ABOMINABLE
PRIMATE SEEN IN HIGHLANDS OF BALI-BALI! |
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PRIMATE NOOZ ON VERGE
OF FINANCIAL DISASTER
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(UPI) Boise, ID. In
a report issued yesterday, the governing board of the National
Association of Primatological Newspapers accused Primate
Nooz publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen
Lundale, Jr. of fiscal irresponsibility and gross mismanagement.
The report stated that a recent audit of the Nooz
books revealed a shocking picture of the paper's current financial
situation, including diverted funds, heavily-mortgaged capital
equipment, drained retirement and pension plans, exaggerated
estimates of net worth, stock value and future earnings, and
many investments in shady enterprises. Mr. Putney and Mr. Lundale
could not immediately be reached for their comment. |
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Primate Nooz
is published as often as our shaky financial situation
allows and whenever funds are made available to us by
the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan
Troglodytes, President-in-Chief. Copies are shipped
to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the
U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South
America (except for Costa Rica). It's just barely possible
that some back issues might be obtained by writing to:
Primate Nooz Archives Deptartment, c/o Antlered Animals
Lodge Hall, Hellmouth, Arizona. |
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(Reuters) Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.
Bells rang out and even rickshaws stopped operating yesterday
in this beautiful and oddly-proportioned Southeast Asian city as the
sixteen members of the weary and worn-down International Rare Animal
Search Team returned from two weeks in the hot, moist and vegetation-choked
highlands region of Kalabatangtarang National Park, where they claim
to have seen almost certain traces of the oft-reported but little
seen Abominable Primate. The team, including the redoutable Irish
paleoprimatologist Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles, called
'Allen' by his friends, Dutch tarsier expert Piet Mons Apeldoorn,
Professors Beauregard Montgomery and Mortimer Thumpergarden, and Nooz
West Coast correspondent Mr. Christopher Shaw, spent three days trying
to get out of a remote high valley after stumbling across some very
strange footprints and tufts of hair not very much like those of known
animals. They also may have heard some noises which couldn't be identified.
Sightings of the odd stoop-shouldered
anthropoidal creature have been made frequently on Bali-Bali and in
the areas north of Nepal, but no one has ever produced any concrete
evidence that it really exists. The Search Team will be returning
to Kalabatangtarang after a hot shower and a few oilberry beers. |
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