Vol. 89,  No. 6
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Oct. 10,  1989
  TOWNSPEOPLE TERRIFIED AS
  NOOZ BUILDING COLLAPSES!
         Several frightened Hellmouth residents rushed out of their rickety homes at 6:40pm last Thursday evening thinking an earthquake had struck, but it was only the collapse of the Nooz building, and they soon lost interest and wandered back inside.  The six floors of the 1923 structure folded up like an accordion, one witness said, and dust from the collapse temporarily filled the two blocks of 3rd Avenue between Vine and Pine as the dull roar of falling masonry faded away in the dry Arizona twilight.
        The city fire siren sounded around 6:50pm, just as Joe's Not So Bad Cafe was beginning to get a few reluctant customers for dinner, but the Nooz clock, miraculously recovered intact from the ruins of what had been one of the finest remaining examples of Southwestern Gothic architecture in the Southwest, stopped at 6:45pm.  This little discrepancy has so far proved stubbornly unex-plained.  Joe closed the cafe when traffic was diverted around the area and an unnecessarily-rotund Hellmouth police officer, acting under the orders of Sheriff Poppy Rosebud, was stationed nearby to keep out the riff-raff.
        The collapse disrupted the evening delivery of the Hellmouth Star Ledger and Daily Chronicle, but things were back to normal by 8pm, and apologies were issued by Managing Editor Harvey Lederhausen.  The Gratiano Brothers were having their usual Thursday evening sale on pre-owned meat when the disaster struck and the electricity went off.  The slicing and tearing machine siezed up like a bluetail with a gobo root stuck in its throat, but power was quickly restored, and the evening's crisis, at least as far as one particular meat market and one particular newspaper were concerned, had ended.
        Morning light revealed a scene of utter devastation, with fire hydrants knocked over,
(Cont. on page 2)
 

  SHAW DROPS LAWSUIT
  AGAINST PRIMATE NOOZ

(AP)  Los Angeles, CA.  Noted paleontologist at the La
Brea Tar Pits and West Coast correspondent for Primate
Nooz Mr. Christopher Shaw announced today that he
has decided to drop the legal action against the Nooz
which has attracted such national attention.  From the
airy den of his soapstone-lined mountain hideaway high
in the Hollywood Hills, Mr. Shaw released the following
statement:  “It is not and has never been my intention to
harm the Nooz.  I just wanted to stop those persistent
references to me that made me look foolish to my wife
and children.  In the wake of the dreadful events of last
Thursday, specifically the collapse of the Nooz building
and the injuring of four really slow lorises, I have
decided to drop my lawsuit.  I wish good luck to the
Nooz in the difficult days ahead, and especially to
publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen
Lundale, Jr.”
      Mr. Shaw's top-floor office was miraculously
recovered intact from the ruins with all of his Nooz
memorabilia undamaged, and he will be flying to Arizona
later this week to inspect it, thereby further delaying his
departure to join the search for missing Professor
Mitsuo Ohhohoho, which we understand has now
shifted to the tiny, unmapped African nation of
Badongo-Gazimbi.
      Mr. Shaw's most recent Reader's Digest article,
“Major Building Collapses I Have Witnessed,” was the
unlucky recipient of an extremely negative review in
yesterday's Star Ledger and Daily Chronicle.  The
Cheesequake Weekly Mirror, however, praised its
brevity.
 
FOUR PRIMATES INJURED
IN BUILDING COLLAPSE
(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  Four really slow lorises were
injured last Thursday in the collapse of the Nooz
building.  The four primates had been undergoing
some treatment at the Human Diseases and
Primate Testing Facility and were out for a stroll
when the disaster occurred, sources said.  They
were rushed to Sigsbee Junior Night College
Medical Center, where their present condition was
described as 'guarded.'
      Most Hellmouth residents echoed the dry
sentiments of local bartender Pusky Thistleheimer,
who stated to still-stunned junior staff writer
Oretta Boudreaux, “They got what they deserved!
Damn primates!”  Boudreaux was miraculously
recovered intact from the wreckage.
      It is suspected that the lorises were simply too
slow to get out of the way of the falling debris,
and the Nooz will keep its readers informed as to
their condition.
 
  Primate Nooz is published whenever the
  publisher and editor are not on vacation by the
  Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr.
  Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.
  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and
  animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-
  dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South
  America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issues
  may be obtained by writing to:  Primate Nooz,
  c/o Arizona State Psychological Competency
  Board, Hellouth, AZ.
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