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ANNOUNCEMENTS
The New Primate Nooz is happy to announce
that,
with only a few exceptions, virtually its entire old staff
has been rehired by the Takeshitahara Corp. We
welcome everybody
back. We also welcome Yoshida
Murasaki as our new Stainer and Abe
Kabuki who is
taking over in Odds and Ends.
In 1993, before we shut down all operations here
at
Primate Nooz, we received a letter from a sixth-grader
at Hellmouth Middle School pointing out what should
have been an
obvious truth. The Nooz is read all over
the world,
and yet we display a surprisingly provincial
attitude. The
example he used, and we kicked our-
selves for not realizing this
before, was our 'Recom-
mended Reading' section, which includes only
material
written in English. All this time we could have been
recommending reading in other languages, but we had
turned a blind
eye to the rest of the world. We had
ignored thousands of
readers who don't speak our
tongue. We had assumed that everyone
spoke
English. By the time it became evident to us, it was
too late to do anything about it, and so for the past
decade we
have suffered the tortures of the damned,
thinking of lost opportunities,
and trying to reconcile
ourselves to the painful fact that we could
never
correct this horrible mistake. But now, we are back,
and we have been given a second chance.
Therefore, with this issue,
we have decided to ask
the world's forgiveness by trying to rectify
this griev-
ous omission, and include the rest of humanity in the
'Recommended Reading' section. We hope you can
see your way
clear to taking us back and not holding
this shortsightedness against
us.
RECOMMENDED READING:
Benedetto Popoli Frascati (1997). “Tassi
discendenti
comparatavi dell' asiatico pochi primati.”
Note dell'
Associazione Italiana di Primatologica, 12:19-32.
Alvaro Lopo Hanrrique (2000). “Comportamento
da
Nariz-colheita do primatas braziliano da planície.”
Sumário Europeu do Macaco, 15:92-99.
Pedro Tunuyán Olavarría (1995). “Mamiferos
del
bosque que caen africano del Subcontinente.” Diario
de la Sociedad Mammal del Bosque Suramericano,
23:40-52.
Gourdon Vesoul (1992). “Préférences
de fruit chez les
singes francais mâles de fiddlér d'adulte.”
Journal
Européen Anormal de Primatologie, 18:40-50.
Gourdon Vesoul (1998). “Une nouvelle espèce
de
lemur de souris de réserve de nature de Nosy-
Varinda.”
23ème Conférence Internationale sur les
Adaptations
de Prosimian, Vol. II, pp.1042-1043.
Gen. Johann Friedrich Battenburg von Gobbles-
Schnappeshausen
(1982). “Ruckgang der Anzahl
Erwachsenen Callitrichidae.”
Die Zeitschrift der
Deutschen Primaten Gesselschaft,
73(5):29-81.
Christopher Shaw (2001). Primates and Primate
Newspapers. Potts, Packer and Polthammer, Los
Angeles.
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ADVERTS
Is your house infested with bluenosed beetles?
Jumping cornhole worms? Sand roaches? Bitbugs?
Leaf chewers? Whistling gypsy moths? Well, look
no farther than BugsBeGone. We'll make your house
look like another Ice Age, and whatever doesn't melt
won't have any bugs in it. Our talented cryogenic
technicians will be in and out in 24 hours, and you'll
only have to stay away for a month, or maybe three.
We haven't met a bug yet we couldn't kill. Take our
word for it, we're the best. We're located in the
Cellophane Building in beautiful downtown Hell-
mouth. Come on down, or call us at 790-909-3232.
The Southwest Arizona Film Society invites
YOU to become a member. We will welcome YOU to all our
special events, limited release screenings, celebrity
parties and get-togethers with a lot of big Holly-
wood directors. YOU will be free to come into the
Runnamuck Film Museum anytime you want and
bring a guest too. We will be asking YOU to be
there to watch local filmings and possibly star in
commercials. YOU will have a lifetime pass to the
New Universal Studios Amusement Center in
Cheesequake, and YOU will receive a signed letter
from Buster Moppet, the famous child actor and
lead in HBO's “Potato Bugs from Hell.” YOU
will
only have to pay a small fee of $5999.99 per year.
Come in Tuesdays and Thursdays to fill out an
application, or write us at: 256 Horntoad Ave.,
Mary's Wells, AZ.
Is your tail not exactly as prehensile as
it once was?
Are your callosities not quite as ischial as they used
to be? Is your stomach perhaps less sacchulated
than it should be? Doggone it, we know how you
feel. So come on down to the Adaptations Adjust-
ment Center, 330 W. Vine St., Hellmouth. Whether
you're an outpatient or have to stay for a few days,
we'll do our best to take care of all your needs. We
have professionally-trained attendants, and we
maintain hourly contact with the Hellmouth Human
Diseases and Primate Testing Facility and with Hell-
mouth Holy Hospital.
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Produced
as a public service by those inscrutable folks down at
the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corp. of Japan, with additional
funding provided by the Tokyo Noodle Society, the Edo
University Pri-mate Studies Department, the Mt. Fuji Animal
Alliance, Happy Hyogo's Supreme Sushi House, Joshinetsu
and Co. Booksellers, the New Primate Plummeters League
of Fukushima, the Royal Blue Snowmonkey Reserve, and the
Nagasaki Free Rice Carving Institute. |
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© M. Charters, 2002, Sierra
Madre, CA.
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