Page Three
 
 NOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICE
 
There have been reports of abusive conditions during the filming of the movie “Lost Again” in Hellmouth last year. If anyone has any information about this, be they man or primate, please step/swing/leap/knucklewalk forward.  You may notify either publisher Arnett Putney, III, and
executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr., or the Hellmouth District Atty.  Primate Nooz and the Arizona Animal Assn. are offering $10 and a free copy of Mr. Christopher Shaw's latest Reader's Digest article, “Major Building Collapses I Have Witnessed,” to anyone who can help us out here. If your information leads to arrest and/or conviction, you will receive one (1) free raincoat and a Primate Nooz T-shirt in fustic or prawn.  Alright, two (2) raincoats and three (3) T-shirts.  And we'll throw in a free Primate Nooz subscription.		  
 NOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICE
 
      A milestone was reached on Monday when Morris, an
ASL-using barren ground gorilla from the cranberry bogs
of New Jersey, learned his 26,521st sign at the Human
Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  Morris, who at
present resides at the Old Primates Retirement Home
situated at 3rd and Vine in Hellmouth, demonstrated the
sign by cupping both hands over his ears and squatting.
It was the sign for nuclear fission.  Morris has been at the
Home since 1986, when he was retired from the Hellmouth
Great Apes Language Center.  With this sign, he passed
Murray, another gorilla who had learned 26,520 signs by
the time he died last year.
 
  With Dr. Dick Doody, M.D., Chief Surgeon   (Suspended) in the Primate Pathology Dept.,   Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing   Facility.
 

Dear Dr. Doody,
      Hi Dr.!  I Win Wing Wan.  I seeing you in
Nooz office.  May it be you seeing me too?  I very small, lately of Beijing Zoo.  No worry.  I in charge of 'Recommended Reading' section of Nooz.  Also write articles for PRIMATE LIFE and Primate Week.  I having Chinaman's Elbow and it is all the very time oh so hurting.  I hearing of new cryogenic surgeries for making less the pain.  I needing to keep this most confidential.  What can you do to help me?
Win Wing Wan

Dear Win,
      No, I don't remember seeing you in the Nooz office.  Sorry.  Are you that little guy with the big ears?  As you may or may not know, due to some
very unfortunate circumstances, I have now been temporarily (and wrongly I may say) suspended from my position as Chief Surgeon in the Primate Pathology Dept., but there are still quite a few nightwatchmen and nurses who owe me some favors.  I'm pretty sure I and my assistant Reeves Slaughterhouse could get you into one of the cryosurgery theaters after closing time and take care of that pesky little problem of yours.
Let me know before it gets worse.  And take some English lessons for pity's sake.

 
 
REPORT FROM THE FIELD
By Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus		 Greetings from Chudleigh-Lilydale!  You probably don't even know where that is, but that doesn't matter since I do, and I'm here.  So sit
back in your favorite chair, kick off your shoes, grab a Guinness and
enjoy, because this is my.....“Report from the Field.”
   I arrived here last Monday at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory deep in the heart of north-central Tasmania and I've been hard at work writing my “Report from the Field” ever since. Tasmania is not exactly just around the corner, so it took me a while to get here, and my trip was not without incident.  Although Tasmanians are as a rule very friendly, they are not very good drivers, and I had a number of collisions to contend with. My bumper fell off, my drive shaft was damaged, and I lost all my hubcaps before I even got to Mole Creek, but when I finally got here, the venerable Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith were waiting for me with a mug of hot, steaming, black Tasmanian tea.  For several hours, while the Observatory staff struggled with my suitcases, the two contentious scientists argued about who had originally devised the Dendrochondrial Split Gene Mapping and Protein Rearray test proving that orangutans and tarsiers are actually close relatives.  Then I was escorted to nearby guest quarters for the night and my car was towed to a local garageby a couple of camels.
        On Tuesday the huge 36" optical telescope that is the pride of Chudleigh-Lilydale was made available to me for a whole hour, and I approached it with some trepidation, grasping the well-worn controls and aiming it out into the surrounding area to see if I could spot any primates.  Unfortunately, most scientists agree that there are no primates on Tasmania, so it would appear in retrospect to have been a rather poor place to establish a primatological observatory, and all I was able to see was a pair of scruffy Tasmanian devils lounging on a distant hillside.  I had hoped to interview Drs. Waddamana and Smith, but their noisy bickering and wrangling continued on Wednesday and Thursday, finally reaching a climax on Friday over whose idea it had been to locate in Tasmania in the first place.  By this time they were at each other's throats and had several times almost come to blows, and the Observatory staff suggested obliquely that it might be a good idea for me to leave.  They were kind enough to help me get my suitcases in the car and gave me a good push, and my last sight as I was coasting down the hill was of the two old curmudgeons rolling around on the dusty ground and attempting to strangle one another.
        That's about it for this issue.  Pretty disappointing, huh?  Not what I'd expected.  Anyway, next time I'll have my car inspected and try to make it to Nosy-Varinda Nature Reserve on Madagascar to meet Professor Ambato Ambilobe. So until then, I'll just say “So long.
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