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Page Three
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FROM THE
ARCHIVES.......1941
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NOOZ
OFFICE ROBBED
BY LOCAL BANDIT! by Nooz staffer Roger Montgomery Sykes |
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| It
was hot all day, and the electricity was off in the Hellmouth Chemical
Fruit Exchange Bank, so the fans weren't working. Matilda Boone
had just sat down on the comfortable sofa in the lobby. Clarence
Smiley had just finished making out a deposit slip. Hethel Murtimer
had just resolved a long-standing dispute with the foreclosure department.
And "Little Ed" Bessemon had just mopped his brow. To
all these people who weren't expecting it, there came suddenly the sound
of a banging door and a loud raucous voice telling them to be still. It
was none other than 'Wild Eyes" Wiedman, the wickedest bandit of
them all, and everyone there that day was sure that they would never get
to see another tornado. "Wild Eyes" glared right at everyone, and every- one glared right back, until he told them to quit that glaring. He got the bank manager, Mr. Pruitt Helmsley, to fill up a feed sack with coins and bills, all the while gesticulating with his old .45 in that wild way he had. It was a repeat of when he had robbed the 1st National back in '37 and not unlike the time when he held up the Farmer's Mutual in '39. And just as he had in '37 and again in '39, he slipped out the back through the back door with his feed bag and his old revolver, and disappeared into the sunset. On his way out of town, he decided to stop by the Nooz office for some reason that has never been ex- plained, and before anyone could react in time to stop him, he stole several paperclips and a jar of gumdrops, and was gone like a wraith. Now, three days later, we still have no idea where he went to, or why he wanted those paperclips. |
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Spotlight on...
Rafikistan |
 Bill |
By Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton
Measely
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 The Spotlight |
| Editor's note:
Well, we had a bit of a set-to with the equipment last time when
we tried to illuminate the distant planet of Zarkon, but Mr. Takeshitahara,
who incidentally is a whiz at getting things done, flew in one of
the top spotlight experts in Japan to fix it for us. He worked
on it day and night for three weeks, installing some of the latest gadgets
and state-of-the-art circuitry from the Asian appliance industry,
and we are confident that it is ready to go. One of the things
that has been added is an elec-tronic kill switch to use in the
event it does run wild. Also, the spotlight has been placed behind
a thick fireproof barrier for some added protection. So, without
further ado, let's gingerly press the On button and see what we
can find out about the mysterious and sandy land of far-away Rafikistan. |
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The first thing we see
as the spotlight tightens its 1250° focus is a lot of white. There
seems to be a great deal of white. We can only assume
at this point that the spotlight is aiming at the broad expanse of the
Great Kattakurgan Desert. In among the white are a few gray
smudges which we surmise might be the villages of the Rafikistanis.
As we attempt to adjust the newly-designed focusing ring, some
little dark spots begin to be apparent and we perceive that they
are slowly moving around. Our Rafikistani tour guide who is standing
by, Professor Uzman Shakhrisyabz of the University of Bukhara,
suggests somewhat tentatively that they might be actual Rafikistanis
that we are seeing, probably herding their sheep. There is still
a lot of white, but now we can see larger round dark spots that
must be the entrances to the infamous antimony mines we read about
in our briefing. We wouldn't be surprised if we were
looking at almond and raisin farmers or wool sellers, or caravans of
camels, or something else. We are incredibly excited to be actually
seeing this exotic landscape we have heard so much about. Suddenly
we begin to sense that there are some kind of lines becoming visible,
like rows and rows of cotton and rice, or millet and wheat, and
we have to sit down so that we will not pass out in amaze- Whew, that was a close call! Well, it looks like we'll have to make a few more adjustments, but boy! It was going great there for a while. We were sure learning a lot! What a place that Rafikistan is! Boy! |