Nooz19D

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Primate Nooz wishes to apologize to its many readersfor the undue influence in this issue of Dr. Jerry Archbibble. We had originally intended this to be an issue about the giant space primate heading toward the Earth, but we made the mistake of inviting Dr. Archbibble to spend the week with us, and he sort of took over. We
didn't realize until the issue was put together that he had not had anything else to do since his firing, and what you see here is the unfortunate result. We have taken steps to insure that this kind of thing will not recur.

RECOMMENDED READING WITH DR. THRACE THRASHER, M.D.:

Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1990). From the Director's Cage. Spackle, Hutsworth, Tooter and Ryan, Hellmouth. *****

Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1980). “Mining with Bluetails in Frozen Siberia.” New Zoo Magazine, June, pp. 65-67. *****

Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1985). “City Officials Are A Lot Like Poisonous Mushrooms.” Unnatural History, April, pp. 78-91. *****

Dr. Jerry Archbibble (1988). “Fighting Off Predatory Municipal Agencies With Both Hands Tied Behind Our Backs and Still Managing To Be the Best Zoo in the Hellmouth-Cheesequake-Runnamuck Area.” In History of Hellmouth, Vol. 19, ed. Rupert Gluzeman, pp. 421-429. *****

Christopher Shaw (1990). "Trapping Wild Stinky Galagos with Dr. Jerry Archbibble: The Experience of My Life." Reader's Digest, 928:35-39. *

WHAT IS....? Cont. from page 3.

port and set-up. Pruner's can even festoon your lawn with fake but real-looking gobo roots and silvervine...

[Alright, alright!]

The Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium is just a zoo, OK? We have a lot of exotic animals, you know? Sometimes they die and have to be cremated, OK? What else can I tell you?

WELL, WE CERTAINLY HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR LETTING DR. ARCHBIBBLE INTO THE NOOZ. WE HAD NO IDEA THAT HE WOULD JUST USE US TO JUSTIFY HIS QUESTIONABLE ACTIVITIES. HOW COULD WE GUESS THAT HE WOULD SIMPLY TRY TO FOIST ON YOU A THINLY-DISGUISED ADVERTISEMENT FOR PRUNER'S IMITATION TREE FARM? OH WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME WE'LL HAVE BETTER LUCK. DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS, KIDS.

Find the six Lucky Stars in the next exciting issue of the Nooz and win
$1,000,000.00!!!!!

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Produced as a public service by the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon, the Nocturnal Primate Society, Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm, the Mad Monkey Disease Support Center, the Bluetail Foundation, Odd Brothers Primate Paraphenalia, KNUZ-FM, Vern's Video Village, the Gorgonzola Gazette, the Jujube Society of Cheesequake, Lou's Leaves 'N' More, and the Tanzania Department of Parks, Wildlife and Economic Development.

YEAR IN REVIEW Cont. from page 3.

saltation') is somehow a deviant mode of locomotion for primates. “It isn't,” said one Brother decisively. In early September, Sir Henry Wadston Peepsworth Pigglesham, O.P.E., the compiler of the comprehensive and authoritative Pigglesham's Comprehensive and Authoritative Guide to the Mouse Lemurs, finally expired after a long bout with mad monkey disease. He apparently contracted the illness sometime during his 25-year study of the LESSER DWARF MOUSE LEMUR, or the Pigglesham's lemur as it is now more commonly known.
      The primate community was shocked to learn in October about the sudden and unanticipated closing of the Grimms-Finch Primate Research and Rehabilitation Centre near Wixmount Abbey in Staffordshire, Great Britain, which was considered by anthropoids and prosimians alike to be the research center of choice for anyone who had to go to one. All primate “guests” were able to come and go freely, and each had a 10'x10' 'room' equipped with TV, VCR, coffee maker and wet bar.
      November dawned hot and hazy below the equator in Mole Creek as workmen proceeded apace to establish separate but equal 36" telescopes at the Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory for the continuously fussing and fueding Drs. Mawbanna Waddamana and Basil Smith. The year closed on an alarming note in December as new figures were published on the high poaching rate of RUBY-THROATED MACAROONS and the declining populations of the POT-BELLIED STINKY GALAGO and the SOUTH MAKANZA MOUNTAIN BROWN STINKY GALAGO. Toilet claw carvings have lately become immensely popular in Asia, and a toilet claw in good condition can fetch anything up to two and a half Gabonese dollars, thus severely impacting these two subspecies which have very large toilet claws.
      In summary, we can only say that things are bad and getting worse, so from all of us here to all of you out there, we wish you Happy Foraging in 1992.