Vol. 88,  No. 8
Hellmouth, Arizona
Apr. 10, 1988
  SPIRIT OF MEASELY TAKES
  CONTROL OF SPOTLIGHT!
          
What just might have been the spirit of Sir Horton Measely, inventor of the world's first hydrogen laser spotlight and father of Bill Measely, almost seemed for a few seconds on Tuesday afternoon to take command of the hot spotlight when no one was looking.  Sir Horton's ghost could conceivably have been in charge when the spotlight mysteriously turned itself on and sent out a 1250° beam which started a small series of forest fires in East Borneo, where it was aimed for its next feature.  It is barely possible that the specter of Sir Horton had its finger on the power button when the spotlight swung around without warning and burned several sub-technicians severely. Perhaps the Nooz building is haunted by the disembodied essence of the spotlight's former owner.  Or perhaps not.
          Before we could regain control of the errant apparatus, it had caused quite a commotion in the Nooz offices, scorching the desks of publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. and incinerating a large stack of irreplaceable old Primate Nooz's from the 40's and 50's.  For the next few issues, you will probably still notice the lingering effects of this malevolent phantom, although we have done our best to clean up the mess and repair the damage.  Our column “200 Months Ago Today” was badly charred and a number of articles being prepared for this edition had to be completely scrapped.  Whether it was Sir Horton or not, we can only suggest that such things as this are bound to happen from time to time when pushing the envelope of publishing technology as we are here in Hellmouth.  Please bear with us until we can restore the Nooz to its former greatness.
 

  NEW THEORY PUBLISHED ON
  PRIMATE LINE OF DESCENT

      In a paper presented last weekend to the Warsaw Natural History Association, the eminent Dean of Polish primatology Dr. Miedzyrzecz von Czechowice-Dziedzice proposed an entirely new and revolutionary concept of the primate line of descent, from the most primitive prosimian to modern Homo. Using clear and concise terminology, the well-known monkey researcher and academician emphasized our close kinship with such primate species as the giant mouse lemur and the great horned gibbon.
      Dr. von Czechowice-Dziedzice, who is from the city of Sosnowiec-Walbrzch-on-Leszno and is Visiting Professor of Primate Pathology at Budgoszcz University, praised the tremendous contributions of his assistants Mazowiecki Mazowiecka and Choszczno Koscierzyna in helping him to calibrate correctly the genetic and taxonomic affiliations of approximately 1,700 primate fossils.  He also expressed his deep gratitude to his assistants' assistants Bielawa Klodzko, Jablonec Kluczbork, Ostrow Bielsk, Starachowice Wola, Zamosc Lubelski, Dzierzoniow Prudnik and Radom Brodnica, and to the assistants of his assistants' assistants Bartsyce Gizcko, Tychy Swidnik, Pila Tomaszow, Swiebodzin
                                              (Cont. on page 2)

  

          FIVE FIDDLERS FRAMED
              IN FAKE FIG FIASCO

(UPI)  Foix, France.  The five French fiddler monkeys faulted on Friday in the fake fig fiasco have been freed for further factfinding.  The furtive fiddlers were followed all the way from Fourchambault to Fontainebleau and from Falaise to Fourmies before they were found fat and full of figs on a fruit farm not far from Fougeres.  The five were forcibly ferried to Foix to face the fury of their fellow frugivores, but the flagrant and flawed falsehoods filed against them favored the fivesome, and the fatigued fiddlers finally fled.
   
Primate Nooz is published as often as legal constraints allow by the Ralph. A Bennett Teasdale Corp., Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America.  Back issues may be obtained by writing to: Primate Nooz, County Lockup, Hellmouth, AZ.
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