Page Two
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THE
NEW NOOZ TAKES ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK OUT STRONGLY |
The
first rifts have appeared between the New Nooz and its new corporate
owner, Kashihara Takeshitahara, the first cracks in what had seemed a
seemless agreement between us, the first fissures in our professional
relationship, the first hints of potholes ahead, the first intimations
of a falling barometer. Mr. Takeshitahara himself arrived at our
offices last week and immediately ordered us to use a different brand
of paperclips. Apparently he likes the ones they make at the Hirosugi
Paper Clip Works in Tojosomi, while we favor the kind they make at Cheesequake
Clips. He insisted that we hire the reporting "team" of Win
Wang Win and Win Wang Wan, second and third eldest sons of the late, frozen
Win Wing Wan, whose ghostly apparition has appar- ently been psychically projected somehow through our offices at various times recently, while we think they're a pair of idiots. He wants us to print a weekly summary of the transcript of Japan-TV's new hit comedy show, "Sumo Simians," and we can't be bothered. Why does it always happen to us? We think everything's great and then it all falls apart. Mr. Takeshitahara does not seem to understand the American corporate mentality. Publisher Arnett Putney, III and Executive Editor Widen Lundale, Jr., despite their recent unpleasantries, very much resent having video cameras placed in their offices to watch them all the time. An alarm sounds in the cubicles of senior staff writers Fredina Mallard and Oretta Boudreaux whenever their fingers are off their keyboards for more than ten seconds. Reporter from the Field Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus was at first docked for having been away after he was ab- ducted, but that did eventually get straightened out. Pencils are being strictly accounted for. Everything has changed, and yet an apparently hostile relationship with higher management is something that always seems to stay the same for us. But we are no patsies. We don't take it lying down. Or standing up either, for that matter. Suffice it to say that the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation filed for bankruptcy within six months of closing the doors of the old Nooz. Right? 'Nuff said. |
HORNED GIBBONS ESCAPE FROM
HELLMOUTH MUNICIPAL ZOO |
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(UPI) Hellmouth,
AZ. Two pairs of endangered horned gibbons from Bali-Bali were reported
to have escaped yesterday morning from the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and
Exotic Animal Crematorium. They made their break at approximately
the same time and may have been working together. "Ralphie"
and "Diamond" have been at the Municipal Zoo for twelve years,
while "Big Ed" and "Mama" just came two years ago
from the New Orleans Rare Animal Park. An unlocked combination padlock
and three open gates were left as evidence of their route out of the enclo- sure, and none of the adjacent animals, the deermouse deer, the bush sloth, the tapirillo or the checkered cat, seem to have noticed anything untoward. Neither of the Zoo's pairs has produced any offspring, and that may be the reason for their escape. When last seen, "Ralphie" and "Diamond" were heading in the direc- tion of the Primate In Vitro Clinic adjacent to Hell- mouth Holy Hospital off Interstate 99, and "Big Ed" and "Mama" had checked into the Hellmouth Motel 6. Zookeepers have been dispatched to retrieve the lesser apes as soon as possible. |
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MECHANICAL SHAW RUNS
WILD AT LOCAL BONE SHOW |
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(UPI) Mt. Sydney, AZ. A mechanical simulacrum of New Nooz bigwig Christopher A. Shaw went out of control at last Thursday's Southwest Arizona Bone and Clone Exposition, destroying several booths and starting a small fire in the Robots of Japan exhibit. The incredibly realistic-looking and battery-operated Shaw, built by the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corporation's AI Division, made its initial debut recently as part of an experimental program to provide robotic substitutes for executives who have regrettably failed to live up to expectations. |