Issue 22IE Page 3

REPORT FROM THE FIELD
By Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus

Greetings from Monkey Island Prison! You probably don't even know where Monkey Island is, but that doesn't matter since I do, and I'm here. So sit back in your favorite chair, kick off your shoes, grab a Guinness and enjoy, because this is my.....“Report from the Field.”

       I arrived here on Wednesday at Monkey Island Prison which is located appropriately enough on Monkey Island just off the coast of South Africa, and I've been hard at work writing my “Report from the Field” ever since. To say that it is an island is somewhat of a misnomer, because it is only separated from the mainland by a channel about two feet wide and six inches deep. Really, you could easily step over onto it, so I don't know why they call it an island. Last year they built a million-dollar state-of-the-art bridge across to it, which seemed like a waste of money to me. But then what do I know about bridges? Unfortun-ately, I was not able to use this wonderful new bridge because I was the victim of a rare all-four-tire blowout while driving through the village of Burgersdorp, and I only had one spare tire with me. The Tourist Com-missioner in Burgersdorp told me they didn't have any spare tires for my type of vehicle so he had to arrange alternative travel for me, which involved a train to Mt. Zebra, a bus to Rossingberg, and then a taxi to the tiny airfield at Umtata, where I chartered the African version of a Cessna to fly me over and parachute me and my suitcases onto Monkey Island.
      Once I floated down through the salty South African air and landed, I found myself standing in front of the notorious and evil-looking Commandant Dr. Oudtshoorn Grootegraaf. He was carrying his trademark silver-handled bullwhip and wearing his characteristic black felt patches over both eyes, yet I sensed that he was watching me closely. He evidently didn't remember how I tried to break into the prison back in 1990, and promised that I would never, ever try to file a “Report” from here again, and he introduced himself to me and offered me a welcoming Brown Kroonstad Ale, then he snapped his bullwhip and several primates in prison garb rushed out and grabbed my suitcases and dragged them into the visitor's block. I was anxious to question Dr. Grootegraaf about the reports I had heard of improper treatment at his prison, but frankly he scared the daylights out of me, so I didn't say anything. It was late in the day, and after a hearty supper of boerewors and curry in the prison mess, it was off to my cell and a 9pm lockdown.
      I frankly avoided Dr. Grootegraaf for the next several days, although I often saw him watching me from the upper tier of the main cellblock as I wandered around taking notes for my “Report.” I heard the bullwhip snapping in his office, and I just couldn't get up the nerve to interview him. It was eerie how he could appar- ently see even though his eyes were covered by those felt patches. The guards told me that most of the inmates had violated South Africa's Monkey Laws and were here on long sentences. On Saturday I was allowed to visit the fruit farm on the south side of the island and observed the prisoners picking fruit. They seemed rather dejected to me, but what do I know about fruit? Inside the prison, the inmates boxed the fruit and carried the heavy containers out to the truck bay. It appeared to be an extremely miserable existence to me, but I was loathe to challenge Dr. Grootegraaf about it, and on Sunday, after a parting Brown Kroonstad Ale, he said goodbye to me and took his leave, snapping his whip in the air. Although he had invited me to stay longer, I used the excuse of having to meet a deadline to decline, and I gladly stepped over the channel and walked quickly away from Monkey Island Prison.
      That's about it for this issue. Not my usual kind of “Report,” I must say. Next time I'll try to get over the trauma of this experience and make it to....   Oh, yeah, there's not going to be a 'next time.' Bummer. Well, all you great readers, this is it. Thanks for tuning in and sticking with me. Maybe sometime I'll collect all of my exciting and educational “Reports” and publish them as a book. Maybe I'll charge $29.99 for it. Yeah, that's the ticket. So until then, I'll just say, “So long.”