Nooz16D

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Primate Nooz is pleased and proud as punch to be able to announce the lineup for the coming year. Don't let your subscriptions lapse, we're going to have hot articles and even hotter interviews. A multipart series on the dangers of galago research in Jujube. A report on the TALL, TALL trees of SE Asia. The Nooz visits the Primate Faire in Libreville, Gabon with Dr. Oondóué M. Boué. Marsupial monkeys. Aquatic monkeys. Flying monkeys. Giant pygmy chimpanzees. The hydrogen laser spotlight and the Nooz Phone and “Report from the Field.” The return of Dr. Doody. The bio-mechanics of primate plummeting. Come on, don't let us down, and we won't let you down. We can't do it without you. Respond to the coupon on the right, and don't be stingy. We're still the best primate newspaper in this part of SW Arizona, and we want to prove it.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Dr. LeFrank Smythe Axelrod-Abernathy (1988). Primate Pesematology: The Science of Falling Primates, Vol. II. Cambridge Center for Gnathic Research, Hartsfield-on-Rye, New Mexico. *****

Professor Ambato Ambilobe and Dr. Watanabe Kibombo (1969). “How Did The Toilet Claw Get To Madagascar?” Journal of the Continental Drift Society, 2:23-40. *****

Dr. Framcois Quimper Bonnetable Rochefort-Chateauroux (1988). “French Fiddler Monkeys Past and Present.” Annales de Paleoprimatologie Francais, 35(3):90-110. *****

Christopher Shaw (1990). “The Many Uses of Soapstone in Building a Mountain Hideaway High in the Hollywood Hills.” Reader's Digest, 916:385-399. *

HELP SAVE THE NOOZ

Due to the unionization of our staff, the recent collapse of the Nooz Building, and the increase in monkey chow prices, we have been feeling just a touch of financial discomfort. It has unfortunately become necessary to ask our many loyal readers for assistance, and we feel sure that you won't let us down. If you look forward to reading the Nooz as much as we do, please send us your donations before it is too late. We will accept anything at all, money orders, foreign currency, stock certificates, postage stamps, CDs, checks of all kinds, savings bonds, coupons, bank notes, food stamps, coin collections, canned goods, used clothing and any other commodities or resellable items. It's either send us stuff, or we'll have to start charging for the Nooz.

“Yes, I definitely want to help save the Nooz. I am enclosing a check payable to the Primate Nooz Survival Fund in the amount of _______ or some other stuff.”

Name:______________________________
Address:____________________________
City/State/ZIP:________________________
Country: ____________________________

Please send immediately to: The Primate Nooz Survival Fund, c/o The Putney-Lundale Towers, Hellmouth, Arizona.

Frankie's Computers 'N Stuff




www.frankie.com or 1-800-888-5252

Produced as a public service by all the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Free Fall Club of Togobogo and Jujube, the Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center, the Suriname Lumpers and Splitters Society, the Bluetail Foundation, the Austrian Institute of Primatology, Pinkie's Quik-Shop and the Tremblay-Waxenhauser National Center for Primate Disorders.

ADVERTS

Have you been falling a bit too often lately? Branches in the old neighborhood getting a tad brittle? Most of your friends have broken fingers or busted tailbones? You either need a hospital, or me, or perhaps both. I'll come out and rig a series of safety nets through your habitat that will keep you high but not necessarily dry. Rates by the square meter, and I don't work cheap. Safety straps and harnesses of all types available. Nick's Nets 'N More, 3rd and Pine St., Hellmouth.

If you're like me, you're tired of not being heard in the forest, and even if you're not like me, you might still be interested in my Acme Long Call Amplifier. Practically portable, guaranteed up to 5km range. Batteries only need to be changed every once in a while, depending on how pugnacious you are. Write to: Important Inventions Inc., Box 5050, Hellmouth. You can't do without it. Trust us!

Getting too dark for you after the sun goes down? Night vision not what it used to be? Nocturnal life pretty much a big disappointment because you can't see where you're going? Hey, no sweat! I'll come out and fix you up with a system of floodlights that will illuminate every nook and cranny of your habitat. I can tell you right now, it won't be inexpensive. Rates by the light, and according to how far you are from an electrical outlet. Nick's Nightlites, Pine and 3rd Ave., Hellmouth.

Just out in VHS, Lost Again, the exciting, extra-length movie about the epic adventures of the Icelandic explorer-primatologists Leif Englanberg and Olaf Petersen, who were lost more than once and lived to tell about it. Also, Mysterious Aliens III, Terror in the Bermuda Triangle, Revenge of the Abominable Primate, and Coelecanths from Hell. Vern's Video Village, 3rd and Vine, behind the Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange Bank. All the parking you'll ever need and we never close. See you real soon.