Page Three
 
 
 With Dr. Dick Doody, M.D., Chief Surgeon  in  the Primate Pathology Dept., Hellmouth  Human  Diseases and Primate Testing  Facility.


Dear Dr. Doody,
      I am a Bornean colobine of the proboscis
persuasion. My problem is as plain as the
nose on my face. In fact, it is the nose on my
face.  To make a long story shorter, that's
what I'd like to do to my snout.  The long and
the short of it (rather more the former than the
latter) is that I've been ostracized from my
group because of a schnoz the size of a
durian.  What can I do?
Nick 'the Nose'

Dear 'Nose',
      I suggest considering nose reduction
surgery. Such procedures have allowed many
unhappy proboscids to resume an active
social life.  You will also find that with a
lighter nose, you will be able to get around in
the canopy better.  And remember, proboscis
noses, like many reptiles, keep on growing
throughout your lifetime, so the problem will
only get worse if you don't act now.  Give us
a call today, or tomorrow.

Dear Dr. Doody,
      I am a roseate baboon, and my problem is
that when I come into estrus, I swell up like a
you-know-what.  Now I generally don't mind
gossip, but it bugs me no end having having
everyone (especially the males) knowing my
business. They follow me night and day,
sniffing and trying to mate.  It's disgusting!
Do you have any advice for me?
Muffy

Dear Muffy,
      You're in luck!  There is now a somewhat
painless procedure that I recommend in cases
like yours. It's called surgery. After a brief
postop period, you will probably be able to
sit down almost normally, and no one will
butt into your affairs again. I've had a lot of
experience with surgery, so I know what I'm
talking about. Don't delay.


“Sexual Dimorphism in the 1990's - How Will
It Affect You?” by J. Wilkerson Tottingham.

“Avoiding Adaptive Radiation Through
Surgery,” by Dr. Dick Doody of the Primate
Pathology Department, Hellmouth Human
Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.

“Spotlight on Borneo” by Bill Measely, son
of Sir Horton Measely, late inventor of the
hydrogen laser spotlight.
Editor's Note: “WHAT IS...?” is a semi-regular feature of
Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger readers
and in which we ask different people in the exciting field of
primatology major “What is” questions.  In this issue, it is our
exceptional good fortune to be the beneficiaries of the
expertise of Dr. Thomas L. Harrison, who has published
numerous articles and childrens' stories about orangutans
and gorillas, and many other important-sounding papers.  So
buckle your seatbelts kids, because here we go with another
in this groundbreaking series. And you'd better take notes,
because Dr. Harrison often uses words that most people are
not familiar with.
 

       by
       Dr. Thomas L. Harrison
       Harvard University Primate Behavior Research Group


      The orangutan is a large, reddish, ofttimes surly and
ubsiguous animal that is completely unrelated to the tarsier.
It is characterized by a glabrous throat pouch capable of
infrensic vocalizations, prethenial limb joints, and many
distended distal hypoglotes, and frequently displays a
trapitular or at the very least fascitory mephitesis.  Not
surprisingly, the cranium is exigual, lacking brow ridges as in
the giant pygmy chimpanzee and the white-kneed gorilla, with
retragible curved orbits and a marked spenosis of the
maxillary phondyle. The anchules are suffository, the frangid
cavities are of expanded volume, and the drapuncular joints
are more akin to those of the sulky tarsier.
       It has been reported that orangutans, like reptiles,
continue growing for as long as they live, but it seems clear
that only uncomplicated people still believe this rainforest
myth.  Even though no reliable estimate as to their usual
lifespan or size has yet been attained, Professor Mitsuo
Ohhohoho has measured the degree of ossification of the
stenium in zoo specimens of known age, and has been able to
state unequivocally in his The Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho
Primate Identification Book and African Jungle Survival Guide
that they almost certainly grow to be quite large and live a
long time.
       The “Orang Utan,” which means 'large, reddish, ofttimes
surly and ubsiguous animal' in primitive Malay, presently
inhabits the dense mangrove-choked swamp forests and the
even denser mosquito-ridden inland forests of such
peculiarly-shaped Southeast Asian islands as Borneo,
Sumatra and Bali-Bali.  The antique Chinese orangutans
which existed in some numbers in the vicinity of Gwu-zhou all
opted to live in zoos several years ago.
       The orangutan customarily spends its day in the forest
breaking trees.  Since there are a lot of trees in these forests,
the orangutan has a big job to do.  Females and sub-adults
are often content to break only branches, while the older,
more andrigeal males break whole trees.  Most individuals
also like to eat and take an occasional nap.  Orangutans are
particularly partial to swamps, and in fact were once known as
the 'man of the swamp.'  Many popular swamp fruits were
discovered because orangutans threw them down to the
ground to eat later.

       WELL, I'M SPEECHLESS!  HOW ABOUT YOU,        GANG?  THE ORANGUTAN IS CERTAINLY A        FASCINATING ANIMAL, ISN'T HE?  I BET YOU        CAN'T WAIT TO GET YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE        HANDS ON THE NEXT EXCITING ISSUE OF        PRIMATE NOOZ!  TELL YOUR FOLKS!
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