Issue 1IE Page 3

Page Three

1987: The Year in Review

TOP FIFTEEN PRIMATE PICKS

1. “Gorilla My Dreams” by the Monkeys
2. “You Big Ape You” by Loretta
3. “I Tried So Hard, But You Really Made a
Monkey Out of Me” by Rainy Season
4. “You May Be A Bushbaby in the Bush, But You're Just a Baby To Me” by the Prosimians
5. “Monkey Business” by the Jungle Tones
6. “The Organ Grinder Song” by Frank and Dee
7. “I'm Going To Knuckle Walk Right Out On
You” by Koko
8. “Brachiating” by the Alphas
9. “My Range Is Empty Without You” by Papio
and Mommio
10. “You Promised To Be Monogamous, But
You're Just Another Cheat” by the Tropics
11. “Rambutans, Durians and Figs” by Fruits of
Asia
12. “Night Monkey Blues” by A. Otis
13. “Stinkfighting” by the Ringtails
14. “It's A Black and White World” by the Gibbon Sisters
15. “I Can't Sit Around All Day, My Ischial Callosities Are Getting Sore” by the Geladas

ADVERTS

Biological clocks repaired, springwound and
battery. All time zones and seasons. Tool-
using attendants will carefully adjust your every
need. Especially good for those who are forced
to relocate, like to a zoo. Come on down, we're
open 7 days a week. Hellmouth Small Appliance
Repair.

Sometimes wonder where you are? Well,
doggone it, so do we. But we don't let it bother
us because now you can get your territories
professionally surveyed. All ranges can be
mapped and monitored by satellite. Territorial
species will have seminars on border defense.
Never be lost again. “We wish we'd known
about it,” says Leif Englanberg. Box 12, Nooz.

Lou's House of Leaves. “We have all kinds of
leaves, young and mature, upper canopy and
terrestrial, and you can eat them one at a time or
by the bunch. Vines are our specialty.” Well lit
for diurnal and nocturnal species. Sorry, no
more live insects.

If you're like me, you're sick of toxic vegetation,
and even if you're not like me, you might still be
interested in my Acme Plant Toxin Testing Kit.
You'll never have to exceed your toxin limit
again. Kits are available for Southeast Asia, the
ant-strewn Amazon, Equatorial Africa, Central
America, India and Madagascar. Sold exclu-
sively at the low price leader, Hubbleheimer's
Five and Dime in Hellmouth and at the 24-hour
Shopalot right in the Cheesequake Town
Square. Also at the new Leaves for Less in
Runnamuck.

Lonely? Who isn't? Feel like there's nobody in
the forest for you? Nest a bit empty? We've
been there and done that. So come on down
and see us right now! Who are we? We're the
Carbon Dating Service, at the corner of 2nd and
Pine, and we can provide you with escorts of
most species and sub-species. All persuasions
and modes of locomotion are respected here
and can be easily accomodated. But don't
delay, our back room isn't as crowded as it once
was and we don't want you to miss out. Hurry!
The good life can still be yours. Call today, or
tomorrow.

      Well, it was another bad year. Several of our species
went extinct, and a number of others are not far from it. Our
habitats are shrinking, we are being hunted for food and
exploited for medical research by such groups as the Ralph
A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, and grant money to study
us has not exactly been pouring in, but aside from that it
has not been much better.
      1987 came in like a lion as the roaring of hard-headed
Hellmouth policemen could be heard over the protests of
decent citizens during a night raid on the Human Diseases
and Primate Testing Facility in January. The accusations
against this local landmark institution were later recanted,
and the countersuit is still being adjudicated. In early
February, BLUETAIL GUENONS (Cercopithecus
subterraneus) finally received specific recognition through
the tireless efforts of Dr. Oondóué M. Boué, who is
currently back in Gabon, and we thank him. Unfortunately,
Primate Nooz has learned that Dr. Boué has been
unsuccessful in locating a single bluetail since his return to
Makokou, and their very existence is once again being
called into question. We here at the Nooz suspect that his
senile colleague Reginald Pennyworth Maudlin-Jones may
have made off with them. We are going to do everything we
can to see that they are returned to their burrows.
      In March, Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho was sighted just
briefly, purchasing supplies and extra towels in Libreville,
but before he could be contacted, he disappeared down a
dirty monkey-infested alley and has not been heard from
since. He seems to have a habit of disappearing like this,
and we feel that one day it will get him into trouble. The
formerly respected L.A. County Museum of Unnatural
History Primate Department suffered yet another blow in
April when their yearly permit to conduct field research was
withdrawn and was awarded instead to the Brimstone
County, Lousiana, Junior Seminary College and Monkey
Museum. A Gabonese fast food franchise called ROOTZ
opened all across SW Arizona in May, with two drive-
throughs in Hellmouth and one in Cheesequake. To no
one's surprise, gobo roots were the speciality of the house,
fried, baked, boiled or burned. The cook in the Nooz
cafeteria quit to join the new franchise.
      June brought a heat wave to many of our habitats and
we were forced to eat insects. Groups fissioned, and all
grew sleepy in the afternoon. In July, it was announced
that the CERCOPITHECINES cephus and diana would
henceforth be lumped together as diana. There was some
considerable aggressive calling and general taxonomic
unhappiness among the cephus crowd, but it soon died
down. A small war marred the otherwise placid and
uneventful month of August when there was a
misunderstanding between Togo and its large neighbor
Togobogo over the terms of a deal between them
concerning shipments of rare primates to Togo. It was
                                                                     (Cont. on p. 4)

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