Page Two
       “THE NOOZ
         MAKES AN ADMISSION!”
        Last week those of us here in the crowded, ink-stained and ivy-filled offices of the Primate Nooz received a letter so poignant, so trenchant, so filled with sagacity and insight, that we just had to stop what we were doing, take a few deep breaths and reflect upon its contents.  On further consideration, we decided to call an immediate staff meeting and read it out loud so that everyone could ponder its significance, not only for us here at the Nooz, but also for all of you out there, in towns like Cheesequake and Runnamuck, and in countries all over the world from Gabon and Jujube all the way to Bali-Bali.  So moved were we by what the letter contained that we determined right away to publish it in its entirety in the very next issue of the Nooz.
      The letter was of such length that it would have necessitated virtually a whole issue, but Nooz publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. were prepared on the spot to commit themselves to this unprecedented venture, and the lesser editors and staff functionaries and lower level supernumeraries to a man declared their wholehearted support.  Extra rolls of paper, newsprint and felt-tips were ordered, vacations were cancelled, and Bunkie Lismore's impending wedding was postponed. Even Quincey Brindle's elective surgery was rescheduled for later in the year so that the supply room could participate fully in this monumental effort.  All other projects were put on indefinite hold in order that we could devote all our energies to the publication of this important document.
      Unfortunately, it appears that the letter was accidentally thrown out by a copy boy who had just been hired and who failed to realize what it was.  We were shocked and dismayed by this occurrence but there is nothing we can do about it now, so we have told Ms. Lismore to proceed with her wedding and Quincey with his surgery, and we have dusted off all our old features and will carry on with the next issue as originally planned.  C'est la vie.		  
 

       MOVIE ON ICELANDIC EXPLORERS
       TO BE FILMED AROUND HELLMOUTH

(AP)  Hellmouth, Arizona.  A major Hollywood studio
has announced plans to bring a large film crew to the
area sometime in June to shoot a movie loosely based
on the amazing exploits of the well-known Icelandic
explorers Leif Englenberg and Olaf Petersen.  It was in
February, 1988, when the plucky pair disappeared in the
Ipipwi Forest searching for the Golden Monkeys of
Gabon, but they finally show up unscathed.
      They will be staying at the Hellmouth Holiday Inn,
and will be on location at Joe's Not So Bad Cafe and the
Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center, that is,
assuming that repairs have been made in time.
      Local extras needed will include at least 5 bluetails, 6
flowery pottos, 2 macaroons, 4 tight-lipped marmosets, 2
barren ground gorillas and a giant horned gibbon.  The
Nooz has learned that Sir Richard Attenborough will
direct the project, but he may not.
 
 Dr Oondóué M. Boué will be visiting Hellmouth
 on June 12 en route to this summer's Really Old  Mammals Symposium at the Los Angeles County  Museum of Unnatural History.  Dr. Boué will be  speaking at Sigsbee Junior Night College at 11am and  then will tour the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and  Exotic Animal Crematorium and the Tropical Flora  and Rainforest Research Center.
 

            200 Months Ago Today

      200 months ago today was the invention of the
motorized monkey-snatcher, a device which
brought the process of procuring primates into the
20th century.  The machine ran on tracks, and was
a steam-powered coal and peat burner with four
independently targetable mechanical arms that
reached out and grabbed the nearest monkey or
monkeys and stuffed them into a bin underneath.
The contraption was built by retired Devonshire
physician, Dr. Pudley Abercrombie-Whyte, in his
garage and was tested on local school children.
Although the inventive Dr. Abercrombie-Whyte
had to relocate to Canada, his machine became the
prototype of all subsequent mechanical monkey-
snatchers.

      200 months ago today was the introduction of
the gobo root into the U.S.  This strange and
occasionally toxic little root had its origins in the
Urubupunga region of the Amazon, where it had
been cultivated for years by the Curuá, Xingu, Iriri
and Aporé Indians.  Nooz Advisory Board member
Senhor Teófilo Rosario Sobradinho, who has
become somewhat of a gobo root expert, stated
that its toxicity level varies from very toxic during
the dry season to deadly during the rainy season.
Domesticated gobo roots are now being grown
commercially in the Cameroon, Gabon, Malaysia,
New Guinea, Bali-Bali and Arizona.  Three small-
town mayors are known to have died from gobo
root poisoning in the past twelve months.

      200 months ago today was the nasty bit of
business in the cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza
Mountains of Gabon when the veteran New Age
primatologist Maxine Williker-Rogers was
displaced from her sleeping quarters by mobs of
angry female bluetail guenons.

POISONED MAYOR Cont. from page 1.

      He began a small tire reclaiming concern, but was
best known for his packaged preservatives which he
shipped all over the country.  He was defeated in his
first nine attempts to gain elective office, then was
appointed to the City Council by Mayor Rufus Nutter to
fill out the term of Mr. Faxon Wheeless who had
mysteriously disappeared some time before.  Beazleton
was elected Mayor in 1981 on a campaign pledge to rid
Hellmouth of its primate population, a pledge that he
thankfully has not been able to carry out.
      Former Mayor Beazleton was a charter member of the
Antlered Animals Lodge Hall and belonged to the
Hellmouth Church of Once and Future Saints.  He gave
frequently to such notable local charities as the Arizona
Spleen Association, the Electricians' Emergency Fund
and the Hellmouth Hardware Store, and he headed up
the Committee To Run The Nooz Out Of Town.  What
he was doing eating a gobo root is not precisely known
at this time, but it does not seem to have been the kind
of thing that he would have been likely to do.
      Ex-Mayor Beazleton thus becomes the third small-
town mayor to die from gobo root poisoning in the U.S.
in the last twelve months.  To no one's surprise, the
Beazleton family has declined Primate Nooz's offer of a
bluetail honor guard and primate pallbearers.   He was
buried instead quietly at Sandy Soil Cemetary not far
from his home.

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