Page Two
       “THE NOOZ GETS
          SOMETHING OFF ITS CHEST!”
       Well, we warned you, didn't we?  Didn't we warn you?  DIDN'T WE??  We didn't?  Well, we should have.  Anyway, we warned somebody.  We don't remember who it was, but one of them had black hair and the other had a limp.  We laid out all the dirt for them to see, and they didn't blink even once.  We gave them a major presentation with slides and all.  We told them about Dr. Archbibble and what we had learned about his past.  The stinky galago incident.  The missing snack stand funds.  His expulsion from the Advisory Board of the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society.  Everything.  They looked at us in disbelief and smiled oddly as though they thought there was something wrong with us.  We reminded them to tell their friends and they promised to, but we doubt they ever did.
      Now that the awful news about Dr. Archbibble has broken over us like a grease-filled balloon, we feel compelled to suggest and not embarrassed to point out that if anyone had listened to us in the first place, none of this would ever have happened.  Looking back on it now, the signs were so clear, the signals so unambiguous, but we were the only ones who noticed them.  No one was looking to the editorial staff of the Nooz for advice on how to solve the problems of the Hellmouth Zoo, nobody was asking us what we thought, nobody cared.  We yearned to be consulted.  After all, we have a certain expertise.  We know a thing or two.  We hungered for their favor, we ached to be treated with some respect, some dignity, some esteem even, but noooo!
      So when some overdressed underlings from the Zoo came to our office in obvious desperation the other day wanting to know who we might recommend as the new director, we turned our backs on them.  We busied ourselves putting away our files, we suddenly had golf dates, we had to clean up that mess in the corner, we refused to speak to them.  But that was wrong too, and we understand that now.  It's all so clear.  Didn't we say it would turn out this way?  Didn't we??  We didn't?  Well, we ought to have.		  
 
 
GIANT SPACE PRIMATE STILL
   HEADING TOWARD THE EARTH
  
 
 
200 Months Ago Today
  

     200 months ago today Dr. Jerry Archbibble of the
Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Cremator-
ium's night keeper staff was awarded the coveted Pin of
Appreciation by the Hellmouth Town Council in a well-
attended ceremony hosted by the Antlered Animals
Lodge Hall, of which he has been a charter member for
approximately four decades.  The award, a small pin
lovingly engraved with the words of the Hellmouth
motto, was in recognition of Dr. Archbibble's work in
designing enclosures for stinky galagos and other
lemuroids, and was presented to him by the Council
President, Mr. Pede Maxwell.  This was only the third
awarding of the Pin of Appreciation in the history of
Hellmouth, the first two having been returned by the
Post Office after failing to locate the awardees.

      200 months ago today was the excavation of the
inaugural hole for the first imitation tree in the United
States at Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm.  The first spade-
ful of soil was removed by Dr. Jerry Archbibble, the
night stinky galago keeper at the Hellmouth Zoo, and
was preserved for posterity in a glass jar which today
sits on a shelf at the Man and Mammal Museum in
Cheesequake. The original jar was tragically broken by
a careless employee in 1991, but much of the soil was
recovered and was later placed in a jar that was very
similar to its predecessor.  That first imitation tree was
soon followed by others, and that was the beginning
of what would eventually become a booming business,
shipping imitation trees all over the United States.

      200 months ago today durian-flavored ice cream
was introduced at Joe's Pretty Good Cafe at the
suggestion of Dr. Jerry Archbibble of the Hellmouth
Zoo.  Even in those days there were a few primates
around Hellmouth, and Joe had just bought the cafe
and really needed the business.  That was when things
started to go downhill for Joe.  Customers began drift-
ing away, and there was a stain he couldn't get off the
bottom of the coffeepot.  He dropped durian ice cream
the following spring and then changed the name of his
establishment to Joe's Not So Bad Cafe, but things
were never quite the same after that
(OANA)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  That giant space
primate which has been heading toward the Earth
for the last few issues is still heading toward the
Earth, experts say.  There has been absolutely
no deviation in its heading or velocity since it was
first detected, and its present course is bringing it
every day inexorably closer and closer.
      This startling news was revealed today in twin
tersely-worded announcements from the press
office at Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian
Primatological Observatory, where for the past
several months Drs. Mawbanna Waddaman and
Basil Smith have been scanning their surroundings
through separate but equally-powerful 36" tele-
scopes.  There is still no word as to the taxa of the
enormous space-dwelling simian, and this question
has been at the very heart of many quarrels even
more bitter and rancorous than those which have
been commonplace between this pair of normally
irascible scientists.
      Mole Creek's Mayor, Spencer Wooleroo, said
recently that he is keeping a sharp eye on the
matter and will keep the public informed.  Mean-
while, he has gone on a walkabout in the outback.
 

ARCHBIBBLE FIRED Cont. from page 1.

leaves and surrounded by a border of twisted gobo
roots, hung dispiritedly at half mast, and keepers
wandered listlessly hither and thither.
      Dr. Archbibble only became zoo director in the
fall of 1989, after the previous director retired, but
he has been associated with the Municipal Zoo
and Exotic Animal Crematorium since its founding
some twenty-two and a half years ago, in positions
as varied as ungulate feed hay inspector, acting
snack stand coordinator, assistant vice-president
in charge of refunds, apprentice ash sifter, chief of
the wheelbarrow maintenance division, stinky
galago keeper, tour guide and docent chairman.
There has been no word yet as to a possible re-
placement.
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