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GOBO ROOTS
BANNED
INSIDE CITY LIMITS |
(AP) Hellmouth, AZ.
Mayor-elect Frank Pruner
went on record yesterday opposing the City
Council's decision to ban all gobo root sales in
Hellmouth. In an afternoon press conference,
he derided the Council's timidity, and said that
the toxicity levels of domestic gobo roots has
not yet been firmly established. Mr. Pruner,
himself a gobo root farmer, claimed that his
position is in no way related to the fact that his
chief source of income is the sale of dried and
powdered gobo roots to Hellmouth markets and
restaurants.
The ban on gobo roots
takes effect at once,
and the Council has requested Sheriff Poppy
Rosebud to enforce it vigorously. “It's a matter
of public health,” opined Council President
Moses Lakewood, who has already been in
touch with Dr.Jean-Jacques LeFebvre of the
Equatorial FruitToxins Institute for his support.
“The ban will remain in force until the big boys
say it's safe,” chirped the pistol-packing sheriff,
“and I'll be watching.” So until then, Hellmouth residents
will have to suffer the inconvenience
of going to Pinkie's QuickShop just outside the
city limits for all their gobo root needs. |
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OPINION Cont. from
page 2.
Cercopithecus subterraneus? Do you
see what
we mean?
We have what we
feel is a rather elegant
solution to the difficulty which no one else has
suggested, and which we have been proposing
quietly for years and do so again now. Simply
ask the individuals in question just what they
are. Surely they know what they are. Has anyone ever tried this?
Perhaps this would lead to a clarification of the situation,
and we here at the Nooz would not ever be faced with such
unanswerable questions again. It's just an opinion, but we think
it's as good as anyone else's, so there.
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| By Bill Measely, son
of Sir Horton Measely |
Editor's note: After
some brief adjustments and the
purchase of a lifetime service contract, Sir Horton
Measely's hydrogen laser spotlight is once again
ready for duty. Bill Measely, Sir Horton's
son, will
operate the spotlight using special non-conducting
gloves because of a slight short circuit problem
it
developed as we were preparing this feature. But
it
should be safe, so stand back. |
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Hi!
Bill Measely here, son of Sir Horton Measely, the
late inventor and former owner of the hydrogen laser spot-
light which I, his son and heir, now own. In this issue, the
Nooz has given us a large subject to illuminate, so we best
get right to it. We are hoping that it will not put too much
of a strain on the delicate mechanism of the spotlight,
causing it to swing around without warning and burn
people severely. Of course, the Amazon is a very large
place, and even if we started a fire there, it could burn for
months before anyone knew it, so we just won't worry
about it.
As the hot 1250°
beams of the spotlight sweep across
the apparently unbroken canopy of the ancient ant-strewn |
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Programs on TV this month
about the Amazon:
“The Amazon: What Good Is
It?” NBC, July 18.
“27 Ways To Prepare The Gobo Root.”
ABC, Jul.
22.
“Nature: Creeping Croesus Monkeys of the
Amazing Ancient Amazon.” PBS, July 29
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Amazon, we begin to discern some minor
irregularities in
the terrain. There's a small hill for example. Over there
is
another small hill. Now you can see a sluggish river.
Some trees. Oh, there's another small hill. If you look
closely, you might see a giant mud turtle, or even a |
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REPORT
FROM THE FIELD
By Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus |
Greetings
from Urubupunga! You probably don't even know where Urubupunga
is, but that doesn't matter since I do, and I'm here. So sit
back in your favorite chair, kick off your shoes, grab a Guinness
and
enjoy, because this is my.....“Report from the Field.” |
I
arrived here last Friday at the Urubupunga Research Station deep
in the heart of the ancient ant-
strewn Amazon and I've been hard
at work writing my “Report from the Field” ever since.
It was no mean
feat getting here, I can tell you. The
roads are not exactly superhighways and my battery gave out a couple
of times and I had several accidents, but then nothing in life is
easy! When I pulled up in front of the simple
white, wooden
headquarters building, I was met by the man I had come all this
way to do my report on,
Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho,
South America's premier primate biologist, gobo root expert,
and
fellow Nooz Advisory Board member. He took me over
to the guest house and helped me get all my
suitcases inside, and
then, with large carved wooden mugs of jaragua wine in hand,
we went on a tour of the
Station.
Urubupunga is situated
on the wandering banks of the sluggish Little Carauari River in
the state of
Amazonas, where stately jaragua trees overhang the thick
water and drop their fruit directly into the gaping
mouths of hungry skipperjacks
and giant mud turtles. The tall forests around the Station
are alive with
jumping spider monkeys emitting their characteristic
hroot-hroot calls while tiny leopard birds flit nervously
from branch to branch. After dinner, during which darkness
fell with tropical suddenness over the ancient
poison-filled Amazon
and we feasted on some excellent baked boa, Senhor Sobradinho regaled
me with
stories of his poverty-stricken youth in the undernourished
neighborhoods of Sao Paulo, then it was off to a
comfortable cot
and a good night's sleep.
Saturday and Sunday
I rested in the guest house and brought my “Report” up
to date, and then on
Monday I got ready to leave, having had a fantastic
experience. Senhor Sobradinho's camp staff prepared a
wonderful
picnic lunch for me and also recharged my batteries and straightened
a bent axle on my car. At
last, following a quick dip in the
sluggish Carauari River, I was off and anxious to cable my “Report”
back to
the Nooz.
That's about it
for this issue. I'm sure you all know a great deal more now
about Urubupunga and
Senhor Sobradinho than you did before. Next
time, I'll try to jump start my car and make it to the Kualakurun
Primate Reserve on the mysteriously-shaped island of Borneo to meet
the well-known Dutch primatologist
Piet Mons Apeldoorn. So
until then, I'll just say “So long.” |
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