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NOOZ:
“Hello?”
Caller: “Please hello.”
NOOZ: “Please hello to you too.”
Caller: “Oh yes.”
NOOZ: “We said HELLO!”
Caller: “Yes please.”
NOOZ: “We're waiting....”
Caller: “Yes yes.”
NOOZ: “OK, this has gone far enough. Do
you
have a name?”
Caller: “Poon.”
NOOZ: “We didn't quite get that.”
Caller: “POON.”
NOOZ: “OK, Poon. What's your last name?”
Caller: “Sanddandtundra.”
NOOZ: “You've got to be kidding. Where
do they
keep digging you guys up?”
Caller: “In my case, it was north of Nepal.”
NOOZ: “Oh yeah, we've heard of you. You're
the
guy who sees primates that aren't there.”
Caller: “I have seen giant monkeys. At
least three
feet tall.”
NOOZ: “And you found them, oh let's just take
a
wild guess.... NORTH OF NEPAL?”
Caller: “Oh yes.”
NOOZ: “You know, you have kind of a reputation
for reporting primates that don't exist.”
Caller: “Oh yes.”
NOOZ: “And isn't it true that in school your
instruc-
tors became fearful and your classmates took to
avoiding you?”
Caller: “Oh yes oh yes.”
NOOZ: “Most of the members of your international
team think you're loopy, don't they?”
Caller: “Oh most certainly.”
NOOZ: “So you do you expect us to believe
any-
thing you say?”
Caller: “I have a heart as big as the Punjab.”
NOOZ: “Uh-huh.”
Caller: “And a spirit that stretches from the Kybher
Pass to the Taj Mahal.”
NOOZ: “Come on, were you in your tent?”
Caller: “I was not in my tent, no.”
NOOZ: “Uh-huh.”
Caller: “I have seen them, I have.”
NOOZ: “What kind of a name is Poon anyway?”
Caller: “You people are having no class.”
NOOZ: “Please goodbye.” |
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solitary site where
Santa Rubia Island coral lawn
fountains and chessboards were sculpted and Santa
Rubia Island weed necklaces were woven and Santa
Rubia Island blue termites were crushed, and the one
locality for miles around where Santa Rubia Island
coral crabs struggled to avoid the predatory attacks
of the Santa Rubia Island salty terns.
But all that is gone now.
Santa Rubia Island all
the way to the peak of Santa Rubia Mountain is
under water, and I guess I'll have to find something
else to watch from now on. You kids for instance. I
could watch you. What a good-looking group you
are. And such nice shoes. And may I say that........
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_______________________________________
Editor's note: We apologise for what just went on
here. We didn't know and we're sure sorry. I guess
we didn't do our homework, huh? Obviously we
were taken in by this de la Hoya guy. Certainly
doesn't do a heck of a lot for our new reputation,
does it? Next time we'll try to do a lot better. Don't
tell anybody about this, OK? |
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Editor's note: "WHAT IS...? is
a semi-regular feature
of the Primate Nooz which is aimed
at some of our
younger and more restless readers and in which we
ask various people in the field of primatology to be
brutally honest
with us about their profession. This
issue, in an uncharacteristic
departure from the tried
and true formula we have followed in the
past, and in
deference to the unfortunate sinking of Santa Rubia
Island, we have decided to change the "What Is...?"
feature
to "What Was...?" We are more than blessed
this
time to have with us a man who is very much re-
spected by the majority
of Gorgonzolans, a paleozoo-
grapher who gave the Santa Rubia Island
purple
wannabies their scientific name, and the person who
was single-handedly
responsible for putting the name
'purple wannaby' on the lips of
more people between
Caracador and El Samole than could squeeze into
the
average soccer stadium. Dr. Oscar de la Hoya is the
Chairman
of the Monkey Behavior Department at
Gorgonzola National Technical
University, and the
founder and Director of the Santa Rubia Island
Purple
Wannaby Research Reserve and Shearing Station,
and is widely
acknowledged as someone who knows a
thing or two about the strange
behavior of wild purple
wannabies and sinking islands. So,
without any
further ado, we place you in the more than capable
hands
of Dr. Oscar Simon Bolivar Bolivar-Fuentes de
la Hoya. Please
stand.
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by
Dr. Oscar Simon Bolivar Bolivar Fuentes
de la Hoya
Santa Rubia Island Purple Wannaby Research
Reserve
and Shearing Station
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Greetings
to all of you fine-looking children, and
may I say how smartly you're all dressed. You seem
to get better looking every year. I'm always especially
gratified when I'm asked to speak to a good-looking
bunch of kids like you are. I think that appearance is
so important these days, don't you? By the way, you
can sit down now. Did your mothers and fathers
dress you this morning? They didn't? Well, you all
certainly did a good job, and may I ... What? Alright,
I'll start over.
What was Santa Rubia Island? I
guess that I'm
sure the right person to ask, because I have been
watching Santa Rubia Island through my 10x40s for
over thirty-two years. The porch of my house in
Gorgonzola City looks out across the Santa Rubia
Straits, and I could see the coral sculptors and neck-
lace weavers and snakepod pickers. I watched the
blue termites being crushed and ground during Febru-
ary, and I watched the purple wannabies as they came
down to the beach for their daily sand baths. I got to
know them quite well, and I even gave them names.
Yes, names! But I never had to go over there. I could
watch them right from my porch through the binocu-
lars. I knew which ones were fooling around, and
which ones weren't, and I knew ... WHAT NOW? OK,
OK, I'll try to stick to the subject. OK?
Santa Rubia Island was the jewel
of the Santa
Rubia Straits, the single green spot amidst acres of
blue water, the only place where Santa Rubia Island
pink coconut palms grew almost unfettered, the one |
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