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ANNOUNCEMENTS
The New Primate Nooz is proud and just as
pleased as
a bagful of leprechauns on a hot St. Patrick's Day to be
able to announce that Mr. Christopher Shaw of the
Hollywood Hills, Los Angeles, has been appointed as
Senior Executive Vice-President, with duties ranging
all over this dusty corner of SW Arizona. He has
promised to continue his Really Scientific Letters
column, but has turned over all responsibility for the
controversial 'Recommended Reading' section to a
new face here in Hellmouth, that of Potty Pumphrey,
who comes to us from the British Royal Journal of the
Cercopithecinae, and we are excited to have her with
us. Mr. Shaw hopes that from the high vantage point
of his new position, he will be able to put a stop once
and for all to the continued use of the 'Recommended
Reading' section as a forum for displaying ridiculous
articles supposedly written by Mr. Shaw and designed
to cast him in an idiotic light in front of his wife and
children. We wish him luck!
RECOMMENDED READING:
Hi!
I'm Potty!! I'd like all our
loyal subscribers to read at least
four of the followng choices I have
carefully selected for your special
pleasure and the improvement of
your minds. Which could use it, I
must say. Let me know how you
like them. Ciao........
Watah Al-Qahirah (1979). “Primate Motifs
in Egyptian
Hieroglyphics.” Cairo Monkey Monthly, 5:12-14.
*****
Watah Al-Qahirah (1987). “Seven Egyptian
Primates
and What Happened To Them.” Desert and Wadi
News, 22:39-50. *****
Sir Ian Spotswood Allenby Crofford-Wiggles (1990).
“Rafting as an Explanation of How Primates Crossed
the Irish Sea.” Primates, 31:98-110. *****
Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus (1990). “Monkey
Island
Prison and Why You Should Avoid It.” Prison Reform
Digest, 35:20-26. *****
Sven Svenstavik (1998). “Engelsk översättning
latt
uppslagsord frågor att avlednigar apa lårs jordnöt.”
Jurnal Jeg Et Ske Går Söka Scandinelvsk Primaten,
17(2):46-64. *****
Christopher Shaw (1982). “The application
of convex
isopropic calculus and game theorems to blue-blooded
tamarin plummeting rates at Quiriquiri National Primate
Park, Venezuela.” Biogenetic Mathematics, 1:1-99.
*
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ADVERTS
Need some pipes? How 'bout bulbs? We've
got all
kinds of pipes and all kinds of bulbs. Smoking
pipes, light bulbs, bagpipes, fruit and vegetable
bulbs, glass pipes and pipettes for laboratory work,
thermometer bulbs, pipe cutters, and of course miles
and miles of pipe. Authorized service center for all
your pipe and bulb needs. Open 7 days. Hellmouth
Pipe and Bulb.
We're looking for a few almost comatose elderly
primates to fill up our quota at the Practically Dead
Primates Special Care Center. The rooms that are still
available are not too good, but if you're comatose,
who cares, and why spend the extra money? If
someone in your family is unconscious most of the
time, bring them down to the Practically Dead Pri-
mates Special
Care Center. They might even wake
up long enough to see if they like it. Well, they
might. Call us at 792-0567 or come to any of our
Thursday night get-togethers at 7pm in Annex C.
Free parking and non-alcoholic drinks.
Going out of business sale at Hemple's Appliance
and Small Animal Feed. We've got so many things
you need that we can't believe you're not down
here already. We've got pulse light generators,
optical treads, ellipse boxes, twin pressure cells,
laminating springs, scopic ventilators, flushmount
compression stands, digital incline rollers, and
motion slides both large and small. All that stuff
you needed last winter when that “project” kept
you
out in the garage and away from your wife's cook-
ing. Everything is at least 50% off. Some of these
items may never be seen on sale again, so you
better get them while you can. Hemple's Appliance
and Small Animal Feed, 3rd and Pine St., Hellmouth.
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COPYRIGHT UNIVERSAL PRESS
SYNDICATE. REPRINTED
WITH PERMISSION. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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Produced as a public
service by those wild and wacky salarymen employed at
the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corp., with additional funding
generously provided by the Japanese Bamboo Screen Makers
Union, the East Asia Banzai Baseball League, Sato's
Squid Palace, Japan-TV (home of Japan's newest hit series,
“Sumo Simians”), the Osaka Men's Volunteer
Fire-
fighters Association, the Mt. Sydney Silkworm Society,
the Spring Lotus Blossom Festival of Matsuhira and Fukuoka,
and the Hellmouth Chemical Fruit Exchange Bank.
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© M. Charters, 2002,
Sierra Madre, CA.
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