Page Two
  
“THE NOOZ GETS
    SOMETHING OFF ITS CHEST!”
        
      Well, we warned you, didn't we?  Didn't we warn you?  DIDN'T WE?? We didn't?  Well, we should have.  Anyway, we warned somebody.  We don't remember who it was, but one of them had black hair and the other had a limp.  We laid out all the dirt for them to see, and they didn't blink even once.  We gave them a major presentation with slides and all.  We told them about Dr. Archbibble and what we had learned about his past. The stinky galago incident.  The missing snack stand funds.  His expulsion from the Advisory Board of the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society. Everything.  They looked at us in disbelief and smiled oddly as though they thought there was something wrong with us.  We reminded them to tell their friends and they promised to, but we doubt they ever did.
      Now that the awful news about Dr. Archbibble has broken over us like a grease-filled balloon, we feel compelled to suggest and not embarrassed to point out that if anyone had listened to us in the first place, none of this would ever have happened.  Looking back on it now, the signs were so clear, the signals so unambiguous, but we were the only ones who noticed them.  No one was looking to the editorial staff of the Nooz for advice on how to solve the problems of the Hellmouth Zoo, nobody was asking us what we thought, nobody cared.  We yearned to be consulted.  After all, we have a certain expertise.  We know a thing or two.  We hungered for their favor, we ached to be treated with some respect, some dignity, some esteem even, but noooo!
      So when some overdressed underlings from the Zoo came to our office in obvious desperation the other day wanting to know who we might recommend as the new director, we turned our backs on them.  We busied ourselves putting away our files, we suddenly had golf dates, we had to clean up that mess in the corner, we refused to speak to them.  But that was wrong too, and we understand that now.  It's all so clear.  Didn't we say it would turn out this way?  Didn't we??  We didn't? Well, we ought to have.
  
 
  GIANT SPACE PRIMATE STILL
  HEADING TOWARD THE EARTH
 
200 Months Ago Today
  

      200 months ago today Dr. Jerry Archbibble of the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium's night keeper staff was awarded the coveted Pin of Appreciation by the Hellmouth Town Council in a lovely ceremony hosted by the Antlered Animals Lodge Hall, of which he has been a member for approximately four decades.  The award, a small pin lovingly engraved with the words of the Hellmouth motto, was in recognition of Dr. Archbibble's work in designing enclosures for stinky galagos and other lemuroids, and was presented to him by Council President Pede Maxwell.  This was only the third awarding of the Pin of Appreciation in the history of Hellmouth, the first two having been returned by the Post Office after failing to locate the awardees.

      200 months ago today was the excavation of the inaugural hole for the first imitation tree in the United States at Pruner's Imitation Tree Farm.  The first spadeful of soil was removed by Dr. Jerry Archbibble, the night stinky galago keeper at the Hellmouth Zoo, and was preserved for posterity in a glass jar which today sits on a shelf at the Man and Mammal Museum in Cheesequake. The original jar was tragically broken by a careless employee in 1991, but much of the soil was recovered and was later placed in a jar that was very similar to its predecessor.  The first imitation tree was soon followed by others, and that was the beginning of what would eventually become a booming business.

      200 months ago today durian-flavored ice cream was introduced at Joe's Pretty Good Cafe at the suggestion of Dr. Jerry Archbibble of the Hellmouth Zoo.  Even in those days there were a few primates around Hellmouth, and Joe had just bought the cafe and really needed the business. That was when things started to go downhill for Joe.  Customers began drifting away, and there was a stain he couldn't get off the bottom of the coffeepot.  He dropped durian ice cream the following spring and then changed the name of his establishment to Joe's Not So Bad Cafe, but things were never quite the same after that.
(OANA)  Mole Creek, Tasmania.  That giant space primate which has been heading toward the Earth for the last few issues is still heading toward the Earth, experts say.  There has been absolutely no deviation in its heading or velocity since it was first detected, and its present course is bringing it every day inexorably closer and closer.
      This startling news was revealed today in twin tersely-worded announcements from the press office at Chudleigh-Lilydale Royal Tasmanian Primatological Observatory, where for the past several months Drs. Mawbanna Waddaman and Basil Smith have been scanning their surroundings through separate but equally-powerful 36" telescopes.  There is still no word as to the taxa of the enormous space-dwelling simian, and this question has been at the heart of many quarrels even more bitter and rancorous than those which are commonplace between these two normally irascible scientists.
      Mole Creek's Mayor, Spencer Wooleroo, said recently that he is keeping a sharp eye on the matter and will keep the public informed.
 

ARCHBIBBLE FIRED Cont. from page 1.

border of twisted gobo roots, hung dispiritedly at half mast, and keepers wandered listlessly hither and thither.
      Dr. Archbibble only became zoo director in the fall of 1989, after the previous director retired, but he has been associated with the Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium since its founding some twenty-two and a half years ago, in positions as varied as ungulate feed hay inspector, acting snack stand coordinator, assistant vice-president in charge of refunds, apprentice ash sifter, chief of the wheelbarrow maintenance division, stinky galago keeper, tour guide and docent chairman.  There has been no word yet as to a possible replacement.
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