Page Three
 

[Note:  The following Nooz Phone interview was
conducted by prior arrangement at the caller's place
of residence, the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and
Exotic Animal Crematorium , Enclosure 42, with a
highly-qualified ASL interpreter in attendance.  The
interview was recorded exactly as it took place.]

NOOZ:  “Hello?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Smell you Nooz.”
NOOZ: “ We're sorry, what was that?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Cat dung smell Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “If this is a crank call we're going to have to
report you.”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Rock flower sit dirty Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “Are you retarded or something?”
Caller: [Sign indicates] “ Big stomach dirty Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “What's your name?”
Caller: [Sign indicates] “ Sit dirty flower bird. Smell
you Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “We're not really getting an anything across
here.  Could you be more specific?”
Caller: [Sign indicates] “ Stink morning Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “That sounds suspiciously like a personal
insult to us.  Would you care to retract that
statement?”
Caller: [Sign indicates] “ Stink morning night Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “Where did you come from anyway?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Nooz stink stink.”
NOOZ:  “Are you trying to make some point?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Nooz bad air smell.”
NOOZ:  “We've had just about enough of this.  Is
there anything else you want to say?”
Caller: [Sign indicates]  “Smell bad Nooz.”
NOOZ:  “Call back if you think of something.”
Caller: [Sign indicates] “ Stink stink dirty dirty Nooz.”

[At this point, the Nooz Phone was disconnected
and plans were made not to do any more of these
mobile interviews.]
 
  This is a test.  This newspaper is conducting a test of the Primate Emergency Notification System. Primate Nooz and its two sister publications Primate Week and PRIMATE LIFE are cooperating in an effort to notify our many readers of any potential emergencies. For the next 60 seconds, you will read only a test
signal. This is only a test.
     ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
     This has been a test of the Primate Emergency
Notification System.  If this had been an actual
emergency, such as a fruit famine or a species about to go extinct, the signal you just read would have been replaced by information and instructions. You should do whatever you're told.  This was only a test.		  
Editor's note:  “WHAT IS....?” is a semi-regular
feature of Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our
younger readers and in which we grapple with a few
of the most fundamental questions of the universe.
This time we are truly fortunate to have a man of the
stature of Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-
Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, Director of the
Northern Ireland Primate Research Center and Mon-
key Museum in Belfast and Principle Investigator at
the world-famous Blarney-Killarney Fossil Primate
Site at Ballybunion.  Now all you kids better listen up
because this won't be easy, but then nothing good in
life is.  OK, all set?  Pencils ready, lights off, and let's give a big hand to Sir Ian. And don't call him 'Allen.'
by
Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles
(called 'Allen' by his friends)
  
 

      Hrmmph!  Hrmmph!  Many well-intentioned
people during the course of my travels have asked me
to tell them more about the giant pygmy chimpanzee,
Pan paniscus giganteus or umfalawi, so I was very
happy, indeed more than a little excited to be invited
by the Primate Nooz to describe for its wonderful
readers just what a complicated and interesting
creature it really is. I was so excited I forgot all about
my son's graduation from Sigsbee Junior Night
College!  I haven't been that excited since I received
the page proofs for my book Irish Primates Through-
out History and then got locked in an office at the
Museum for an entire weekend.
      Of course, that was my first book. I didn't get
nearly as excited when my second book was pub-
lished, Monkeys of the Dingle Peninsula, printed in
English and Gaelic.  And by the time my third book
came out, Pre-Roman Anthropoids of Britain and
Western Europe (in 3 vols.), I was hardly excited at
all.  That's the way I've heard it was with other people.
Their first book comes out, they get real excited.
Second and third books, not nearly as excited.
      It's the same way with articles.  I remember when
my first monograph was published, “Diet Variability
in West Irish Lesser Primates,” I was so excited I let
my subscription to the Royal Museum Journal of the
Cercopithecinae lapse, and it caused quite a hoo-rah
when I tried to have it reinstated.  But my latest
offering, “Rafting as an Explanation of How Primates
Crossed the Irish Sea,” has barely gotten my blood
pressure up.  Curious, isn't it?
      Oh, yes, about the chimpanzees.... They inhabit
the rubbery, high-canopy forest, they have round
eyes and are often dark-colored, they eat fruit from
the rare aguruguguguru tree from which they also get
abundant nesting material, and they are preyed on
occasionally by the Togobogo screaming monkey
eagle and the so-called aguruguguguru tree python.
What else do you want to know.  Hrmmph!  Hrmmph!

WOW!!  JEEPERS CREEPERS!!  NOW YOU KIDS
WON'T HAVE TO RUN INTO ANOTHER ROOM
WHEN YOU HEAR YOUR DAD ASKING, "WHAT
IS THE GIANT PYGMY CHIMPANZEE, ANYWAY?"

Page One    Page Two    Page Four    Home Page