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ANNOUNCEMENTS
Primate Nooz wishes to apologize to its many
readers
for the undue influence in this issue of Dr. Jerry Arch-
bibble. We had originally intended this to be an issue
about the giant space primate heading toward the
Earth, but we made the grievous mistake of inviting Dr.
Archbibble to spend the week with us, and he sort of
took over. We didn't realize until the issue was put
together that he had not had anything else to do since
his firing, and what you see here is the unfortunate
result. We have taken steps to insure that this kind of
thing will not ever recur.
RECOMMENDED READING WITH DR. THRACE
THRASHER, M.D.:
Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1990). From the Director's
Cage.
Spackle, Hutsworth, Tooter and Ryan, Hellmouth.
*****
Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1980). “Mining
with Bluetails in
Frozen Siberia.” New Zoo Magazine, June, pp. 65-67.
*****
Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1985). “City Officials
Are A Lot
Like Poisonous Mushrooms.” Unnatural History,
April, pp. 78-91. *****
Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1988). “Fighting Off Predatory
Municipal Agencies With Both Hands Tied Behind
Our Backs and Still Managing To Be the Best Zoo in
the Hellmouth-Cheesequake-Runnamuck Area.” In
History of Hellmouth, Vol. 19, ed. Rupert Gluzeman,
pp. 421-429. *****
Christopher Shaw (1990). "Trapping Wild
Stinky
Galagos with Dr. Jerry Archbibble: The Experience of
My Life." Reader's Digest, 928:35-39. *
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WHAT IS....?
Cont. from page 3.
port and set-up. Pruner's can even festoon
your
lawn with fake but real-looking gobo roots and
silvervine...
[Alright,
alright!]
The Hellmouth
Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal
Crematorium is just a zoo, OK? We have a lot of
exotic animals, you know? Sometimes they die and
have to be cremated, OK? What else can I tell you?
WELL, WE CERTAINLY HAVE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR LETTING DR. ARCHBIBBLE INTO THE
NOOZ. WE HAD NO IDEA THAT HE WOULD
JUST USE US TO JUSTIFY HIS QUESTIONABLE
ACTIVITIES. HOW COULD WE GUESS THAT HE
WOULD SIMPLY TRY TO FOIST ON YOU A
THINLY-DISGUISED ADVERTISEMENT FOR
PRUNER'S IMITATION TREE FARM? OH WELL,
MAYBE NEXT TIME WE'LL HAVE BETTER LUCK.
DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS,
KIDS.
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Find
the six Lucky Stars in the next
exciting issue of the Nooz and win
$1,000,000.00!!!!!
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ADVERTISEMENTADVERTISEMENT
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How would you like to boost your
energy, improve
your memory and night vision, lengthen your life
span and possibly even reverse the aging process,
increase your enjoyment of plummeting, have as
many mates as you want and prevent mad monkey
disease? Now you can with Monkey Gummies.
Monkey Gummies with Gobo Root Extract comes in
thirteen delicious flavors, and begins to work within
three short weeks. Only $199 for a full six-month
supply. Guaranteed to be effective and safe. But
wait! Call within the next ten minutes and you'll
also receive absolutely free of charge a beautifully-
crafted Monkey Gummy Dispenser to hold your
Monkey Gummies. National Monkey Gummy Co.,
Runnamuck, AZ. Call 1-800-GUMMIES. |
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The
Primate
Nooz©
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Produced
as a public service by the friendly folks down at the
Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with funding provided
by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Nocturnal Primate Society,
Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, the Mad Monkey Disease Support
Center, the Bluetail Foundation, Odd Brothers Primate
Paraphenalia, KNUZ-FM, Vern's Video Village, the Gorgonzola
Gazette, the Jujube Society of Cheesequake, Lou's
Leaves 'N' More, and the Tanzania Department of Parks,
Wildlife and Economic Development. |
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© M. Charters, 1991,
Sierra Madre, CA.
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YEAR IN REVIEW Cont.
from page 3.
'unilateral saltation') is somehow a deviant mode
of
locomotion for primates. “It isn't,” said one Brother
decisively. In early September, Sir Henry Wadston
Peepsworth Pigglesham, O.P.E., the compiler of the
comprehensive and authoritative Pigglesham's Comp-
rehensive and Authoritative Guide to the Mouse
Lemurs, finally expired after a long bout with mad
monkey disease. He apparently contracted the illness
sometime during his 25-year study of the LESSER
DWARF MOUSE LEMUR, or the Pigglesham's lemur
as it is now more commonly known. He was buried in
his home town of High Wycombe, Great Britain.
The primate community was shocked
to learn in
October about the sudden and unanticipated closing
of the Grimms-Finch Primate Research and Rehabili-
tation Centre near Wixmount Abbey in Staffordshire,
Great Britain, which was considered by anthropoids
and prosimians alike to be the research center of
choice for anyone who had to go to one. All primate
“guests” were able to come and go freely, and each
had a 10'x10' “room” equipped with TV, VCR, coffee
maker and wet bar. Also in October, the Mt. Sydney
Ladies Auxiliary Primate Benefit Fund was burgled and
all the donated anthropoid paintings that were to be
auctioned off were vandalized. Town constable Mike
Whippingham put all three of his deputies on the case,
but there are no suspects as of yet.
November dawned hot and hazy
down below the
equator in Mole Creek as workmen proceeded apace to
establish separate but equal 36" telescopes at the
Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological
Observatory for the continuously fussing and fueding
Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith. The
year closed on an alarming note in December as new
figures were published on the high poaching rate of
RUBY-THROATED MACAROONS and the declining
populations of the POT-BELLIED STINKY GALAGO
and the SOUTH MAKANZA MOUNTAIN BROWN
STINKY GALAGO. Toilet claw carvings have lately
become immensely popular in Asia, and a toilet claw in
good condition can fetch anything up to two and a
half Gabonese dollars, thus severely impacting these
two subspecies which have very large toilet claws.
In summary, we can only say
that things are bad
and getting worse, so from all of us here to all of you
out there, we wish you Happy Foraging in 1992.
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