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ANNOUNCEMENTS
Primate Nooz is pleased to announce that in the
tiny,
spruce-covered and impossibly remote village of
Krasnoslobodsky, deeply nestled in the heart of
beautiful western Azerbaijan and far from the rudely-
prying electronic eyes of US satellites, heroic Russian
scientists have finally achieved something they have
been struggling for since the long-ago days of Peter the
Great. The feat was finally accomplished by Professor
Arzamas Kuybyshev of the USSR Academy of Prima-
tology at Minsk, one of the Soviet Union's foremost
experts in genetic engineering, after decades of heart-
breaking experimentation on great apes and lesser
primates.
Removed were the heart, lungs,
liver, gall bladder,
pancreas, salivary glands, esophagus, small and large
intestines, stomach, bile ducts, kidneys, adrenal glands,
eyes, ears, spinal cord, larynx, pharynx and brain.
Assisting Dr. Kuybyshev's operating team in the 29-
hour medical marathon was our own Dr. Dick Dick
Doody of the Human Diseases and Primate Testing
Facility, who flew from Hellmouth to Krasnoslobodsky
last week with West Coast Correspondent and Really
Scientific Letters Editor Mr. Christopher Shaw.
The New East Siberia Patriotic
Endeavor Uranium
Complex No. 3 near Ubsk will be the ultimate destination
for this new bioprimatic unit, whose designation is
130218. The life span and lifting force have not yet been
absolutely calculated.
RECOMMENDED READING BY DR. THRACE
THRASHER, M.D.:
Pavel Bublev (1954). This Is Pavel Bublev, Reporting.
Kriska, Stupoff, Valentin and Boyarsky, Novgorod.
*****
Pavel Bublev (1990). Monkey Business:
A Lifetime in
Soviet Primatology. Red Victory Publishing Farm Press,
Pomsk. *****
Pavel Bublev (1959). "On Foot Across
Braty-
Bublinsk." Journal of the Mad Monk Society, 1:1-22.
*****
Pavel Bublev (1975). "Primatology
Under the Rule of
the Romanovs." Natura, 27:43-73. *****
Butynski, Fyodor (1985). How We Handle Monkey
Problem in Soviet Union. USSR Academy of Primato-
logy, Minsk. *****
Gen. Pyotr Alexandrovich Krapov (1989). Pavel
Bublev
and the Founding of the Malagasy Extinct Lemur
Society. Karamazov and Brothers, Leningrad. *****
Christopher Shaw (1990). "Traveling
to Krasnoslobod-
sky and Back Can Be a Tricky Business." Reader's
Digest, 925:49-54. *
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Leaves 'R' Us in the Square at Muggley's Main
Street Mall, Cheesequake, having a pre-Christmas
50% off everything sale. We can satisfy all your
leaf needs, from raffia palms to giant water lilies.
We have Mexican asparagus, gorogo beans,
silvervine and thistleroot, as well as other difficult-
to-obtain items. Both simple and compound
leaves available, pinnate and palmate, detoxified
and mature. We even have Bornean dung locust
leaves, which are possibly the most disagreeable
leaves ever located and very rare, so get them now
before the price goes up again. When you think
of leaves, think of us. We're Leaves 'R' Us. Come
on down.
Forests on the decline? Trees not as
plentiful as
they used to be? Monkey habitats scarce?
Tourist dollars drying up? Sick of all these
questions? We can cover your country with
synthetic trees that look just like the real thing,
especially from a distance, and aren't too heavy.
Can be moved from one location to another for
special tours. All trees easily telescope for con-
venient transport. Free brochures on request by
writing to: Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, Suite
2099, Beazleton Building, Hellmouth, AZ.
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NOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICE
----------------------------------------------------
Dr. Fyodor Butynski will be making an appearance
in Hellmouth sometime next year. Current plans
are for him to speak at the Old Primates Home and
at Holy Friends Hall. Dr. Butynski's association
with Hellmouth goes back a long way. He was a
student at Sigsbee Junior Night College, and
worked as a docent at the Municipal Zoo and
Exotic Animal Crematorium. Read future issues of
the Nooz for details or call our Public Events
Office.
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Produced
as a public service by the friendly folks down at the
Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, with funding provided
by Georgia Pacific Gabon, Piet's Primate Summer Camp,
the Moscow Monkey Circus, the Equatorial Fruit Toxins
Institute, the Cheesequake Chess and Checker Club, the
Bluetail Foundation, Al's Pharmaceuticals, Hellmouth Hardware
Store, Ted's Primate Exports, the French National Monkey
Academy Precision Flag Plummeting Team, and the Malagasy
Extinct Lemur Society. |
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© M. Charters, 1990,
Sierra Madre, CA.
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ADVERTS
Are your primate populations going down? Simians
getting scarce all of a sudden? Tourism off? Think it
has something to do with the ozone hole? Well, it
doesn't, but if you're a medium-sized country without
too much foreign debt, you might be able to afford our
new line of fully-automated robot monkeys. Can be
factory programmed for folivory, frugivory, or insect-
ivory. Solitary or gregarious lifestyles, dominant or
subordinate positions, and six different modes of loco-
motion. Loaded with all of the latest features including
a vocal apparatus capable of 273 separate calls. Optional
remotes, and they're indistinguishable from the real
thing. Write for estimates to: Animal Analogues, P.O.
Box 85, Hellmouth, AZ, or call 1-800- MONKEYS. Now
you can fill whatever forests you might have remaining
with our astonishingly lifelike and surprisingly inexpen-
sive mechanical replicas. Affiliated with Hellmouth
Small Appliance Repair. Don't wait. Do it today, or
maybe tomorrow.
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