Page Two
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THE NOOZ SPEAKS OUT! |
From
the steamy treetops of Borneo and the muddy shrimp lakes of Bali-Bali to
the dangerous vine forests of Gabon and the scarred, eroded, ecologically-ravaged
and ruined countryside of Madagascar, and farther still to the poison-filled
basin of the ancient, ant-strewn Amazon, monkeys, apes, and prosimians,
and a number of tree shrews, are once again peering at humanity with a degree
of unabashed disgruntlement. Another year seems to have come and gone,
and despite our most heroic efforts, primates have sunk even further. Oh
sure, you might say, what about the establishment of the Old Primates Retirement
Home right here in Hellmouth? What about the doubling in the number of ASL-using
apes? What about the setting aside of one hundred prime hectares of
Brazilian rain forest for species that can prove they are endangered, the
publication at long last of the official primate family tree, and the Interspecies
Conference held in Ouagadogou, Upper Volta? What about NASA giving
satellite photo information to primates to help them find ripe fruit, without
charge? What about the controversial choice of a giant mouse lemur
from Togobogo as Time Magazine's 'Animal of the Year?' Sure
you say. But are these things really important? As the highest representatives of the primate world, we here at the Nooz have watched their situation gradually deteriorate and slowly get worse. We have seen the quality of their lives diminish. We have observed their populations decline, their horizons darken, and their hopes drown. We have watched all this and remained silent. Shame on us! Now we feel that it is time to speak out. We are even now planning just what it is that we will say. We don't know yet what it will be, but it should be soon. It will be strongly-worded and hard-hitting, and it won't hold anything back. It will, in a few cases, cause people to actually lose the ability to breathe, in which eventuality oxygen should be administered, or a good slap on the back of the head. When we finally do speak out, it will cause primates to twitch their prehensile tails (if they have them) and wiggle their ischial callosities (again, if they have them). It will be HOT! So be sure not to miss the next few exciting issues of Primate Nooz. Get 'em while they're here, there may not be enough to go around. |
3000-YEAR OLD GORILLA FOUND LIVING IN PEKING ZOO |
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(Reuters) Beijung. A
gorilla has been discovered living in an enclosure at Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo that scientists have declared is at least three thousand years old. The find was announced in the Zoo Times of Beijing and in various wall posters. It's incredible, said Dr. Hai Phu Yuk, Chairman of the Political Zoology Department at Beijing University, but we have dated the RNA profile, and its subcutaneous genal nodes give us a figure of 3,000 to 3,500 years, more or less. The animal appears to be a rare West African white-kneed gorilla. Director Win Wing Wan hailed the discovery. It's even older than me, he chortled. (Cont. on p. 4) |
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ENGLANBERG Cont. from page 1. that as of Monday the pair had not checked in, and so
it is officially presumed that they are lost. The last time they
disappeared, they discovered wierd spitting |