Vol. 103, No. 1
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Hellmouth, Arizona
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Jan. 10,
2003
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CLONED WIN WING WAN RETURNS TO PRIMATE NOOZ! |
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It
was on a day much like this one more than thirteen years ago that the
news broke over a Hellmouth that was still very innocent and wide-eyed.
Big Burt the butcher was putting Scandinavian sausage rolls on sale.
Joe's Not-So-Bad Cafe was empty as usual. Car horns and leaf
blowers competed for the attention of passersby on 3rd and Vine Streets,
and a really bad odor was leaking out from the back of the Southwest Arizona
Plastics Factory that had just been built behind the Library. At
9:14am, Bill Farthingdale dropped a load of golf balls which caused several
accidents in Memorial Square. At 11:50am, the Senior Curator of
Lesser Primates at the Man and Mammal Museum discovered that his entire
file on really slow lorises was missing. And exactly at 2:21pm,
the Gorogo Bean Boosters Club of Hellmouth put down a deposit at the Antlered
Animals Lodge Hall to reserve a meeting room for their annual get-together.
But these events were the kinds of things that happened on a daily basis
in the muddy Horntoad River Valley, the kinds of things that hardly even
raised eyebrows, the kinds of things that hardly ever made it into the
pages of the Daily Describer. These events in short were not like
what happened at the offices of the New Primate Nooz this past
Thursday. It was Millicent Minniwell who saw him first and she fainted dead away. Then Nooz resident Big Guy Christopher Shaw, in Hellmouth to publicize his new book, The Planet Zarkon and Its Role in Primate Evolution, almost ran into him on his way to the copy machine. Finally, publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. were interrupted during a strategy session when he stumbled into the boardroom. It was Win Wing Wan, accidentally cryogenically frozen all those many months ago. They stared at him in amazement, then called for some tea and crumpets. Win was always partial to crumpets. We here at the New Nooz are at something of a loss to explain the presence of this formerly frozen member of our staff, except to say that Dr. Dick Doody, at whose hands his temperature was so drastically lowered, claims to have cloned him from a hair he found in the executive washroom. We will keep our readers informed of any new developments, and meanwhile the senior Win, with the help of his 2nd and 3rd eldest sons, will be resuming his old position effective immediately. |
FLEIGLEHAUS
INJURED IN
SAHARA BALLOON CRASH |
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(Desert Weekly)
New Primate Nooz roving reporter and international gadabout Eric Scotmeister Fleigle-haus was seriously injured last Thursday in the crash of a hot-air balloon being piloted by Teddy Bidwell and Robert Louis MacCown. The trio was engaged in a population census of the notoriously reclusive South Sudanese dune monkeys when a sand vulture apparently mistook their balloon for its mate and attempted to have "relations" with it. Sand vultures are famous for the aggressiveness of their "relations" which involve razor-sharp talons and strong beaks, and the balloon's thin mylar material was quickly holed in several places, plunging the vehicle to the desert below where it landed in the middle of the highly secret water celebration of a frenzied group of nomadic Bedouins, who proceeded to shred what was left of it with their scimitars while howling curses in Arabic at foreign interlopers. Bidwell and MacCown managed to talk their way out of trouble due to their fluency in several obscure Arabic languages, but Fleiglehaus had no such luck and was carried kicking and screaming into a nearby tent, where he was forced to eat an entire plate of goat eyeballs. The Bedouin leader then summoned a camel taxi and Fleiglehaus was hoisted unceremoniously aboard, at which time he was transported to a hospital only 287 miles away in Khartoum. Upon arrival, his injuries were listed as a slight strain of the optic nerve and a 1mm tear in the skin of his buttocks. He will remain in recovery for approximately one month, and his future assignments will be held in abeyance until he is completely well again. |