ABOMINABLE
PRIMATE SEEN
IN HIGHLANDS OF BALI-BALI! |
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PRIMATE NOOZ
ON VERGE
OF FINANCIAL DISASTER
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(UPI) Boise, ID. In
a report issued yesterday, the
governing board of the National Association of
Primatological Newspapers accused Primate Nooz
publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor
Widen Lundale, Jr. of fiscal irresponsibility and
gross mismanagement. The report stated that a
recent audit of the Nooz books revealed a shocking
picture of the paper's current financial situation,
including diverted funds, heavily-mortgaged capital
equipment, drained retirement and pension plans,
exaggerated estimates of net worth, stock value and
future earnings, and many investments in shady
enterprises. Mr. Putney and Mr. Lundale could not
immediately be reached for their comment. |
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Primate
Nooz is published as often as
our shaky
financial situation allows and whenever funds are made
available to us by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation,
Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief. Copies
are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility
in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia
and South America (except for Costa Rica). It's
just barely possible that some back issues might be obtained
by writing to: Primate Nooz Archives Deptartment,
c/o
Antlered Animals Lodge Hall, Hellmouth,
Arizona. |
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(Reuters) Burunamieh,
Bali-Bali. Bells rang out and
even rickshaws stopped operating yesterday in this
beautiful and oddly-proportioned Southeast Asian
city as the sixteen members of the weary and worn-
down International Rare Animal Search Team
returned from two weeks in the hot, moist and
vegetation-choked highlands region of Kalabatang-
tarang National Park, where they claim to have found
almost certain traces of the oft-reported but little seen
Abominable Primate. The Search team, including the
redoutable Irish paleoprimatologist Sir Ian Spotswood
Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his many
friends, Dutch tarsier expert Piet Mons Apeldoorn,
Professors Beauregard Montgomery and Mortimer
Thumpergarden, and Nooz West Coast correspond-
ent Mr. Christopher Shaw, spent three days trying to
get out of a remote high valley after stumbling across
some very strange footprints and tufts of hair not
very much like those of known animals. They also
may have heard some noises which couldn't be
identified.
Sightings of the peculiar stoop-shouldered
anthropoidal creature have been made frequently on
Bali-Bali and in the areas north of Nepal, but no one
has ever produced any concrete evidence that it
really exists. The Search Team will be returning to
Kalabatangtarang after a hot shower and a few
oilberry beers. |
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