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 TWO-HEADED CHIMPANZEE FOUND IN CHEESEQUAKE BASEMENT!
  
(UPI)  Cheesequake, Arizona.  One of the most pecular events in recent Cheesequake history occurred last weekend when an elderly janitor cleaning the basement of the Municipal Man and Mammal Museum stumbled on a biological oddity of major proportions.  “I didn't know what it was at first,” he commented sourly, “it was back in the corner, behind where they keep the spare lightbulbs and stuffed raccoons.”  The morose janitor, who refused to give his name, but whom Primate Nooz has identified as a high-school dropout and part-time museum employee from Hellmouth named Moseby Entwhistle, described to our reporter the dark, dank, dirty and dingy conditions of the basement.  “I haven't been down there since sometime last September,” he admitted, “so I don't know how long that thing's been there or where it came from.”
         Entwhistle went on to say that he had a difficult time just keeping the main floors of the Museum clean. “There's three floors and the annex,” he pointed out, “now how can I be expected to keep all that clean and the basement too?”  At this point in the interview he seemed close to tears, and our reporter had to assure him that he wasn't being accused of anything.  He finally pulled himself together and went on to say that the Museum would only pay him for ten hours of work per week, and even though he often put in extra hours on his own, sometimes months would pass before he could get back down to the basement.  “There's all kinds of stuff down there,” he said.
        When asked to comment on the quality of Entwhistle's work, the Museum Director, Dr. Hubbard Hinchcliff, declined to answer.  Primate Nooz has subsequently learned that the basement of the Man and Mammal Museum is scheduled to be completely renovated in August of next year, and that Mr. Entwhistle will be placed on an indefinite leave of absence beginning at that time.  How the new basement, or indeed the rest of the Museum, will be cleaned has not yet been decided.
 
PRIMATES OVERRUN SALE AT
LOCAL DEPARTMENT STORE
 

MYSTERIOUS CLEARINGS
FOUND IN BALI-BALI!

(APE)  Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.  Many forest experts
on this green and primate-overloaded Southeast
Asian island have been baffled by the recent
mysterious outbreak of jungle clearings that has
bothered people and interfered with the harvesting
of the Bali-Balinese potato bug.  This cream-colored
insect roughly the size and shape of a Hershey's
Kiss has been a major part of the Bali-Balinese Long
Poh Festival, held annually in February.  The potato
bug is worshipped by people throughout Bali-Bali.
        The circular clearings appear overnight and are
roughly fifty feet across, said Professor Reedy R.
Bascombe of the Singapore Simian Society, who
admitted that he was stumped.  The aging rainforest
authority hypothesized that the clearings might be
the result of Amazon rootrot, brought into Bali-Bali
in shipments of gobo root seedlings for several local
plantations.  Vegetation-free patches of forest have
been showing up in the poison-filled basin of the
ancient, ant-strewn Amazon for at least five years.
        Primate Nooz attempted to contact the tall and
lanky Dutch primatologist Piet Mons Apeldoorn at
his Kualakurun Primate Reserve, where there have
also been reports of such clearings, but he had left
to join the search for missing Professor Mitsuo
Ohhohoho in the green and unruly forests of
northern Bali-Bali. He also hopes to investigate the effects of oilberry beer on the local primates there. Jungle clearings have been sighted all the way from Madagascar to Badongo-Gazimbi to Makokou in Gabon, which are all places where Amazonian gobo root seedlings have recently been imported.  There are as yet no clues as to the cause of this nasty forest blight.
 
  Primate Nooz is published whenever the stock market drops fifty points or more by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa  Rica).  Back issues may occasionally be obtained by writing to:  Primate Nooz, c/o Hellmouth Stock  Exchange and Banana Warehouse, Hellmouth, AZ.  

(AP)  Hellmouth, Arizona.  A sale on electric grooming
combs at Hubbleheimer's 5 and Dime was overrun by
primates on Saturday and the store was forced to
close early to clean up the damage, according to the
Assistant Manager Ricky Spinoza, who told the Nooz
that hordes of both prosimians and anthropoids
descended on the store soon after opening time and
bought out the entire supply of the new personal
battery-operated hygiene devices.  A jumping spider
monkey, two blueblooded tamarins, and a giant mouse
lemur were treated for injuries at the scene, and a
winking martindale had to be admitted to the Horntoad
Valley Memorial Hospital for observation.  More
combs will be available next month.
 

LOUD NOISES SCARE
PRIMATES AT MAKOKOU

(Reuters)  Libreville, Gabon.  A series of loud noises
has been making primates edgy in this part of Africa
for the past several months, and last Friday there was
a noise that frightened even the rumpled galagos,
close cousins of the more familiar stinky galagos, who
are not easily frightened.  Some described it as the
sound of a large object falling into a swamp, while
others said it was more like the eerie sound of the fox-
eared bat, and a few stated that it definitely wasn't like
either of those.
        Bluetails, who are scared of almost any sound in
the forest, were the first to disappear, diving into their
unfortunately sodden burrows.  Very soon, most other
primates were scurrying for cover on account of the
strange noise.  Teddy Bidwell and Robert Louis
MacCown, who were doing a major balloon survey of
Gabonese wildlife at the time, heard the noise but they
didn't know what it was, so they ignored it.  Dr.
Oondóué M. Boué, out searching for any bluetail
monkeys that might be around during a break in the
search for Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, was taking a
nap and slept through it.
        Local witchdoctors and primatologists agreed that
it was probably a meteorological phenomena, but
neither group was able to explain just what kind.  Why
so many primate species reacted in the exact same
manner they did has so far defied any reasonable
explanation.
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