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ANNOUNCEMENTS
Yes, it's true. Primate Nooz is going
belly up. Every-
thing must go, paperclip bins, water coolers, rolling
chairs, air cleaners, ink spreaders, copy machines and
everything located near any of those things. Every-
thing from the very desks of publisher Arnett Putney,
III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. to the hot
1250° hydrogen laser spotlight (and its owner, Bill
Measely). Everything! The Nooz is folding its
tent
and will be gone from Hellmouth by next Tuesday, so
come in while you have a chance and see what we've
got. All our features will be available to anyone who
wants them, “WHAT IS...?,” “Dr. Doody's Cutting
Corner,” “Spotlight on the World,” “Report from
the
Field,” “200 Months Ago Today,” “News Behind
the
News,” “Year in Review,” “Recommended Reading.”
All of them. Please note that any other primatology
newspapers are welcome to rifle through our stuff to
see if there's anything they could use. Well, all except
PRIMATE LIFE, Primate Week, and New Southwest
Arizona Monkey News, that is. Those three publica-
tions in particular have not supported us as we would
have wished. We'll be open tomorrow from 1-3pm.
RECOMMENDED READING BY DR. THRACE
THRASHER, M.D.:
Jena Halle Ochsenfurt (1981). “Phylogeny
and classi-
fication of the red-nosed sifaka.” Antananarivo
University Library Notes, 111:35-47. *****
Theodore Simpson Isaacs (1970). Rafikistan
Odyssey.
Kushanbe Press, Alma-Kzyl. *****
Mitsuo Ohhohoho (1988). “How I Found
the Lost
City of the Cercopithecines.” Unnatural History,
November, 45-50. *****
Maximilian Quail (1995). “Gas Exchange
in the East
African Ground Colobus.” Mammalia Tanzania, 12:17-
23. *****
Arnett Putney, III (1993). “The Proud
History and
Woeful Ending of the Primate Nooz.” In 20th
Century
American Primate Newspapers, ed. Widen Lundale, Jr.,
Barnes and Goble, Cheesequake. *****
Boué, Dr. Oondóué M. (1988).
"What is the Bluetail?"
Primate Nooz, 88(8):3.
Christopher Shaw (1993). Adrift in Noozland:
The
Story of My Unfortunate Association with the Primate
Nooz. Potts, Packer and Polthammer, Los Angeles.
**1/2
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Dear Editor,
Just what are we supposed
to do now that the
Primate Nooz is going out of business? Read Ladies
Home Journal or World of Mechanics? I mean,
we've been relying on the Nooz ever since the Big
Blow of '72. Who else is going to do “Reports from
the Field” like E.S. Fleiglehaus did? Who else
is
going to advise us about surgical matters the way
that Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended)
did? Who else can focus the 1250° beams of the
hydrogen laser spotlight on wierd corners of the
world the way Bill Measely did? I mean, PRIMATE
LIFE isn't even in the same universe as the Nooz.
So what are we going to do?
Arnie
Munsterham
Hummingbird
Junction
Dear Arnie,
Well, there's The Primate
Times of London,
Travel and Primatology, Monkeys of Mali Monthly,
Chimp Digest, the Gorgonzola Gazette, The
World
Weekly, the British Royal Museum Journal of the
Cercopithecinae, Monkey World, Bombay Monkey
Club Notes, the Journal of Abnormal Primatology,
Junior Ape Magazine, Primate Week and the British
Review of Primates, but we agree that there was
only one Primate Nooz, and now that it's going to be
gone, there are only second-rate substitutes left.
We are going to be forwarding your letter to the
Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation in hopes
that they will reevaluate their unfortunate decision
to close down the Nooz.
Dear Editor,
Last Friday I was visiting
a friend who works in
the 'Recommended Reading' section of the Nooz,
and I could swear I saw Win Wing Wan. The
person I saw was definitely Oriental, and he was
holding his elbow as though he was in pain. I know
Mr. Win was frozen and all, but is there any possib-
ility that his ghost could be haunting the Nooz?
I'm
sure it was him. Have you had any other reports of
people seeing him?
Thursby
Spackfaster
Mt.
Sydney
Dear Thursby,
Yes, we have.
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Produced
as a public service by the friendly folks down at the
Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp. with additional funding
provided by Georgia Paci-fic Gabon, the Redfaced Macaroon
Temperance League, Joe's Not So Bad Cafe, the Practically
Dead Primates Special Care Center, Plummeters Anonymous,
Hellmouth Holy Hospital, the Southwest Arizona Forestry
Department, the Nagasaki Rice Carving Institute, the Great
Ape Film Society, the John P. Simon Tree Thistle Co.,
the Guenon Guild of East Africa, and the Abomin-able Primate
Rehabilitation Fund of Rafikistan. |
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© M. Charters, 1993, Sierra
Madre, CA.
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ADVERTS
Are you all loaded up with chemicals but would like
some fruit? Perhaps you've got a bunch of fruit but
need some chemicals? Well, doggone it, we've got
both, because we're the Hellmouth Chemical Fruit
Exchange Bank, and we're just dying to do business
with you. Come on down and bring whatever you've
got. Mr. Bill Whitehaven is our New Accounts
Manager, and he's got free potholders for the first
2000 customers who open a circulating account. But
don't wait too long, they're going fast, so do it today,
or tomorrow. Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange
Bank, corner of 3rd and Vine, Hellmouth.
Armasol TL has just been approved by the FDA and
is now available over the counter in handy 500-tablet
bottles with monkey-proof caps at Al's Pharmaceuti-
cals. Specifically recommended for relief of digital
hypertrophia, aplastic microneria, neuraleptic displa-
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systemic kinesis, cistolic tricyclidosis, fibular dyspep-
sia, isotetic anemia, opthalmic hydrenomene, dystonic
monoplegia, vasospastic constriction, gastroesthesia,
peronitis of the lower bowel, and sinus congestion.
Not for monkeys.
Now taking applications for grade levels 3 through
6,
Hellmouth Technical Elementary School on the
campus of Sigsbee Junior Night College. Student-
teacher ratio of 15-1, most all our teachers have
credentials of some sort. We feature squares and
triangles, mechanical drawing, quantum calculus,
organic and inorganic chemistry, calligraphy and
spelling. Financial assistance and after-school care
available. CALL (790) 777-1234.
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