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ANNOUNCEMENTS
Primate Nooz apologizes
again and this time we really mean
it. Alright, we admit it, we're stumped. We're floored, we're
bamboozled, we're at a loss. We just don't understand how
another infantile reference to some idiotic bogus article
supposedly written by Chris Shaw managed to weasel its
way into our 'Recommended Reading' section. We can't
figure out how it could have passed through our security
and gotten into the paper. And so, with the threat of further
legal action hanging over us, we have taken stern measures
to rectify the situation. The new editor of the 'Recommended
Reading' section has just been demoted to 'Adverts and
Personals,' and we have invited Mr. Christopher Shaw
himself to take over the position. We are very pleased to
announce that he has accepted and will begin immediately.
Maybe he can put an end to this nasty business once and
for all, and also he might be too busy to sue us.
RECOMMENDED READING:
Sir Arthur Baslington Chillingford Streebs-Watley,
B.D.S.
(1883). “My Adventures Among the Giant Nose-Eaters of
Senegal, Wherein I Lost My Best Hat.” National Conser-
vation Weekly, 527:79-120. *****
Leif Englanberg and Olaf Petersen (1953).
Two Came Back.
Viking Press, Reykjavik. *****
Dr. Polly Popkin (1986). Being a
Primate and Liking It.
Harcourt Brace, New York. *****
Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles (1988).
Monkeys of the Dingle Peninsula. West Galway Press,
Galway, Ireland. *****
Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles (1990). Pre-
Roman Anthropoids of Britain and West Europe, in 3 vols.
Royal Dublin Publishing Co., Dublin. *****
Christopher Shaw (1988). “Being the 'Recommended
Reading' Editor for Primate Nooz Can Be a Tricky Business.”
Reader's Digest, 887:12-28. **
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personåls
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: I have taken
out this ad to inform everyone who might be
interested that the resident orangutan in my
area of the forest is a jerk. He likes to knock
down trees and should be avoided. I renounce
any and all obligations resulting from my
unfortunate consortship with this individual.
Penny.
Parents taken for medical research. Getting
hungry. Can't last too much longer. Will you
help? Send spare bananas to Box 17, Libreville,
Gabon.
Adult female blackeyed tamarin of breeding
age,
seeks preferably two males to take over all
infant care after birth. I'm in a hurry, so call.
B15
Female giant mouse lemur seeks lesser rumpled
galago and/or pygmy marmoset for slightly
unusual cross-species entertainment. Must be
able to cling vertically without assistance. Send
photo and vitals. Can meet you near the New
Antananarivo Airport. D20.
'Recommended Reading' Editor for Primate
Nooz
seeks material for articles. Contact Chris Shaw
at the Nooz office, or at his soapstone-lined
hideaway high in the Hollywood Hills, but stay
away from legal matters.
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| Produced as a public service
by those friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale
Corp., with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon,
the Matsushita Chopstick Co., the USSR Academy of Primatology,
Minsk, the Harvard University Primate Medical Laboratory,
the Ohio Order of Owl Monkey Observers, the Woodrow Wilson
Old World Monkey Center, the Sigsbee Junior Night College
Anthropology Club, the 1st National Bank of Hellmouth,
the Tarsier Times, Lou's House of Leaves, the Primate
Anti- Vivisection League, the Los Angeles County Museum
of Unnatural History, Omohundro and Cricksdale Monkey
Books, and the National Science Foundation. |
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© M. Charters, 1988,
Sierra Madre, CA.
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Dear Editor,
I have been kept prisoner in
a concrete-floored cage for
over fifteen years. Every day I am the subject of unpleasant
experiments and increasingly intellectually-difficult tests.
I
have already learned six thousand signs in ASL and can
type, build and operate a small computer, and play the
violin. How much more do they want me to know? My cat
Candy and I want to go back to the forest. What can I do to
regain my freedom?
Koko
Dear 'Koko',
Nothing.
Dear Editor,
I'm a sportive lemur and she's
a ringtail. I'm nocturnal
and she's diurnal. She loves to forage during the day and
sleep at night. I like going places when it's dark and then
lying around all day. We're just a crazy mixed-up couple.
I
know it's wierd, but is there any way we can be happy
together.
Puzzled
Dear 'Puzzled',
You've summed up the situation
pretty well. Have you
tried adopting a diel or crepuscular lifestyle? If this fails,
you can perhaps be nocturnal one week and diurnal the
next. And there's always the possibility that you're just
with
the wrong pri-“mate.” In any case, good luck!
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