Vol. 89,  No. 1
Hellmouth,  Arizona
Jan. 10,  1989
  “I DIED AND WENT
          TO MONKEY HELL!”
  ... says famed researcher

        When the world-renowned researcher Sir Barclay Buffum checked into the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility last month for a simple eyelid-scraping procedure, he thought he would be out in a few hours.  But something went dreadfully wrong, he told the Nooz, and he blames Chief Surgeon Dr. Dick Doody. The anesthetist on duty that day was an overeager young intern named Reeves Slaughterhouse, only a few weeks out of medical school in Mexico.  Apparently, the Facility's records indicate, a valve on the Isopropil tank had been misadjusted by a technician the night before, and the error was not detected until it was too late.
        By the time an emergency crew arrived from Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair, the elderly scientist was lapsing into a listless lethargy.  Sir Barclay, who now resides in nearby Cheesequake after moving from his native Wales in 1936, expired at 3:02pm, and after repeated attempts by Dr. Doody to revive him, he was pronounced no longer living.  The repair crew remained on the scene and found several other technical problems with the equipment in the operating theater which they claimed Dr. Doody should have been aware of, the worst of which was a Snickers bar jammed into the back of the heart/lung monitor.
(Cont. on page 2)    
 
  FLYING MONKEYS SEEN BY
  SCOTTISH PRIMATOLOGIST

       A startling new observation of primate behavior has
recently been made by Mr. Rob Roy MacDougall, an
amateur monkey-watcher in the employ of the Edinburgh
Small Mammal Conservatory, Hellmouth Division, who has
been on an extended vacation in the cloudy and fault-
ridden Makanza Mountains of Gabon.  In what appeared to
be a hastily-scribbled letter from the field, he reported to
the Nooz seeing cercopithecines actually attempting to fly.
He said that he had several times witnessed a large group
of vervet-like primates systematically breaking branches
and stripping them of their leaves, tearing down vines and
tying the branches together to form a crude type of wing
that could theoretically hold them up when they leap off
the tops of the tallest m'bili trees, and then carrying these
contrivances up into the canopy with them.  Mr.
MacDougall noted that a few of the animals managed to
make it to the closest adjacent tree, while the majority
simply crashed.
      A number of fatal injuries were recorded in Mr.
MacDougall's ink-blotched data book, a copy of which he
forwarded with his letter. While we here at the Nooz cannot
attest to the veracity of the report, it sounds very much like
tool use to us, but may in fact just be another form of
primate plummeting.  We will try to keep our readers
informed of any future developments that might or might
not take place in the area of anthropoid aviation.
 

              NOTORIOUS ANIMAL
               SMUGGLER CAUGHT

(AP)  Vaduz, Liechtenstein.  The notorious
animal smuggler Ignaas Hussein Vanderbosch,
who is of indeterminate national origin, was
captured yesterday crossing the border from
Switzerland to Liechtenstein with a large illegal
shipment of primates, including rare
blackbacked macaques and endangered aye-
aye-ayes, bluetail guenons, pouched langurs
and some giant mouse lemurs.  Many of
the animals were found in a diseased and dejected condition in cramped and filthy crates. They were immediately confiscated and Vanderbosch was fined $100.
 
 Primate Nooz is published every other year on  All Primates Day by the Ralph A. Bennett  Teasdale Corp., Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes,  President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every  major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S.  and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and  South America (except Costa Rica).  Back issues  (except for Vol. 7) may be obtained by writing to:  Primate Nooz, c/o  Hellmouth Human Diseases  and Primate Testing Facility, Hellmouth, Arizona.
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