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| By Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton
Measely |
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Editor's
note: Last time we had some quite serious
problems with the spotlight, but with the help of the
Arizona National Guard and Hellmouth Hardware
Store, we were able to get it under control. We
have
had several months of weekends now to work on the
problem, and we believe it has been corrected. As
a
precaution only, we are requesting all Nooz staff
personnel to stay behind the yellow lines between 7
and 8pm on Friday. An insurance adjuster and a
paramedic will be standing by. OK, goggles on, and
here we go. |
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[ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! POP! ZZZZZZZT! CRACKLE!]
Hi! Bill [ZZZZZT!] Measely
here, son of the late and
famous [POP!] Sir Horton Measely, inventor and former
owner of the hydrogen laser spotlight, which I, his son
and [ZZZZZT!] heir, now own. We have a really tough
job this time, illuminating for our many [ZZZZZZZZZZT!]
readers the odd and insular island of Madagascar. As the
spotlight [POP!] warms up and begins casting its 1250°
beams in the general direction of Madagascar, we keep a
firm grip on the control wheel. One glance is [ZZZZZZT!]
enough to notice the scarred, eroded, ecologically ravaged
and ruined landscape. It is impossible not to observe
the
pitifully few [POP! ZZT!] prosimians who have managed to
cling to a precarious existence despite the almost total
destruction of their homes and habitats. [ZZZZZZZZZT!]
[Adjustments being made.]
Madagascar is an African
country made up on many
small islands with one large island nearby. Just about
everything lives on the large island, so there's not much
point talking about the small islands, besides which, being
smaller they can tolerate the heat of the spotlight less
readily. The large island is shaped like a potato, or
to be
more specific, the kind of potato that might be grown at
about 6000' elevation in the highlands of Kenya. Broader
at one end than the other, a bulge protrudes capriciously
from the east side, and... [ZZZZZT! POP!]
[Adjustments being made.]
The people of Madagascar
are a motley bunch. From
east and west they came thirsting for open land and ripe
fruit. Famed Norwegian monkey scholar Dr. Rolf Sigurd
Vanhammerfest has documented a direct link between the
carved wooden artifacts of Madagascar and those of, for
instance, Bali-Bali. [ZZZZZZZZZT! POP!]
[Adjustments.]
Rice statues and.... [ZZZZZZZZT!
CRACKLE!]
[Adjustments.]
.....vegetables are grown
in some areas.... [POP! POP!]
.....many species of lemuroids that leap from .... [ZZZZZT!]
.....thatched roofs .... [ZZZZZT!] ......sisal and kuru nuts
....
[POP! ZZZZZZZT! CRACKLE!]
[Adjustments.]
[Adjustments.]
[Adjustments.]
At this point, the spotlight
was turned off and it was
decided that it wasn't ready yet after all, so it is back to
Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair. Thank goodness it's
still under warranty. Next time, Spotlight on ??] |
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Due
to the untimely and regrettable apprehending of
Mr. Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus in South Africa, it is
unclear at this point just when his “Report from
the
Field” will be able to resume. Primate Nooz
wishes to
state that Mr. Fleiglehaus was not on an authorized
trip and we disavow any knowledge of his activities.
His car has been placed in impound. |
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NOOZ: “Hello?”
Caller: “Helloo.”
NOOZ: “Hello?”
Caller: “Helloo?”
NOOZ: “Who's calling please”?
Caller: “It is I, Piet.”
NOOZ: “Aye Peeyet?”
Caller: “No no, my name, it is Piet.”
NOOZ: “We don't know any Piets. What's the
rest of your name and where the hell are you
from anyway?”
Caller: “ I am Piet Mons Apeldoorn, the tall and
lanky Dutch primatologist who studies tarsiers
on Borneo.”
NOOZ: “Fascinating. What do you want?”
Caller: “ I just wanted to say a small word in
defense of of my friend, the eccentric but
serious-minded Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho.”
NOOZ: “ Look, 500 people are calling in every
day with stories of things he's pulled. Let's face
it, he's guilty.”
Caller: “But there might have been extenuating
circumstances.”
NOOZ: “Uh-huh.”
Caller: “No, really. Do you have any idea what
jungle fever can do?”
NOOZ: “We know all about jungle fever, and
we'd say that you might have a touch of it your-
self.”
Caller: “ That's neither here nor there.”
NOOZ: “Aren't you the one who gives beer to the
monkeys?”
Caller: “I have been known to offer them a drop or two,
purely for experimental purposes.”
NOOZ: “And you have the nerve to call yourself a
primatologist.”
Caller: “Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I for one
believe him when he says he was lost all that time.”
NOOZ: “Well, we don't, and we're happy to say
the Nooz editorial board doesn't either. Thanks
for the call.”
Caller: “They don't know everything.”
NOOZ: “Uh-huh.”
Caller: “What have you got against him anyway?”
NOOZ: “Go back to Borneo, and lay off the
oilberry beer.” |
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FACE ON MARS Cont.
from page 1.
could just as easily have been called the Face of
the Short-Eared Serval. The sighting of meerkat
faces was later shown to be the result of some
atmospheric distortion, while the spectacled
bear was clearly a fraud. Seeing animal faces on
the surface of Mars has in fact been a fairly
common phenomena of our new telescopic age,
and many of these still remain stubbornly un-
explained.
And so this latest observation,
of a primate
face this time, and coming as it does at a time
when all hominoids are being put in a position
of having to reevaluate their situations, has
caused many of those people who regularly
read World Weekly, The World This Week,
Weekly World and PRIMATE LIFE to rethink
their whole genetic heritage. The surface of
Mars appears to be covered with massive stony
representations of very familiar animal faces,
and it really makes one stop and wonder just
what they're doing there.
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