Page Two
       “THE NOOZ
         REGISTERS A COMPLAINT!”
         The trapdoor of history swings on many a rusty hinge, and no matter how much we oil it the squeak never seems to go away.  One such critical juncture in our history was May, 1972.  It was the 200th anniversary of Priestley's discovery of nitric oxide, there was a mine disaster in Kellogg, Idaho, that killed 91 people, Win Wing Wan had just been appointed as the Director of Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, and the one thousandth issue of Primate Nooz burst upon us like a shooting star.  But the event that was to change our dusty little community forever for the worse took place when the first brick was laid for the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.
          Now we like human diseases and primate testing facilities almost as much as the next person, but this particular one has been mismanaged from the beginning.  First came the news of the death of Arnold, our mascot, under mysterious circumstances.  Then the Nooz was shocked to learn of the near-death of Sir Barclay Buffum and the inadvertant decapitation of a French fiddler monkey, both due to negligence and involving a Snickers bar.  Now local doctors are reporting an increase in peculiar maladies like Chinamen's elbow and undiagnosed complaints from people who live near the Facility, and we are left wondering just what is going on.
          Do these people seriously believe that the Nooz is not watching them?  Do they think for a moment that we are not scrutinizing their every move in the tiniest detail?  Do they suppose that the suspension of Dr. Dick Doody from the Primate Pathology Department will mollify us?  Do they consider the ire of the Nooz to be of such small magnitude that they can continue to operate with impunity?  Well, we don't know the answers to these questions, but we do know that the recent acquisition of the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation does not bode well for Hellmouth.  Meanwhile, the Nooz has other things to occupy our attention, like the rice crisis and the selection of a new mascot.  So on we go.		  
 

                    200 Months Ago Today

      200 months ago today saw the introduction of
the inaugural issue of PRIMATE LIFE, one of the
Nooz's two sister publications, the other being
Primate Week.  The slick new publication was written
and produced entirely in the town of Cheesequake,
Arizona, about fifteen miles east of Hellmouth on the
other side of the muddy Little Horntoad River, and
consisted of approximately 78 pages of stylish copy,
six-color photographs and jazzy advertising.  The
townspeople of Cheesequake, led by their mayor
Buttrum P. Alexander, turned out by the dozen
around 11am for a festive celebration in honor of
PRIMATE LIFE which filled two streets and lasted
until well after noon.

      200 months ago today was the 1st anniversary of
Sir Horton Measely's invention of the hydrogen laser
spotlight.  Sir Horton was never able to perfect the
device, which always exhibited a tendency to swing
around without warning, emitting hot 1250° beams
willy nilly, and burning people severely.  In fact, Sir
Horton was one of its victims. He was attempting to
replace an aluminum diode when it got him.  Bill
Measely, son of Sir Horton and current owner and
operator of the spotlight, has had it completely
refurbished at Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair, and
has declared it almost safe and ready for use on any
of the projects Primate Nooz has now waiting for it,
such as illuminating the strange and mysteriously-
shaped island of Borneo.

      200 months ago today the first brick was laid for
the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing
Facility.  Although it would be another six years
before the second brick was laid, it was nevertheless
an auspicious beginning for such an illustrious at that
time one-of-a-kind facility.  People and a few idle
curiosity-seekers from as far away as Runnamuck
crossed the muddy Horntoad River and flocked to
Hellmouth to see the brick and admire the way it was
placed.  That first brick was pressed by hand at the
Hellmouth Brick Kiln by Toby Waterhough, the
grandson of a former slave, who unfortunately
expired of Dutch lung disease before he could see the
ceremonial brick being laid.
 

         NEW TEST SHOWS CLOSE
         TARSIER-ORANG AFFINITY

(UPI)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  For a long time it has
been felt that tarsiers and orangutans are only very
distantly related, but a new test developed at the
Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological
Observatory in north central Tasmania disputes that
belief.  The process, called Dendrochondrial Split
Gene Mapping and Protein Rearray, which was
invented by Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil
Smith, and used in their work on Tarsius irritatus and
Pongo pygmaeus antiquus, demonstrates that the
two are at the very least congeneric and may even be
conspecific.
       Many other primatologists jeered at this idea
when it was first announced, but some are now taking
a second look.  Drs. Waddamana and Smith attempted
to utilize the 36" optical telescope to further their own
investigations, but regrettably there seem to be neither
tarsiers nor orangutans to look at on Tasmania, so
this was not helpful.

MONKEY HELL Cont. from page 1.

      The administrator of the facility, Mr. Tyler Kirby,
stated that Dr. Doody's professional credentials were
being reexamined in the light of this latest incident,
coming as it does on the heels of the inadvertant
decapitation of a French fiddler monkey, which we
reported in the last issue.  He has been temporarily
suspended from his duties in the Primate Pathology
Department, and will take a leave of absence to work
on his Nooz feature, “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner.”
His invitation to replace Mr. George Jefferson at the
Page Museum has also been rescinded, and thus the
laboratory staff there that was looking forward to his
stories of life in Hellmouth will sadly have to look
elsewhere.
      Sir Barclay was later resuscitated, and told Primate
Nooz an amazing story of life after death, how at the
end of a long, dark tunnel there was a brilliant light,
and how he emerged into a place that he could only
describe as a “monkey hell.”  Unfortunately, we don't
have the time or space to go into that right now.
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