Page Four

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Primate Nooz is pleased to announce that Mr. Chris
Shaw is the winner of our most recent Nooz election for
the former employee we'd most like to have back on our
staff.  Mr. Shaw just nosed out Vijay Ahmadnagar, an
ex-ink spreader who is now the official monkey catcher
for the city of Bhawanipatna, India.  Mr. Shaw has
happily agreed to become our very own West Coast
correspondent and will submit reports to us from time to
time as his busy and important schedule allows.  He will
of course on an ad hoc basis continue to recommend
good reading for anyone who makes such a request of
him, so long as it is worded politely.  All he asks is that
his name not be used in the 'Recommended Reading'
section since he really considers his Reader's Digest
articles to be a form of 'fluff' journalism not worthy of a
respectable 'Recommended Reading' section such as the
Nooz has.  We have passed along his request to Win
Wing Wan, who has promised to honor it.

RECOMMENDED READING:

Win Wing Wan  (1988).  “Parthenogenesis and How To
Tell If You Have It.” New China News Agency Science
Bulletin and Wall Poster
,  268:12-13.  *****

Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus  (1978).  “Going down a
monkey hole with nothing but a Swiss Army knife.”
Unnatural History,  October, pp. 12-119.  *****

Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho  (1986).  My
Life in the Ancient Ant-Strewn Amazon
.  Jesus da Lapa
Bros. Press, Belo Horizonte, Brazil.  *****

Christopher Shaw  (1989).  “Having a lot of time on your
hands can be a tricky business.”  Reader's Digest,
894:27-35.  **

 
ADVERTS

Did you suffer from too much rain this year?  Did
the word 'rainforest' take on a whole new meaning?
Are your habitats flooded, water-logged or even
swampy?  You either need a very large sponge, or
me, or both.  I'll come out and dig drainage ditches
all over your habitat and leave you high and dry in
no time.  Rates by the ditch.  Nick's Ditch Service,
22 Main St., Hellmouth.

Did you suffer from too little rain this year?  Did
the monsoon pass you by?  Are your habitats
tinder dry, brown or scorched?  You either need a
tropical depression, or me, or perhaps both.  I'll
come out and seed the clouds over your habitat
and have you singing in the rain in no time.  Rates
by the cloud or yearly.  Nick's Cloudseeding
Service, 22 Main St., Hellmouth.

Lou's House of Leaves doesn't just have leaves
anymore.  We have all kinds of tropical fruits too,
like acerolas, litchis, mangos and mangosteens,
rambutans, cherimoyas and durians.  Also rattan
nuts in season, oilberries and gobo roots.  Our
chef is a whiz at removing toxins.  Come in and
find out. The first gobo root is always on the
house.

You've probably heard how we renovated and
repaired Sir Horton Measely's hydrogen laser
spotlight.  Well, that's not all we can do.  We can
fix screw pistons, roller rails, hydrographs, weather
buoys, cathode antennas, compression cranes,
disk processors, cylinder levers, pulley shoes,
eight-cycle crankshafts, ion tubes, gear stabilizers,
trimetal vibrators, vapor generators, all kinds of
carbon pulse x-ray devices, large and small wave
magnets, electron switches, high and low
frequency barium lenses, ink spreaders and a lot of
other stuff.  Check us out at Hellmouth Small
Appliance Repair, 2nd and Vine, Hellmouth.

 
 
 Produced as a public service by the friendly folks  down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with  funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon,  the  Matsushita Chopstick Co., Joe's Not So Bad  Cafe,  the Bluetail Foundation, the Cheesequake Monkey  Toss Team, the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian  Primatological Observatory, the Rice Council of East  Malaysia, the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic  Animal Crematorium, the Primate Anti-Vivisection  League, and the National Science  Foundation.
 
©  M. Charters, 1989. Sierra Madre, CA.

Dear Editor,
        Listen, what gives with this Great Apes and Lesser
Primates business?  As one of the so-called 'lesser'
primates, I'd like to know what's so great about those
big apes.  Just because they have more robust canine
teeth, broader premolars, a very broad ilium and a robust
fibula, we're supposed to call them great?  I mean, size
isn't the only criteria that matters.  If it were, bigfoot
would be really great!  So how about it?  Wouldn't it be
better if it were called the Anthropoids, Prosimians and
Tarsiers Dinner?
A. Tarsier

Dear 'A',
        As you know, Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho has
been named the Chairman of the Committee for
organizing this year's dinner, and we are forwarding
your suggestion to him.  Frankly, we think it's nuts.

Dear Editor,
        When I gave my interview to the Nooz, I stated that
Dr. Boué was trying to kill me.  Of course, I was only
speaking metaphorically.  It's my reputation he's trying
to kill.  I mean, just because he writes this big deal article
about some fossorial forest dwellers, why should he get
all the credit?  My name was on that article too.  He acts
like the Makokou Study Area is his own private monkey
preserve. What would you suggest I do?
R.P. Maudlin-Jones

Dear 'R.P.'
        As you know, Dr. Boué will be visiting the Nooz
later this year, and we will hold your provocative letter
for his consideration.  Perhaps you shouldn't be here
when he reads it.  Thanks for writing, but we'd just as
soon not get involved.

 
  Primate Nooz and the Horntoad River Valley County   Greengrocers Association will be sponsoring a monkey   adoption fair 10-5 on Saturday at the Fairgrounds. Bring   two cans of fruit and your driver's license. Rain cancels.   
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