Page Two
 “THE NEW NOOZ MAKES ITS
POSITION PERFECTLY CLEAR!”
 
        Many of you have wondered, as indeed we all have wondered, just how safe are we in our daily workplace.  Have adequate precautions been taken to safeguard our life and limb? Have procedures been set in place to insure that we will not suffer from accidental injuries such as first degree burns or paper cuts?  Or do our department heads callously disregard the integrity of our persons, and are we in fact in constant jeopardy from the hazards that surround us every day?  It seems that the hydrogen laser spotlight used by Bill Measely to illuminate various intriguing regions of the world is a good example of the dangerous equipment we have here at the Nooz.  The fact that Recommended Reading Editor Mr. Win Wing Wan was accidentally cryogenically frozen by Dr. Dick Doody is a perfect illustration of the risks to which we are subject in the course of our normal activities.
        We have stated before, and we wish at this time to make our position crystal clear once again, that we feel that the Nooz should immediately install a Secure-Web strapping system such as the one designed by Spider Web Inc. of Mt. Sydney.  All open spaces that we work in and move through should be Secure-Webbed, and Spider straps attached to each employee to keep us from hurting ourselves.  Unfortunately, the owner of the Nooz and CEO of the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corporation, Mr. Kashihara Takeshitahara, has thus far resisted our efforts to utilize state-of-the-art safety devices such as are available from Spider Web Inc. He will not allow us to carry personal sirens to summon help in the event of an incident. He will not permit the use of individual-mounted stationary and moving object radar receivers. He says that seat belts in the editorial room chairs are entirely too cumbersome, and foot locks in the ink spreading and paper flattening departments too restrictive.  He even had the safety nets we had strung in the break room removed!
        We feel that it is time for a change of attitude at the top.  How many more Nooz staffers must suffer due to Mr. Takeshitahara's reluctance to lose face?  Therefore, we honorably demand that this issue be taken up once again, and this time we insist on a different outcome.
  
 
Gorogo Bean Festival
Disrupted by Hecklers
  
200 Months Ago Today
200 months ago today the Tomb of the Unknown Primate in Hellmouth Town Square was vandalized by a gang of unruly refuse workers who were resentful of having to pick up smelly trash at the Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium. It was widely known that the behind the exhibits area at the world-famous Southwestern Arizona institution were often littered with rotting gorogo bean shells and gobo root husks, and it was in fact piles of these odoriferous items that were strewn about on the beautiful granite mausoleum. Hellmouth's newly-elected mayor, Billy Ray Griswold, decried the vandalism while at the same time stating that it was indicative of the feelings of most of the townspeople, who had grown weary of the stench that so frequently wafted through the business section and residential communities of this curious little burg.
    As the article on the opposite side of the page shows, not much has changed in the past 200 months.

    200 months ago today the Rafikistani cleric Betpaqdala Qaraghandy issued the first fatwah against the maintaining of monkeys in people's homes. In issuing the fatwah, he cited the Qoran, which specifically states that "All praise is due to Allah, for he created the heavens and the lower places. He made horses and mules that you might ride upon them. He made the bees that you might have sweet honey. But certainly those creatures that are like people shall not be brought from the forest. So drive away all those and live in humility and have not commerce with those who have tails like hands, for they are cursed in the eyes of Allah."
    Ever since the days of the great Roman general Simias Flavius, who brought thousands of monkeys to Rome to test their plummeting potential (see article here), the practice of housing them has spread throughout the ancient world. But Cleric Qaraghandy's fatwah stated that monkeys or other monkeylike animals could not be 'employed to wash fruit or move furniture or babysit children under the age of 3,' but they could be used to change the oil in the family car.
(AP) Hellmouth, AZ. The 19th Annual Gorogo Bean Festival being held in Beazleton Memorial Park was disrupted over the weekend by hordes of maddened hecklers. The gorogo bean, which has long been one of the mainstays of the economy of the Horntoad River Valley, has been held in increasing disrepute due to its powerful and unpleasant odor. Only last month, the Mt. Sydney City Council passed an ordinance banning the sale of the smelly vegetable inside the city limits.
    Visitors to the Festival, many of whom were lucky to suffer from nasal limitations, were the target of thrown items such as rotten fruit and rolled-up copies of the New Primate Nooz. It is no secret that the Nooz has been a major supporter of the gorogo bean industry. In addition, a table displaying several dozen gorogo bean pies was overturned, and a large tent where interested attendees were viewing a film on the history of the gorogo bean was pulled down. Comments such as, "Why don't you take your beans and get out of town?" and "Lima beans yes, gorogo beans no" were among those overheard by Festival organizers.
    Fifteen rowdies and several other ne'er-do-wells were arrested and taken to jail.
 
Six Primates To Appear
In Cheesequake Production
    
A landmark event is scheduled to take place in Cheesequake on Sat., Nov. 18. The Old Thurmon Theater, which was recently renovated after being vacant since 1927, will be the venue for a new production of King Lear, one of Shakespeare's greatest classics. What is likely to make this a standout performance and to draw theatergoers from as far away as Shepherd's Peak and Algonquin County will be the inclusion in the cast of a number of primates who have been studying at Sigsbee Junior Night College with the noted monkey acting coach Jasper T. Mortlow.
    Starring in the role of Lear will be a crusty macaque who has mastered approximately eighty words in ASL. Lear's daughters Cordelia, Goneril and Regan will be played by a very able trio of red-toed baboons who have been living at the Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium for the past several years, and the noblemen Gloucester and Edmund will be portrayed by a giant pygmy chimpanzee and a bluetail guenon. Other characters of lesser importance will be played by human actors. The Nooz has been told that the primates will hold up signs with their dialogue for the audience to read. Rehearsals have been going on for several months, and there will be both afternoon and evening performances.
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