Page Two
        “AN EXPLANATION”
       Now that the election is over and Mayor Frank Pruner has happily been returned to office, we feel that no harm can come from revealing to you the truth about our whereabouts over the past several months. It is no doubt apparent to you that there has been no issue of the Nooz for some time, and rumors have unfortunately begun to circulate that we had been shut down by the government or gone bankrupt or something.  Well, we are pleased to be able to lay those rumors to rest. The fact is that the entire Primate Nooz staff secretly flew over in October to Hellmouth's beautiful sister city in the USSR, Braty-Bublinsk, under the auspices of a United Nations exchange program with the Russian national primatology newspaper Primatsiya Primatsiya.  Our goal was to visit the Lenin Monkey Institute and participate in some seminars at the 44th Universal Primate Symposium and Hunting Show in nearby Novgorod, but the major part of our trip was an unparalleled opportunity to observe the competent and sometimes sober workers of this great Euro-Asian publishing conglomerate, which really makes the Nooz look pretty sick!
      So, we plodded along them behind them like innocent dunderheads, but all the time we were eyeing their every move.  We noticed the terrific advances they have made in the field of primatology news- papers, and we were inwardly envious of their shiny new equipment, which could only have come from Lithuania.  We learned how their veteran reporters would have covered such stories as last year's discovery of the strawberry pine lemur or the recent decline in the number of Australian pouched langurs living in the basements of people's houses.  We were with them each step of the way as they shaped and crafted and polished their newspaper, doggedly yet lovingly, as a mailman will often reach down and pat his pet spaniel on the head before leaving for work.
      We came back to Hellmouth full of ideas on how to improve the Nooz, and this issue is the result, carefully modelled on the long Slavic tradition of primate newspapers, incorporating many of the new concepts and philosphies we picked up over there, and written in the manner of that great Ukrainian primatology correspondent Pavel Bublev.  We were able to snoop around and get some good stories while they weren't looking, and we have tried to give our little journal some of the flavor of its large cousin Primatsiya Primatsiya.  We are sure you will appreciate the advances we have been able to make in just one issue, and we promise that there will be more to come. Meanwhile, as they say in Russia, "So long as the government is not for you looking, is it a good year!"		  
 

TIME-TRAVELING PRIMATES Cont. from page 1.

city's late edition newspapers the night before last.
“These wierd creatures are definitely not from our
time,” said one knowledgeable Soviet expert.
      Mr. Plotkin made appearances both yesterday and
today on “Let's Cook with Cabbage,”  “the Sasha
Bobov Show,”  “Dateline Braty-Bublinsk,” and “It's
All in the Stars with Evgenii Plubin,” and was inter-
viewed by an Armenian talk radio host and by the
Russian national primatology newspaper Primatsiya
Primatsiya, giving rise to widespread speculation that
he might have made the whole thing up for publicity
reasons.  Patrons at the Boar and Mink stated that
Mr. Plotkin was quite soused when he left the bar.
      Since then there have been approximately six
hundred and fifty-seven confirmed sightings of time-
traveling primates, along with two thousand and two
others that were questionable, eight thousand one
hundred and twenty that were honest mistakes, four
thousand eight hundred and seventy that turned out
to be clearly fraudulent, and one thousand five hun-
dred and ninety-one that are still under investigation.
This only includes those sightings from the immedi-
ate Braty-Bublinsk area.

 
DINING OUT WITH MISHA
           “Once again hallo my dear, hungry friends. Yes, that's right, it's me, your old companion Misha.  You are remembering probably how I did use to give you the good advice within regard to all best places to eat so as to get as possible a decent meal.  And perhaps I would ask for an often donation so to help with me for going to restaurants so much as to write these reviews you are liking.  Please, hungry friends, to accept me back and be reading again “Dining Out with Misha.”  Here are samples of Coming reviews of restaurants in the Braty-Bublinsk region:
          Anton's Land of Pizza:  Anton has give you the square pizza, and never will stiffs you out with extra cheese.  All that cabbage to eat for you.  Also and cabbage soup.
          The Beet & Potato:  At least of two specialty items on menu everydays, and they are beets and potatoes.  Is plenty of cabbage.  Plus, the cabbage soup!
          Moldavia Cooked Chicken:  The bread is in staleness, vegetables are the watery, always out of beverage, but they also have a great cabbage bar. Also cabbage muffins on Thursdays.
          Goodbye dear, hungry friends from Misha. See you the next time arounding town, and don't forget a kopeck or two for Misha.”		  
    Please report all sightings of time-traveling
    primates to:  Primatsiya Primatsiya, Box 12,
    Braty-Bublinsk, USSR.
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