Page Three
 

    ADVERTS

Are you too tired at night to build your own nest?
You either need more iron in your diet or Nick's
Nest Building Service, or both.  I'll come out and
build you a custom designed nest as often as you
desire.  I don't work higher than 30m.  Daily,
monthly and yearly rates available with ten easily
affordable and convenient nest sizes. Nick's Nest
Building Service, 3rd and Pine St., Hellmouth.

Curious about where you came from?  Who your
ancestors were?  Now you too can trace your
family back to relatives who went extinct.  Charts
on hand for all major families, and a few minor
ones too.  Write to Box 11, Cheesequake.

Is your area of the forest getting cluttered with a
lot of old, useless nests taking up all the good
spots? You either need a few days of high wind
or Nick's Nest Removal Service, or both.  I'll come
out and pull down as many of those old nests as
you desire. I don't work higher than 30m.  Rates
by the nest. Nick's Nest Removal Service, Pine St.
and 3rd Ave., Hellmouth.

“Hello.  I SAID HELLO!  HELLOOO!  TURN
YOUR HEARING AIDS UP!  There, that's better.
You're probably not getting along too well in the
forest anymore..... I SAID.... YOU'RE PROBABLY
NOT.... WAKE UP!  You need professional care. I
SAID... YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL CARE!
Crikey!  Look, just come down RIGHT NOW to
the Old Primates.... the OLD... PRIMATES...
RETIREMENT HOME. It's FULLY PROVISIONED
and there are NO DOMINANCE RANKS
observed here.  CALL for an APPOINTMENT. No
bluetails please.  I SAID.... NO BLUETAILS!
Crikey!”

Need an article written?  Chris Shaw's your man.
He's written articles on almost everything.  He's
one of Reader's Digest's most prolific article
writers. He'll write a nice article for you and
publish it in the Reader's Digest as quick as you
can say Mitsuo Ohhohoho.  Drop by either the
Nooz office or the Page Museum.  Not available
on weekends.
 
 

  DON'T EVER BE LOST IN THE JUNGLE
  AGAIN!

  Get The Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate
  Identification Book and African Jungle Survival
  Guide by the one and only Professor Mitsuo
  Ohhohoho.

  “If we had had this book, we never would have
  gotten lost.”
      L. Englanberg and O Petersen

  Mail $34.95 to the Nooz, Hellmouth, AZ.

  Name_______________________________
  Address_____________________________
  City_______________State____ZIP_______
 
By
Dr. Oondóué M. Boué
Academie Republique Gabonaise

      Yes, what is it?  But more importantly, where is it?  I
have been back in Gabon now for three months at my
Makokou Study Area, and I have been unsuccessful in
locating a single bluetail.  My colleague, Reginald
Pennyworth Maudlin-Jones, whom I have suspected of
mental instability for years, and who remained here while I
was in the United States attending the Great Apes and
Lesser Primates Dinner and the Sigsbee Junior Night
College Colloquium on Catarrhine Oddities, has also
disappeared.
      My assistant Albert Mbigou and I have searched
every bluetail burrow from here up the Ivindo River and
back again.  There is so sign of them, and I feel like a
researcher for the Los Angeles County Museum of
Unnatural History. In fact, I checked my map to make sure
that I was in the right country, and I am.  So I believe that
Reg has made off with them.
      He did it one time before when I was away, in 1973,
and it was two years before he brought them back.
I warned him then that it would be the end of our
professional relationship if it happened a second time, as
it certainly now appears to have done.  It's a great pity
too, because I don't think he has any friends.
      What bothers me the most about this whole sordid
business is the fact that when the winner of the 1988
Primate Nooz Photography Contest comes here in the fall,
I may not be able to introduce him, or her, to my beloved
bluetails.  For this, I will never forgive Reg, and I
definitely won't ever work with him again.
  WOW!  WHAT EXCITEMENT!  HOPE ALL YOU
KIDS LEARNED A LOT ABOUT BLUETAILS
TODAY.  THEY'RE GUENONS, YOU KNOW.
CERCOPITHECUS SUBTERRANEUS.  DISCOVERED BY SIR RODNEY BILLINGHAM-
APPLEGATE IN 1937.  THEY DIG BURROWS, YOU
KNOW.   YOU CAN TELL YOUR TEACHERS
ABOUT THEM! AND YOUR PARENTS!  AND
YOUR FRIENDS!  DON'T FORGET TO GRAB UP
EVERY HOT ISSUE OF THE PRIMATE NOOZ
AND LEARN ALL ABOUT THE WONDERFUL
WORLD OF “WHAT IS...”		  
 


                                       NOTICE

  There will be a symposium on primate evolution in the
  beautiful Rainforest Room at the Hellmouth Holiday
  Inn this Saturday and Sunday, 10am-7pm, and all
  members of the local primatological community and
  any other interested primates are invited.  Speakers will
  include Dr. Oondóué M. Boué, Mr. Win Wing Wan, Dr.
  Miedzyrzecz von Czechowice-Dziedzice, Professor Mitsuo
  Ohhohoho, Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles,
  Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho and Mr.
  Christopher Shaw.  Light refreshments will be served at
  teatime, and fruit vendors will be constantly passing among
  the audience.  Question and answer period at 6pm.
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