Page Two
             “THE NOOZ WILL
                  NOT BE SILENT!”
          Wouldn't you know that the mercenary scumbags from the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale
Corp. would try to use the occasion of our latest misfortune, namely the swinging around
without warning of the hot 1250° hydrogen laser spotlight in the Nooz offices and the severe
burning of several people, to bring us down, to lay us low, to cut the very legs out from under
us?  Can we help it if it's so dry in East Borneo that the merest 1250° beam would start a fire
there?  After all, we were just trying to illuminate the world's third largest island for our new
“Spotlight on the World” feature.  Is it our fault if the ghost of Sir Horton Measely, inventor of
the hydrogen laser spotlight and father of Bill Measely, possibly might have taken control for a
few seconds and turned up the power of the spotlight with some malevolent intent?  Is the
Nooz to blame because a few non-union sub-technicians were too slow to get out of the way of
a piece of equipment that was swinging around wildly and sending out hot 1250° beams willy-
nilly?
          The moguls of the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. greet each fresh disaster here at the
Nooz with a gleeful wringing of hands.  They all cheered when we were forced to retract those
statements we made about their involvement in international primate trading, and they gloated
when our membership in the Arizona Newspaper Association was summarily cancelled.  Yes,
they would dearly love to regain control of this bastion of journalistic freedom, especially now
that we are standing in the way of their insidious plans, but we have made up our minds to fight
them come hell or high water.  They've schemed and they've plotted and they've taken every
advantage of calamity and bad luck, but each time we rise phoenix-like from the dusty ashes of
humiliation and despair.  Even the mighty and powerful Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. cannot
for long quiet our tiny voice.  The Nooz will not be silent! 		 
 

      PRIMATES HOLD INTERSPECIES
      FRUIT AND FIG SALE

      A fruit sale was held at the Hellmouth Open Air
Market by a primate interspecies association of
bluetails, muscatels, Croesus monkeys and redfaced
macaroons.  The all-day event turned out to be wildly
successful, with durians and figs being sold out by
10am.  People came from as far away as 4th Street,
with the last stragglers not leaving until the sun set
over the muddy Horntoad River valley.  Sheriff Poppy
Rosebud had to blow his whistle several times to
keep a few unruly macaroons under control.  The
proceeds will go toward the purchase of several acres
of prime rainforest in either Bali-Bali, Gabon, Jujube or
Badongo-Gazimbi.
 

      The death on Thursday of the world's last bleary-
eyed baboon came as a shock to those of us who
visited with Basil only three years ago at Beijing's
Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo.  At that time he
was in the grip of good health and Win Wing Wan
was still the zoo director.  Now Basil is gone and Mr.
Win is scratching out a meager living for himself by
writing short articles for Primate Nooz and its two
sister publications, Primate Week and PRIMATE
LIFE.

      Ms. Shelley Cox, renowned ursid expert and Page
Museum lab mom, announced yesterday the recent
excavation of the first teddy bear fossils ever found.
The revelation has thrown the museum into an
uproar, caused widespread amazement, and turned
upside down overnight current paleontological
theory.  The bones were at first thought to be those
of a second La Brea 'ape-man,' but relying on her
extensive scientific knowledge of teddy bear
anatomy, the eagle-eyed Cox only took a few minutes
to identify them correctly.

      Noted paleoprimatologist, automotive authority
and author of such popular articles as “Going Down a
Monkey Hole With Nothing But a Swiss Army
Knife,”  Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus, has been hired
by the Nooz to undertake a new project tentatively
called “Report from the Field.”  This will involve a
series of "Reports" which will come from "the Field."
As soon as he is able to get his car ready, he will
depart on his very first assignment to the Makokou
Study Area in Gabon, where the famed Dr. Oondóué
M. Boué has been observing the behavior of wild
bluetail guenons.  Or at least he will if Dr. Boué can
find the missing primates.
 
   Our new feature, “Spotlight on the World,” was an    unfortunate casualty of the recent events in the Nooz    office.  We hope that this potentially exciting  and    educational series will be able to premiere soon.

CHECHOWICE-DZIEDZICE Cont. from page 1.

Zgierz Wagrowiec, Turek Krzyz, Grylice Koszalin and
Elblag Skarzysko-Kamienna, by which time his
listeners were growing somewhat restive.
      To mounting catcalls from the audience and not a
few thrown vegetables, the obviously-fatigued
elderly primatologist described his ideas about early
primate evolution, including his much-maligned
theory that an obscure corner of Africa called
Badongo-Gazimbi was the original home of the first
true simian.  He stated that it is his intention to
someday travel to the tiny and almost unmapped
country formerly known as Dutch Southwest Africa
to search for fossil evidence of our monkey
beginnings.
      Dr. von Czechowice-Dziedzice remarked that our
entire concept of primate history and of what a
primate is may have to be changed.  With the help of
an old set of slides gathered from all over the world,
he traced our origins far, far back to a furry, large-
eyed creature generally muscade and/or sennet in
color, and weighing 120g. or 4.25oz. on average, very
much in fact, as he was quick to point out, like the
modern sulky tarsier, Tarsius irritatus.
      The much-respected professor's summation was
greeted with taciturn silence, broken only by some
occasional hooting.  The primatologists present had
no apparent stomach for revising their beloved
theories, and their reaction can be expected to be
largely negative.
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