Page Three
WHAT IS......
  
   
By Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely
  Editor's note: We had a pretty good outing the   last time but that was back in 1993, and the   spotlight has been in storage since then. So we   can only hope that nothing untoward will   happen when we press the On button and swing   the spotlight around to focus on the heavens,   where the planet Zarkon is hopefully waiting.   This will be an unprecedented attempt to   observe another planet, and we don't know   what's going to happen, so put your  visors on   and for God's sakes don't say anything!
[Focusing adjustments....]
[Focusing adjustments....]
[Focusing adjustments....]
      Something is coming into focus now.  It's big! It might be, yes.... it's a planet!  There's a blue dwarf in the background.  I think it's the planet Zarkon, never before seen by erstwhile humanity. Uh oh, now it's drifting off.
[Focusing adjustments....]
      Here it comes again!  It's really round.  It's really big.  It's really.... [BANG!]  Watch out.  It's too hot!  [KRANG!]  Shut it down, shut it down! OK, now turn on the cooling spray....  That was sure a close one there.  I guess the spotlight just doesn't have enough power to illuminate some-
thing that far away. Oh well, maybe we'll have better luck next time.
 
<<<<<<ZARKONESE ASTROLOGY CHART>>>>>>
[Translated by Dr. Basil Smith of the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory]
GHGGF (hhoity 21-20):  [Steer clear of] large [groups of] gfhtdhgd.  [Stay by] yourself QrRst ab [as much as possible.]
LWIKNSS (jggh 21-22): [The word for this period:] cellophane. [It will] bring [you a great deal of] greatt VXtgm vZZ ckvo.
QBLW (sdsppa 23-20):  [Don't lose your] hpVW temper. [You will need it whenever you engage in] gfhfgfhg iintrf AgE ggi ja.7..
TUUIVC (mndhj 21-21):   [Cellophane is your] destiny. [You must] remember [it always].
DFGJJK (laksjy 22-21):   [Try to be more] generous. [You don't have to be the] staril. KJSDFGGF (qqyqy 22-20):   [Remember all of your] friends. [This is not a time to] gfhfghf.
QQY (gnngfkj 21-21):   [You have a tendency to slip into] ways [of] thinking. [Watch out!]
H/JSXXX (mnamnaa 22-20):   [You can't save the] world, [so take a] vacati [and chill.] Yqg^@A (fgdf^^ 21-20):   [Zarkon is going to] explde [so make sure] affaiq [is in order.]
Editor's note: "WHAT IS....?" is a semi-regular feature of the New Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger readers and in which we ask important people in the field of primatology difficult "What is" questions just to see if we can make them squirm.  In this issue we are extremely fortunate to have with us Dr. Basil Smith of the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatolo-
gical Observatory, who along with his respected coll-
eague Dr. Mawbanna Waddamana, has been observing the giant space primate heading toward Earth.  Dr. Smith knows a lot about primates and space, so you better listen carefully, and take notes.
THE PLANET
ZARKON?
by Dr. Basil Smith
Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory
     What is the planet Zarkon?  Yes, that's the question before us today.  It's a question that has puzzled me ever since I was little.  I remember wondering about the planet Zarkon when I was just a boy.  Could such a place really exist?  Would they know about seniority? Would they have primates and primate plummeting? Could the famous hydrogen laser spotlight invented by Sir Horton Measely illuminate a place so hopelessly far away?  In my Astrology 101 class at Mole Creek Aussie High School, my professor would talk about Zarkon, but I thought it was just some imaginary place.
      Now that we have indisputable proof that Zarkon does exist, that Zarkonese aliens have walked among us, that they have come right here to Hellmouth and abduc-
ted one of our very own, our Reporter from the Field, Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus, we are forced once again back to that question we started with.  What is the planet Zarkon?
      To put it in astronomical terms, Zarkon is a small planet in the Agoraea cluster, hard by the Spirathes Nebula, orbiting a paltry, class-IV blue dwarf.  The noon magnetic tides are very strong around Zarkon and this has prevented space travel until recently.  The atmo-sphere is much like our own but we surmise that it may smell better. The plane of the eccliptic is only 67°, thus preempting sidereal rotation, and the density of the planet is relatively low, so that creatures without tails were less likely to evolve.  Many of us here at the Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory, who have been observing this curious little planet for some time, believe in fact that our own ancestral background may indeed lie on the planet Zarkon, and that the primates who came down from Mt. Mpika were actually dropped off there by Zarkonese spaceships.  While we can't say that this is generally accepted, it does seem more likely now that we have confronted confirmed alien visitors.  There is even the possibility that the giant space-dwelling primate heading toward Earth may originate on Zarkon, though we may never know that for sure.