Page Two
        “THE NOOZ SPEAKS
            OUT LOUD AND CLEAR!”
        Alright, you pathetic crybabies, is what we feel like saying.  And wringing some scrawny necks is what we feel like doing.  So what?  So what if the Nooz did win the Scopes Award?  So what if we did get a congratulatory telegram from the President? So what if publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. did receive an invitation to visit the White House?  So what? SO WHAT?  Do these things mask the underlying problems we have here at the Nooz?  Do they cover up the cracks in our aging metaphysical facade with the liquidy mortar of indifference?  Do they obviate the necessity for change?
      No, we murmer with steely determination.  Uh-uh, we say with well-considered resolve.  NO WAY, we shout with inflexible purpose and dogged tenacity.  NOOOOO, we scream with unabashed certitude and manic glee.  We suppose our point doesn't matter very much in the scheme of things, and we aren't the only ones.  We know it's a small case, perhaps even insignificant.  We admit that it probably won't much affect the game on Saturday between the Fighting Fiddlers of St. Aloyishus and the Cheesequake Junior High Nightowls.  We acknowledge that whichever way it goes it most likely won't change the price of figs on the world market.  We accept that however it turns out, it almost certainly will not put a single primate back on the endangered species list.  Not today anyway.
      So what?  That's what we've been asking, and that's what we're still asking.  So what?  It's simple enough really.  If you have the answers to any of the above questions, please send them as soon as possible to:  Editorial Editor, Primate Nooz, Hellmouth General Delivery.  We'll withhold your name if you want us to, but if you can send along a contribution of any kind, we'd be most grateful.  The more money we get from you, the better chance we have of keeping these editorials in the Nooz where they belong, and not out on the street causing trouble.  This has been a bad year for the editorial department, even worse than last year, and this is a wonderful opportunity for all our readers to let us know how sorry they are in a really meaningful way.  Make your checks payable to the Primate Nooz Rescue Fund, and please, don't ask for a receipt.		  
 
 
FLEIGLEHAUS RELEASED
FROM S. AFRICAN PRISON
  
 
200 Months Ago Today
  

     200 months ago today the young and not-yet
eminent paleoprimatologist Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby
Crofford-Wiggles, called 'Allen' by his friends, was
walking along a bumpy beach on the salty southwest
coast of Ireland when he stubbed his toe on the object
that would change his life forever.  Swearing mightily in
Gaelic, he reached down and picked it up, then threw it
back down, then picked it back up, then threw it down
again, then picked it up again and put it in his pocket,
then took it out of his pocket and studied it, threw it to
one side, picked it up, turned it over in his hands several
times, dropped it, picked it up, threw it to the other side,
picked it up once more, and finally placed it decisively
into his brown leather geologist's sack.  Little did he
know then that he had just discovered the first primate
fossil in Ireland, and that from that find would grow the
world-famous Blarney-Killarney Fossil Primate Site.

      200 months ago today the dusty afternoon silence
that had prevailed for generations in the little cobble-
filled Pyrhhenees town of Les Ecole de Chapuiy was
suddenly broken by the dry and desultory gobble-
whooping of an ill-mannered troop of French fiddler
monkeys.  Before incensed local residents could put
down their croissants and do anything about it, the
internationally-disliked primate scholar Dr. Francois
Quimper Bonnetable Rochefort-Chateauroux had moved
in with his smelly monkeys and established the
Rochefort-Chateauroux Institute of Simian Science.
Despite numerous protests against the facility, Dr.
Rochefort-Chateauroux has managed to publish a great
deal about the behavior and morphology of French
fiddler monkeys.  He was once overheard to say, “I
don't care a fake fig for the people of this town.”  Exactly
why he moved there is a question the answer to which
even now 200 months later remains obscure.

      200 months ago today the prolific Egyptian gelada
specialist Watah Al-Qahirah was accidentally locked in
a chamber under the Great Pyramid of Gizeh for 17 days
with nothing to eat except some petrified beef jerky and
a bottle of Nefertiti pink cabernet.
(UPI)  Bittersdorp, South Africa.  In deference no
doubt to his international position as Reporter
from the Field for Primate Nooz, Eric Scotmeister
Fleiglehaus was released yesterday from Monkey
Island Prison, after promising never, ever to try to
file one of his reports from there again, or to inter-
view the notorious and evil-looking Commandant
Dr. Oudtshoorn Grootegraaf.  He immediately
announced firm plans to leave for Europe next
week to visit with Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby
Crofford-Wiggles, the U.K.'s greatest living prima-
tologist, at the world-famous Blarney-Killarney
Fossil Primate Site in Ballybunion on the salty
southwest coast of Ireland.
      “This has been quite an experience,” he said
with a chuckle, “and I'm certainly looking forward
to filing my next report.”  Extensive repairs on his
car were necessary before he was able to drive it
out of the impound lot.
 
GIANT SPACE PRIMATE STILL
HEADING TOWARD THE EARTH
(Reuters) Mole Creek, Tasmania.  As far as anyone
can determine by looking through the 36" tele-
scope at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian
Primatological Observatory, the giant space
primate discovered heading toward Earth last
December is still heading toward Earth.  If it con-
tinues to head toward Earth on its present course,
it will impact with the ground somewhere near
Mole Creek, according to the calculations of Dr.
Basil Smith.
       There is no word yet as to the taxa of the
space primate, but it seems clear already that it will
be a new one. This has been the subject of bitter
quarrels between its co-discoverers Drs. Maw-
banna Waddamana and Dr. Smith over the past
several months. So far, the existence of the space-
dwelling primate has not been confirmed at any
other astronomical observatory.
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