Page Two
       “THANKS TO ALL YOU
          GREAT SUPPORTERS!”
        Ninety-three years ago the 20th century was just beginning.  The Boxer Rebellion had broken
out in China and Carrie Nation was wielding her anti-saloon hatchet here at home.  Some 200 men
were killed in a mine disaster at Scofield, Utah, and 6000 people died from a hurricane which hit
the port of Galveston, Texas.  The King of Italy, Umberto I, was assassinated, William McKinley
won reelection as President of the United States, and Queen Victoria was ill.  More importantly
for us, ninety-three years ago an itinerant shoe salesman named Bucephalus T. Stephens from
Ibbesville, Iowa, picked himself up painfully by the scruff of his own neck, moved his collection
of Mexican howler monkeys to Arizona, and started jotting down some crazy ideas he had on the
back of an old mining claim form.  From those humble and inauspicious beginnings and crazy
ideas has evolved in fits and starts over the intervening decades the Primate Nooz that you are
reading now.
      One of the crazy ideas that Mr. Stephens had was that Southwest Arizona was ready for a
primatological publication of its own, and that he was the man to give it to them.  When he
arrived in the rough-and-tumble Hellmouth of the 1900's, a town only recently removed from the
Wild Bill Hickok era, he thought he'd be well-received.  After all, he came all the way from
Ibbesville, Iowa.  He thought he'd be accepted.  He thought at least that he wouldn't be run out
of town.  But the irate residents of Hellmouth did run him out of town, six times before he retired
and left the Nooz to his only son Morty.  That was the start of the hard years, and they lasted
until Morty was finally institutionalized in 1935.  The Nooz struggled on through wars and
recessions and interspecies strife, and the Nooz building collapsed a number of times, yet we
never lost our composure.  We suffered through the awful bean blight of the 40's and the plastic
shortage of the 50's and the fake fig scandal, and we were rocked by lawsuits and sinkholes and
shocked at the disappearance of Mitsuo Ohhohoho and the accidental cryogenic freezing of
Win Wing Wan.  Yet through it all we have held on, clinging to existence by our very finger-
nails, and the results have indeed been gratifying.  In March, the Nooz received the Hero of
Publishing Award from the Smithsonian Institution, and when Chris Shaw rejoined our staff, we
anticipated no further legal difficulties from him.  We had even been asked by the European
Monkey Council to organize a conference on extinct primates which we were hoping to hold at
the Man and Mammal Museum in Cheesequake sometime this fall.
      Now that the lights are going out here at Primate Nooz and it appears that our era is over, we
just want to thank all you loyal readers, and to let you know how very much we appreciate what
you've done for us and what you've meant to us through the years.  We certainly couldn't have
done it without you.  You know who you are, and thanks a million!		  
 
     GIANT SPACE PRIMATE STILL
     HEADING TOWARD EARTH!!
 
      When the publishing firm of Potts, Packer and
Polthammer packed up and moved from Hellmouth
to Los Angeles recently, it was thought that it was
due to its desire to expand into a large metropolitan
market. After all, PP&P had been limited to produc-
ing small technical manuals for the Southwest
Arizona Forestry Department, children's books like
Petey Goes To Cheesequake and Barney Bear's
Guide to Manners, lists of nutritious ingredients for
several area Chinese restaurants, and Bill Measely's
Chronicles of the Hydrogen Laser Spotlight.
       Mr. Potts and Mr. Packer were both local book-
sellers, and when Mr. Polthammer arrived from Nor-
way in 1979, they decided to establish a publishing
house.  Their move to L.A. last January, however,
was a complete surprise to area residents, and it has
now been revealed that Really Scientific Letters
Editor Mr. Christopher Shaw, anticipating the up-
coming demise of the Nooz, decided to purchase the
firm so that it could publish the line of books he is
planning to write, the first of which, entitled Adrift
in Noozland:  The Story of My Unfortunate Assoc-
iation with the Primate Nooz, was released earlier
this year.  Inside sources at PP&P have informed the
Nooz that his next book, Annals of the Reader's
Digest, is underway and may be released as early as
next June.
(ANA)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  A brief dispatch was
received this morning from the Chudleigh-Lilydale
Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory, where
things have been getting back to normal after that
close call with the big meteor that struck last June near
Conara Junction, only 127 miles from Mole Creek.  The
communication was signed by Drs. Mawbanna
Waddamana and Basil Smith, and stated that they
have conclusively determined that the giant space
primate first observed heading toward the Earth in
December, 1989, is still heading toward Earth, and
there has been absolutely no change in its course or
speed.  Drs. Waddamanna and Smith are studying the
huge space creature with their separate but equal 36"
telescopes, and hope to know more soon.
 
     FRENCH FIDDLER INJURED IN
     PLUMMET OFF POITIERS TOWER
(Agence France)  Poitiers, France.  A French fiddler
monkey was seriously injured yesterday morning in a
dangerous and ill-advised plummet from the top obser-
vation level of the newly-constructed Poitiers Tower,
an exact copy of the Eiffel Tower except that it is twice
as high.  The fiddler attempted to use an umbrella to
brake his plummet, but he struck a palm tree on Level
4, a viewing telescope on Level 3 which fortunately
was not in use, and crashed through the pavilion of
the cafe on Level 2.  No details have been released on
his condition.
Page One    Page Three    Page Four    Home Page