Vol. 89,  No. 5
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Sep. 10,  1989
  ANCIENT SCROLL TELLS
  STORY OF PRIMATE PAST!
       When Dr. Professor Miedzyrzecz von Chechowice-Dziedzice travelled to the tiny, unmapped African nation of Badongo-Gazimbi last September with the internationally respected Chairman of the Sigsbee Junior Night College Paleolinguistics Department, Dr. R.L. Prenter-Sprague, he never imagined that he would by the purest chance stumble onto the primatological find of the twentieth century, a find so exciting and controversial that he has been reluctant to even discuss it until now, but about which he spoke on Tuesday in an exclusive interview with Nooz African correspondent and bureau chief Karonga Tukuyu, in which he recounted the momentous events of that particularly significant day.
        The sharp-eyed Pole was taking his usual siesta under the spotty shade of a dwarf baobab tree when he heard a frantic yell from one of his native assistants named Akula, whose brother-in-law has five wives.  He reluctantly opened his eyes to see the amber-colored assistant standing breathlessly in front of him.  “Efe nogoro luaka bosithi-sithi?” he asked quickly in properly grammatical Badongo-Gazimbian.  “Nakura ulu efe aku satimbi bono-bono aku wazuti,” was the assistant's impatient reply.  Von Chechowice-Dziedzice leaped to his feet in astonishment, overturning his hammock and causing a large cloud of dust to rise about him.  “Satimbi abula nawaka koto ugogi?” he queried unsteadily, his heart beating rapidly.
         The assistant looked at him as if he were a crazy person.  “Akima ulu efe watutu simbi masotho-sotho waktu obi-obi,” he answered in obvious agitation, and then ran off.  Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice followed him for several miles through brush and scrub and across a lizard-infested hillside, struggling to keep up with the diminutive but
(Cont. on page 2)
 

 HELLMOUTH ZOO BREEDS
 RARE STINKY GALAGOS

(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  Many eyebrows and not a few
noses were raised last Thursday morning as an
unfamiliar and unpleasant odor began wafting out
over the community from newly-renamed Beazleton
Memorial Park, which has for years been the home of
the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal
Crematorium, and where for the past month hard-
working zoo officials have been quietly engaged in a
difficult and delicate project to breed the extremely rare
and highly-endangered Gabonese stinky galago,
something that has never before been done in North
America.
      According to long-time Director Mr. Horsley P.
Bittenbender, the Hellmouth Zoo was fortunate
recently to receive 927 breeding pairs of the difficult-
to-obtain and exceedingly smelly African prosimians.
“We can't help how they smell,” he said, “we just get
used to it.”  He stated further that the Gabonese
government had been reluctant to part with them, but
that after literally tens of minutes of very intensive
negotiation, the top wildlife authorities from the
cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza Mountains region
agreed to exchange their country's entire population of
the offensive-smelling primates for six cartons of paper
drinking cups and some 1988 calenders from the
Hellmouth Tropical Flora and Rain-forest Research
Center.
      Newly-elected Mayor Frank Pruner at an early
morning press conference hailed the unprecedented
exchange, while Hellmouth Sheriff Poppy Rosebud
grimly vowed to look into the matter.  The park where
the Zoo is located was renamed in honor of former
Mayor John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret., who
died suddenly in May of an apparent case of gobo
root poisoning.  A memorial statue is planned for the
grassy area between the Zoo and the Hellmouth Tar
Pit, and early designs show the former mayor standing
with outstretched arms welcoming the public to the
Park, and eating a gobo root.

  
BLUETAIL DROWNS IN
HELLMOUTH TAR PIT
(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  A bluetail guenon, species
Cercopithecus subterraneus, has apparently fallen
victim to the irresistable lure of the Hellmouth Tar
Pit.  Wandering too close as it began to get dark last
Wednesday, the purblind primate fell into the tarry
mass of Ice Age bones, including those of the giant
cave mouse, the sabertooth rattlesnake, and the so-
called rhinoceros camel, all former residents of the
greater Hellmouth-Cheesequake-Runnamuck area.
Dozens of people each year tour the nationally
heard-of Hellmouth Tar Pit, which is situated in
Beazleton Memorial Park, next to the Municipal Zoo
and Exotic Animal Crematorium.  
       The Nooz has frequently campaigned for more
secure fences and warning signs around the Tar Pit,
because primates regularly fall into it.  Last year, a
pair of really slow lorises was fished from the north-
west corner, which fortunately is the shallowest area
of the Pit, and after having being vigorously washed
with a detarring solvent, they were able to continue
on their way.  Two years ago, however, an entire
group of picnicking Croesus monkeys slipped on a
wet sidewalk and slid into the Pit, never to be heard
from again.  City Fire Marshall (and Sheriff) Poppy
Rosebud is now investigating the regrettable
accident, and has promised a report to the City
Council soon.
 
  Primate Nooz is published whenever we are not
  busy defending ourselves against lawsuits, by
  the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr.
  Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies   are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing   facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of   Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa   Rica).  Back issues may be obtained by writing to:   Primate Nooz, c/o Thudwick, Thudwick,   Marblehead and Thudwick, Cheesequake, AZ.
Page Two    Page Three    Page Four    Home Page