODAY.” HAH-HAH-HAH. --Ed.] and took up residence in Morongoro Crater.  Fortunately,
others soon followed, and the primate line came
into being.
      Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice took full credit
for the discovery even though his chief assistant,
a native named Akula, actually found the object,
and R.L. Prenter-Sprague, his colleague, translated
it.  He derided the efforts of his many assistants,
many of whom, like him, are of Polish descent, and
he declared that henceforth the artifact shall be
known as the von Chechowice-Dziedzice Scroll.
Editor's note:  Publisher Arnett Outney, III and
executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. apologize to
our readers for the unauthorized interruption in
this news report.  We think we know who was
responsible, and we are taking measures to bring
them to light.  Sorry.
CENSORED
 
Editor's note:  Due to the extremely sensitive nature of
Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice's discovery, Nooz
editor Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen
Lundale, Jr. have decided that the release of any more
details of this business could be detrimental.  We feel
sure that our readers will understand why we can't let
you see any more of this report, and we are sorry.
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