Page Two
   “THE NOOZ PUTS
             ITS FOOT DOWN!”
            
This time we're really irked!  No, I mean it!  I know we've said it before that we were peeved, but now we're more than peeved.  We're cross, we're crabby, we're cranky, and we don't care who knows it.  Why?  Because once again the horrible specter of illicit and underhanded corporate maneuvering has raised its ugly, misshapen head, and once again the name of the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation has figured prominently in the rumors that are flying around the Nooz offices like panicked plovers. Does it seem unreasonable that we should fear our very parent company? Does it seem absurd that we should worry about the security of our jobs? Does it seem ridiculous that we should dither and dudder in alarm at the prospect of the Nooz being dismantled and dissolved?  Does it?  We are after all a world-renowned primate journal.
          But now that this fleet of modern-day pirates has taken over the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility, and at the same time has its eye on the Hellmouth Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center, is it possible that they view the Nooz as a dangerous and expendable obstacle to be removed from their path?  After all, the Nooz has spoken strongly about the irresponsibility of the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  We are not like PRIMATE LIFE, for example, which from the safety of its location in Cheesequake on the other side of the muddy Horntoad River is free to praise the HHD&PTF.  This may also help to explain why PRIMATE LIFE, our sister publication and fellow Teasdale creation, has turned against us with such vehemence and venom.
          But now an even more awful possibility has been suggested, that somewhere in the shadows behind or above the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation there lurks a huge and malevolent multinational cartel pulling its strings and focusing their beady red eyes on nothing less than the Nooz itself!!  In the past few weeks, strangers have been noticed around town, loitering near the High School, at Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair, and in Joe's Not So Bad Cafe.  Last Monday, a mysteriously-large account was anonymously established at the 1st National Bank of Hellmouth, and someone rented the room over Gratiano Brothers' Meat Market on 2nd Ave. These may be indications that the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation is not the independent entity we all thought it was, or they may mean nothing at all.
          We guess we'll have to keep our hands over our back pockets, leave our watch chains at home, and glance over our shoulders every once in a while until things settle down and become a bit clearer.  In the meantime, Primate Nooz would like to take this opportunity to wish all of its readers and employees a very happy Allomother's Day.
  
 

MISSING BLUETAILS Cont. from page 1.

response.
        Moments later, as he was hammering on the plexiglass window, there was a lurch, and the plane began moving again.  Gradually it grew light outside and the ocean became visible once more far below.  A flight attendent appeared in the aisle and asked him to buckle his seatbelt.  In fifteen minutes he and the other passengers were disembarking in Florida.  Although Dr. Boué tried desperately to question his companions about the experience, they did not seem to be interested and shied away from him.
        In possible corroboration of Dr. Boué's strange tale, it is a fact that one of his fellow travellers, a Mr. Fesick T. Rosedale of Topeka, Kansas, was later overheard to say, “Damn peculiar flight!”  The Nooz is aware of the pressure that Dr. Boué has been under lately and we are still not sure whether he dreamed the whole thing up or not, but some of the editors felt that we had a responsibility to report such an amazing story to our readers so that they could judge for themselves. We kindly ask that you respond to the short questionaire below and send it to us as soon as possible.

  
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PRIMATE NOOZ FEELS PINCH OF
FINANCIAL AUSTERITY AS HOSTILE TAKEOVER RUMORS ABOUND!!!  It was overheard at a certain high level treetop gathering that the Gibbon Brothers may be brachiatig into a position to attempt a hostile takeover of Lemur Leafmold, Ltd.  Many primates have for long suspected the limber fore-limbed Gibbon Bros. of reaching out for a new acquisition after their recent failure to hold on to the Mangabey Mock Mango business.  A simian source who wished to remain anonymous at LLL suggested that it would seek a white knight to rescue them such as South Indri Enterprises, known to be the biggest prosimian firm with close ties to LLL. Lemur Leafmold has been in trouble since January when aye-aye-ayes in several financial districts became sickened by some of their products.  Last year, South Indri came to the aid of Sifakair, when that high-flying organization was threatened with grounding by the Fauna Arboreal Authority (FAA) due to weak finances and numerous maintenance difficulties. ROOTZ Int'l has spread its monetary tentacles into the North American fast food industry and my sources say may soon introduce a new franchise called FROOTZ into the popular SW Arizona market. How this will affect the Nooz's uncertain financial position is unclear at this time.  We will try as we always do to keep our readers abreast of the changing situation.
                                        ---J. Thaxton Krunk
 
There will be no issue of the Primate Nooz next week due to the miner's strike.           ---Editor
 

OFFICIAL BOUÉ BERMUDA TRIANGLE POLL

   “Yes, I believe Dr. Boué's account of finding bluetails in the Bermuda Triangle.”

   “No, I don't believe Dr. Boué and frankly I think he's probably insane.”

   “I don't know what to believe but I will certainly not fly on Gabon Airways when travelling overseas, and I may also avoid the Tampa airport.”

   Please mail to: Primate Nooz, Boué Bermuda Triangle Poll Department, Hellmouth, Arizona.
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