Page Four

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Due to the unfortunate collapse of the Nooz building, all
regularly scheduled announcements have now been
temporarily suspended.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Professor Ambato Ambilobe  (1989).  “What is the aye-
aye-aye?”  Primate Nooz,  89:3-4.  *****

Watah Al-Qahirah  (1987). "Seven Egyptian Primates and
What Happened To Them."  Desert and Wadi News,
22:39-50.  *****

Ralph Spouty, “Hunting the Hell Monkey of Gabon.”
Field and Stream,  Dec. 1955, 58-68.  *****

Dr. Dick Doody  (1989).  “Relief of Chinaman's Elbow by
New Cryogenic Surgical Techniques.”  Journal of the
Hellmouth Medical Association,  89:231-250.  *****

Christopher Shaw  (1989).  “Major Building Collapses I
Have Witnessed.”  Reader's Digest,  906:32-44.  **
 

  NOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICE

     Due to economic considerations of the direst
dimension, it now has unfortunately become impossible to continue publishing the Primate
Nooz in the following languages:  Bengali, Hindi,
Marathi, Svengali, Punjabi, Tamil, Urdu,
Slovenian, Gaelic, Berber, Mongol, Afrikaans,
Pashto and French.  If you are a reader who
insists on using one of these inconvenient
languages, you're out of luck.  For the time being,
however, we will still put out special editions in
Breton, Esperanto, Magyar, Manchu, Sumerian,
Hittite, Etruscan, German, Farsi and Dayak.
 
                  personåls

Exquisite female Loris tardigradus, height 220mm,
weight 260g, intermembral index 92, with stiltlike
legs, soft wooly fur, pear-shaped eye patches and
large brown eyes, flexible hips, and attractively
mobile ears, seeks olfactory communication with
any available adult male.  D20.

Single red and white male frilled indri anxious to
do his part to speed up the slow reproductive rate
of the species by mating with as many females as
possible.  I am into hanging out during the day
and eating young leaves and fruit, and a few insects.  Let's get together and do some vertical clinging and leaping, if you know what I mean.  F9.

Adult female Propithecus diamondia with long,
muscular legs and a long furry tail, active scent
glands, a single pair of axillary teats, a reduced
tooth-comb, lovely brown neck patch, and typical
lemuroid dentition.  Partial to leaves and fruit, and
the odd insect, but won't say no to a bit of bark or
dead wood.  Male in my group transferred last
week, and my estrous period is coming up.  I don't
have a lot of time, only 42 hours to be exact, so I
need a male to respond to this ad quickly, or else I
won't have a hairless and black-skinned baby to
clutch to my abdomen the way all my girlfriends
do.

 
The
Primate
Nooz©
 
  Produced as a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Matsushita Chopstick Co., the Guenon Guild of East Africa, the Bluetail Foundation, the Arizona Spleen Association, the Page Museum Laboratory Workers Emergency Compensation Board, Rainforest Removal, Inc., Nick's Ditch-  digging Service, and the USSR Academy of Primatology, Minsk.  
 
© M. Charters, 1989, Sierra Madre, CA.
 

Dear Editor,
        I noted with interest your article by Professor
Ambato Ambilobe entitled, “What is the Aye-Aye-Aye?”
I happen to have evidence that the aye-aye-aye and the
aye-aye are not as distantly related as Dr. Ambilobe
seems to think they are.  Regrettably, my evidence has
been rejected by all of the journals I have submitted it to,
no doubt due to a cabal of scientists probably working
for Dr. Ambilobe.  Also, my doctorate from the London
School of Primate Affairs has been summarily rescinded.
I have even been asked to resign from the Hellmouth-
Cheesequake Country Club, although I suspect my old
nemesis Dr. Oondóué M. Boué may have been behind
that.  He's still trying to kill me, you know.  That open
manhole I stepped into?  That wasn't an accident!  I'LL
NEVER BE THE SAME MAN I WAS!! AND IT'S ALL
HIS FAULT!!  HIM AND THOSE DAMN BLUETAILS!!
I WISH I'D NEVER LAID EYES ON ANY OF THEM!!
What do you think?
Reginald Pennyworth Maudlin-Jones

Dear 'Reg,'
        Thanks for your comments.

Dear Editor,
        I'm a silverback here in Rwanda, and people keep
telling me that my scapulae have the morphological
features normally associated with brachiation, but no
matter how much I try, I can't seem to get the hang of it.
What gives?
Zuzu

Dear 'Zuzu,'
        Let's face it.  You're just too damn fat to climb trees.
Lose some weight and get back to me.

Dear Editor,
        What are you guys, crazy or something?  Are you
aware that there's a war going on down here in Central
America?  Like with bombs and bullets?  That just might
possibly have an effect on so-called wildlife?  We're
risking our lives here and we can't even get the Nooz half
the time. If you really care about the cause of primates like
you say you do, you would print some articles such as
“The Effect of Napalm on New World Monkeys,” “Bomb
Disrupted Nesting Patterns of Red and Black Howler
Monkeys,” and “Strategies for Mating Under Fire.”  They
would be very useful to Nooz readers, and I happen to
have articles that cover those very subjects, and a few
more.  I would be happy to offer them to you for only a
modest charge.  What do you say?
Howard

Dear 'Howard,'
        Sorry, we don't freelance.  Try PRIMATE LIFE.
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