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Do you miss the old days when the fruit wagon would roll through your home range?  You'd hear the fruit man calling, “Fruit, fruit,” and you'd get so excited. You'd climb or leap or swing down to that gleaming white fruit wagon, and the fruit man would have every kind of fruit you like at every stage of ripeness.  Well, you don't have to miss those days anymore, thanks to the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, which is bringing a great idea back.  Soon, thousands of green and yellow electric fruit wagons will be plying the rainforests from Bali-Bali to Borneo and from Gabon to the Amazon, bringing you all the fruit you'll ever want, and a bit more.  For a map of prospective fruit wagon routes, write to the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corp., 99 Corporation Plaza, Suite 1001, Cheesequake, AZ.

Don't know what to do with Junior in June?  Open up your wallet and send him to Piet's Primate Summer Camp.  Make it possible for him to spend a glorious two months swinging from tree to tree and searching for food in the challenging but protected environment of Kualakurun Primate Reserve on the strange and peculiarly-shaped SE Asian island of Borneo.  Three divisions according to canopy level.  Outdoor classes in obtaining water from leaves, knowing your toxic vegetation, fruiting patterns of common rainforest trees, predator dangers, and night nest building. Personally overseen by the tall and lanky Dutch primatologist and tarsier expert Piet Mons Apeldoorn and a thoroughly capable staff of native assistants.  Anthropoids and prosimians are welcome, but please, no tree shrews. Requests for information will be forwarded gladly if mailed to: Piet's Primate Summer Camp, c/o Primate Nooz Summer Camp Department, Hellmouth, AZ.

John Barksdale Co., Inc., owners of the Old Primate Retirement Home right here in Hellmouth, announces the opening of two new facilities, the Even Older Primates Retirement Village out by the Used Tire Reclaiming Yards, and the Practically Dead Primates Special Care Center. If either of these categories applies to you, call us quickly at 1-888-699-9999.

NOOZ:  “Hello?”
Caller:  “Hi.  I'd like to talk to the Nooz Phone.”
NOOZ:  “This is the Nooz Phone.  Go ahead.”
Caller:  “Is this the Nooz Phone?”
NOOZ:  “Yes. Who are you?”
Caller:  “Am I on the Nooz Phone?”
NOOZ:  “Are you deaf or something?  This IS the Nooz Phone.  What do you want?”
Caller:  “I'm trying to reach the Nooz Phone.”
NOOZ:  “Well, you've reached it!  What's your name?”
Caller:  “Eric.”
NOOZ:  “Eric who?”
Caller:  “Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus.”
NOOZ:  “Come on fella, what's your real name?”
Caller:  “That is my real name.”
NOOZ:  “OK.... (PAUSE)  So, what did you call about today, Eric?”
Caller:  “I thought the new format the Nooz tried a few issues ago was really neat, except it didn't have my feature in it.”
NOOZ:  “And what feature might that have been?”
Caller:  “Report from the Field.”
NOOZ:  “Oh, you're the one who goes all those places and whose car breaks down all the time and you never sees anything anyway?”
Caller:  “I do too.”
NOOZ:  “And didn't you get arrested or something?”
Caller:  “That wasn't my fault.”
NOOZ:  “Yeah, like trying to break into Monkey Island Prison was just an accident.”
Caller:  “I just wanted everyone to know that I'm back and I'm OK.”
NOOZ:  “We knew you were back.  We read your stupid 'Report' from Blarney-Killarney.”
Caller:  “I couldn't help it if Sir Ian left.”
NOOZ:  “How many Stouts did you have anyway?”
Caller:  “I just thought you might be interested in what I had to say about the new format.”
NOOZ:  “Well, we aren't.”
Caller:  “Alright, I won't call again.”
NOOZ:  “Good and goodbye.”