Page Two
        “THE NOOZ EXPRESSES
                 ITS DISAPPROVAL!”
        For years now, Primate Nooz has been cruising along quite adequately, treading a worn path, following a tried and true routine, using a well-tested mix of international, national and local news items and such features as “Spotlight on the World,” “What Is...?,” “Report from the Field,” “The News Behind the News,” “200 Months Ago Today,” and “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner,” all in a format of four pages.  In fact, the basic design of the Nooz has not changed since the turbulent era of publisher Frankie T. Crankstrom and executive editor Larry Harry Morble in the 1950's when every issue was redesigned entirely from the masthead to the acknowledgements.  Suddenly, in the last issue, publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr., without warning, decided to listen to the advice of West Coast correspondent Chris Shaw and try something new. They redesigned the Primate Nooz masthead.  They put in horoscopes!  And they tried that idiotic 'Recommended Reading' letters feature by the eldest son of Win Wing Wan, which just didn't work.
      They basically went for the tabloid look.  The whole tone of the Nooz became rather silly, we felt.  “Cold Snap Hits Borneo,” indeed!  “Announcements and Rumors?”  “Two-Headed Chimpanzee Found in Cheesequake Basement??”  “Giant Space Primate Heading Toward Earth???”  Come on!  We resisted their stupid plans as far as we were able.  We thought they were wrong and said so.  We stood up and shouted.  We fired memos back and forth like missile salvos. We fought them head to head, toe to toe, tooth and nail.  We wrote an editorial about it, but they dropped it.  We tried to publish an open letter, but they tore it up.  We grumbled and they glared, but we thought that our points had been well taken because this issue was pretty much back to normal.  We thought we might have won the day, but little did we know that they were even then plotting to expand the Nooz to six pages, planning to pad our serious material with the sort of moronic fluff that we deplore in other publications like PRIMATE LIFE, and counting on our basic good nature to allow them to get away with it.  We told them that we would fight again, we told them that we would not be silent, we told them that we would not be intimidated, and they told us to leave their offices.  We slammed the door on the way out.
      So, we don't know where we'll be when the next issue comes out, but at least we will have expressed our opinion and that of a good many others in a forceful and dignified way.  We will have said what we believe and to hell with the consequences.  If you are reading this, it will mean that we have succeeded in our plan to kidnap publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. and hold them in the supply room until this editorial is printed.  Good luck to us!		  
 
 
CHIMPANZEE LAUNCHED IN 1962
IS STILL CIRCLING THE EARTH
  
 

      Although an international search team led by
Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho and
including Dr. Oondóué M. Boué, the tall and lanky
Dutch primatologist Piet Mons Apeldoorn, and the
redoubtable Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus, has been
concentrating its efforts to find missing Professor
Mitsuo Ohhohoho in the green and unruly forests of
northern Bali-Bali, rumors are circulating that he has
been sighted on the island of Tasmania, arousing
some suspicions that he is not really lost at all, but
may have instead been merely playing an elaborate
game.  The Nooz has learned that he tried something
similar in 1972, pretending to disappear in order to
create publicity for his book The Professor Mitsuo
Ohhohoho Primate Identification Book and African
Jungle Survival Guide.  His publisher has not been
able to shed any light on the situation.

      A well-known amateur paleontologist from the
Page Museum in Los Angeles has been visiting the
nationally heard-of Hellmouth Tar Pit, where she is
helping to excavate the remains of several giant cave
mice from the tarry mass of Ice Age bones.  Ms.
Bobby Rivera-Santos graduated ten years ago from
Sigsbee Junior Night College and was instrumental in
establishing the Arizona Sabertooth Rattlesnake
Association.  She is an acknowledged expert on the
fossils of the class of animals characterized by long
saberlike canines, including the dwarf sabertooth
rattlesnake, the sabertooth mountain elk, the striped
sabertooth badger, and of course the sabertooth
tiger.  Although the giant cave mouse did not have
saberlike canines, it was the preferred prey of several
saber-bearing animals, and wherever cave mice are
found, these other creatures may be found also.
(UPI)  Houston, TX.  The four-year old female giant
pygmy chimpanzee who was launched into orbit in
1962 is still alove and circling the Earth, according to
sources at NASA.  She was originally expected to be
in space for only a week, yet she has apparently been
able to survive for over twenty-seven years!  The
engineers and scientists at the Johnson Space Center
are at a loss to explain just how she has managed to
accomplish this feat, since they have had no contact
with her at all for twenty-six years, eleven months and
two weeks, which was when the capsule's telemetry
went dead.  “She should be out of oxygen by now,”
said one technician who chose to remain anonymous.
      The space-travelling ape has twice been on the
cover of PRIMATE LIFE and was the subject of a
special stamp issued by the French Postal Service in
1973.  Two years later, an international organization
was formed called Keep Pongids Out Of Space, with
headquarters located in Libreville, Gabon, which has
been attempting unsuccessfully to determine her fate
ever since.
      The plucky chimp was fired into orbit aboard an
Atlas-Centaur rocket, and immediately captured the
attention of the world by giggling hysterically over
the intercom.  A contest among America's elementary
schools to pick a name for her was won by third-
graders at Frumpton-Lacksdale School in Hellmouth who chose the name Giggles. The winning students
were invited to Houston to visit the Space Center and
meet Giggles when she returned, but when the auto
retrofire system failed, it was decided to just leave her
there and see what happened.  The then-third graders
have been waiting in Houston ever since, a fact that
many of their parents have been complaining about
for months.
        Asked how they can be so sure that Giggles is
still alive, puckish NASA spokesperson Brandon
O'Keefe Mulligatawny stated, “Oh, it's just a feeling, I
guess.”
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