Page Two
       “THE NOOZ
         VOICES ITS OPINION!”
        Several months ago as we were puttering about in our offices putting the final touches on yet another issue of the Nooz, dotting the last 'i's, crossing the final 't's, and making sure we had properly accented such strange foreign names as Teófilo and Oondóué M. Boué, there came a hesitant tapping at our door. When we finally got around to opening it, we looked down to see a small, bespectacled schoolboy shyly clutching his notebook and bag.  “Excuse me,” he said almost in a whisper, “but can you tell me please how many species of macaques there are?”  Well, of course we couldn't, because no one agrees on how many there are, and that got us to thinking about the deplorable state of primate taxonomy.  And since we had this space to fill, we decided to write something about it.
      Now we've been vexed before at other things like illegal poaching and deforestation and the destruction of primate habitats, but there is no single subject that irks us more here at Primate Nooz than the constant bickering and squabbling that goes on without end over the generic, specific and/or subspecific status of this group or that.  What's worse, it is primarily the professionals who are most at fault, slinging mud at each other, doubting each other, casting aspersions on each other's manhood (or womanhood as the case may be), and simply overreacting.
      The problem arises because of the lack in all too many cases of firm information about the systematic classification of certain taxa.  A few simple examples should suffice to illustrate our point. Is the siamang hylobates or symphalangus?  Is the tarsier an anthropoid or a prosimian, or something else entirely?  Is Burblemeyer's marmoset a callitrichid or a callimiconid?  Are the slow loris and the really slow loris conspecific? Is the flowery potto perodicticus or arctocebus or a third genus?  Are there two or three sub-species of the pouched langur Australis avunculus?  Is the jumping spider monkey ateles or a separate		  
(Cont. on page 3)
 
DR. DICK DOODY ARRESTED FOR
FELONIOUS MONKEY-NAPPING
  
NOOZ NOTES


     It is absolutely not true as was reported in our
sister publication PRIMATE LIFE that Dr. Dick
Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended) of the Primate
Pathology Dept. at Hellmouth Human Diseases
and Primate Testing Facility, has been arrested for
felonious monkey-napping.  This piece of vulgar
and scurrilous reportage appeared in the last issue
of PL and is typical of the gutter journalism that
has come to characterize that so-called 'news-
paper.'  Dr. Doody is at this very moment in his
degree-lined Nooz office sharpening his pens and
scalpels for the next edition of the “Cutting
Corner,” one of our most popular features, and he
has categorically denied ever napping any
monkeys, either great apes or lesser primates.  So
far, the editorial board of the Nooz is supporting
the controversial doctor.

      Volunteers working on a block of dirty matrix in
the paleontology laboratory at the Page Museum
have uncovered the first direct evidence that there
were indeed animals of some kind in the area of
Los Angeles 30,000 to 40,000 years ago, according
to our West Coast correspondent Mr. Christopher
Shaw.  The evidence is in the form of two almost
imperceptibly tiny fragments of bone-like material
that were brought to light by Lab worker Myrtle
Bisbee and that have been identified by eagle-
eyed Lab Mom Shelley Cox as having the
appearance of fossils.  “We are very excited about
this,” Shaw quotes Ms. Cox as saying, “it's a great
day for our dusty little museum.”

      The Matsushita Chopstick Co. has decided to
discontinue as of next year all funding for Primate
Nooz.  According to its spokeperson, Kushimoto
Nachikatsuura, the Nooz has been too extreme in
its support of primates and of conservation in
general, and too complacent about the desperate
need for chopsticks.  “Who cares about those old
rainforests anyway,” he said slyly, “to us they're
just living chopsticks.  We have to eat, don't we?”
The Nooz, which does not sell well in Japan, so far
has withheld comment.

(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon
(Suspended) of the Primate Pathology Department at
Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing
Facility, has been arrested for felonious monkey-
napping with intent to experiment, confidential sources
told the Nooz this week.
      According to our anonymous inside contact at the
Facility, Reeves Slaughterhouse, Doody was taken into
custody a 1:02pm last Thursday at Joe's Not So Bad
Cafe by Hellmouth Sheriff Poppy Rosebud, and charged
with the willful abduction of anthropoid primates, a
felony under Arizona statute 5081-1, para. 19.  Deputies
who searched his garage found and confiscated three
caged bluetails and a frilled indri. Doody was released
on his own recognizance, with a court date still to be determined

OHHOHOHO Cont. from page 1.

River in the state of Amazonas, not far from one of the
largest wild gobo root plantations in the New World.
The Urubupunga region is also one of the few
remaining viable habitats of the agile and oft reputed to
be venomous jumping spider monkey, and thus it is an
area rife with primates.
        When the Professor last disappeared, in 1972, it
was into the African jungle with which he was much
more familiar, and though the primatological world
watched and waited with mounting concern, he
eventually emerged from the tall trees, grinning and
triumphant.  This time he may not be so fortunate.  An
expedition is being organized to search for him, and the
Nooz has already received a few offers of financial
assistance which we will make available to Senhor
Sobradinho. Our new West Coast correspondent, Mr.
Christopher Shaw, citing extensive experience in the
Urubupunga region of the Amazon, has expressed an
interest in joining the team, but stated that he had to
wait for his Arrowhead water delivery and would be
unable to leave until next week at the earliest.
        Senhor Sobradinho reported that the only trace of
Professor Ohhohoho was a slim trail of gobo root husks
leading into the forest.  “He didn't even have his coffee
that morning,” said the grieving Brazilian.  “We just
have to find him before it's too late.”
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