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ANNOUNCEMENTS

The New Primate Nooz regrets to announce that it will no longer be able to distribute copies in the following languages: Frisian, Leonese, Ingrian, Auvergnat, Erzya, Votian, Meglanitic, Karaim, Udmurt, Asturian, Kalmyk, Nogai, Bashkir, Walloon, Nenets, Yupik or Spanish. Because Mr. Kashihara Takeshitahara, our new owner, doesn't like them. Furthermore, he does not care for the countries of Portugal, Pakistan, Turkey, Thailand, Nigeria, Namibia, Canada and China or the cities of Riyadh, Chengdu, Nizhniy Novgorod, Galway, Bucharest, Bandung, Tampa, and Brazzaville because of some bad experiences he has had there, and so we will be discontinuing our service to those localities. Also, he does not like South America because he was once treated rudely by a gaucho in Argentina, and for that reason we are terminating our deliveries there.
    On a somewhat more positive note, we take great pleasure in introducing in this issue a brand new feature called Monkey Puzzles which was the brainchild of senior staffwriters Millicent Miniwell and Hugh Underhouse. We are going to be giving you some information about a particular money species and it will be up to you to guess which species it is. See below. The correct answers will be given in the following issue.

 

ADVERTS

Are you tired of trying to make your computer do what you want it to? Eyes getting a bit bleary? Touch of the old carpal tunnel? Heart racing more than usual? You either need a computer technician, or me, or perhaps both. I will live at your house 24/7 and work your computer for you (well, except for the 18/3 I need for eating, rest and recreation). So for six hours a day M-Th I'll only charge you $58/hour plus room and board. You're not going to find a deal like that anywhere else, I'll tell you. Give me a call, 800-222-2345, and Bob's your uncle, I'll be there in a flash.

One exciting night only, Saturday October 17, at the Hellmouth Convention Center, the Westminster Dog and Monkey Show, 6pm until it's over. Valet parking available. Refreshment booths. Medical personnel on hand. Tickets $20 per person, children under 1 month free. Call 386-5682 anytime between 2-3 pm Wednesdays or go online at www.HellCon.com.

Thanks to a revolutionary breakthrough resulting from a collaboration of two petroleum engineers here at Sigsbee Junior Night College and the busy marketing department of Horntoad Valley Oil, you can now buy all the cheap gas you need. Extracted from dried and crushed gobo roots, this new gasoline will sell for a mere $5.79 a gallon for regular and $6.49 for high octane. We know how important it is for you to be able to get out and about, and we've been working hard to see that you do it. Delivery available for all home tanks. Don't wait, our supply is limited. Come on down to Horntoad Valley Oil on the corner of 2nd and Vine. Free gorogo bean lollipops for the kids.

Yes, we did have a going out of business sale, and no, we didn't really go out of business, but now we are, so come on down to Hemple's Appliance and Small Animal Feed. We have high-def vacuums, microwave tv's, projection printers and gas scanners, color washers and digital dryers, lots of stuff. It won't be here forever. This is your last chance. Hemple's Appliance, 3rd and Pine St., Hellmouth.
 
The
Primate
Nooz©
 
Produced as a public service by the award-winning  Arnett Putney, III and Widen Lundale, Jr., with  major funding by Horntoad Valley Oil, and additional funding provided by Gabon Airways, the Harvard  University Primate Medical Laboratory, the Cheesequake Chess and Checker Club of Cheesequake,  the Bluetail Foundation, the Hellmouth Sheriff's  Association, Travel and Primatology Magazine, the Equatorial Fruit Toxins Institite, KNUZ-FM, Al's Pharmaceuticals, and the Matsushita Chopstick Co.
© M. Charters, 2005, Sierra Madre, CA.
 

RECOMMENDED READING:

Hi readers. I Win Wing Wan, formerly of Peking Zoo. May be you remembering me. I remembering you. I very small. I frozen but now cloned. In charge of new "Recommended Reading" section of Nooz again. Also for writing articles. Chinaman's elbow all better glad to say. Have honor to introduce worthless 2nd and 3rd sons as Reading Assistants. I needing to say here are latest recommendations:

Arthur Alexandermeyer (1992). "Small Town Mayors Who Have Died of Gobo Root Poisoning."  Tuber Weekly, 12:10-99. *****

Alfred Townsend Winchester Crofford-Wiggles (1901). Primates, Abominable and Otherwise.  Dhangari and Doti Brothers Press, Kathmandu. ****

Watanabe Kibombo (1988). The Toilet Claw in History. Antananarivo University Press, Antananarivo. *****

Dr. Francois Quimper Bonnetable Rochefort-Chateauroux (1990). The French Fiddler Monkey and What Made It That Way.  Toulouse and Rennes, Amien. ****

Chris Shaw (2004). My Year Among the Abominable Primates. Primate Nooz Press, Hellmouth.*
 
Monkey Puzzles
 Millicent Minniwell and Hugh Underhouse
    
Hi! I am a very common monkey in Africa and can be found in tropical mangrove forests. I am a folivore but also enjoy insects and small invertebrates. Males of my species are moderately larger in size than females, and both sexes have distinctive markings on the face and rump to make us recognizable. I have well-developed cheek pouches and separated ischial callosities, and my lower third molars have only four cusps. My intermembral index is 82 and I am quadrupedally very agile. I use my tail primarily for balance. I live in groups with one male and a whole lot of females. What am I?
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The answer will be given in the next exciting issue of the Nooz.
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