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ANNOUNCEMENTS
Due to the unfortunate collapse of the Nooz building, all
regularly scheduled announcements have been temporarily suspended.
RECOMMENDED READING:
Professor Ambato Ambilobe (1989). “What is the
Aye-aye-aye?” Primate Nooz, 89:3-4. *****
Ralph Spouty, “Hunting the Hell Monkey of Gabon.” Field
and Stream, Dec. 1955, 58-68. *****
Dr. Dick Doody (1989). “Relief of Chinaman's Elbow
by New Cryogenic Surgical Techniques.” Journal of
the Hellmouth Medical Association, 89:231-250. *****
Christopher Shaw (1989). “Major Building Collapses
I Have Witnessed.” Reader's Digest, 906:32-44.
**
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NOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICE
Due to economic considerations
of the direst dimension, it has unfortunately become impossible
to continue publishing the Primate Nooz in the following
languages: Bengali, Hindi, Marathi, Svengali, Punjabi, Tamil,
Urdu, Slovenian, Gaelic, Berber, Mongol, Afrikaans, Pashto
and French. If you are a reader who insists on using
one of these inconvenient languages, you're out of luck. For
the time being, however, we will still put out special editions
in Breton, Esperanto, Magyar, Manchu, Sumerian, Hittite, Etruscan,
German, Farsi and Dayak.
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Exquisite female Loris tardigradus, height 220mm,
weight 260g, intermembral index 92, with stiltlike legs, soft
wooly fur, pear-shaped eye patches and large brown eyes, flexible
hips, and attractively mobile ears, seeks olfactory communication
with any available adult male. D20.
Single red and white male frilled indri anxious to do his
part to speed up the slow reproductive rate of the species
by mating with as many females as possible. I am into
hanging out during the day and eating young leaves and fruit.
Let's get together and do some vertical clinging and
leaping, if you know what I mean. F9.
Adult female Propithecus diamondia with long, muscular
legs and a long furry tail, active scent glands, a single
pair of axillary teats, a reduced tooth-comb, lovely brown
neck patch, and typical lemuroid dentition. Partial
to leaves and fruit, and the odd insect, but won't say no
to a bit of bark or dead wood. Male in my group transferred
last week, and my estrous period is coming up. I don't
have a lot of time, only 42 hours to be exact, so I need a
male to respond to this ad quickly, or else I won't have a
hairless and black-skinned baby to clutch to my abdomen the
way all my girlfriends do.
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Produced as a public service
by the friendly folks down at the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale
Corp., with funding provided by Georgia Pacific Gabon,
the Matsushita Chopstick Co., the Guenon Guild of
East Africa, the Bluetail Foundation, the Arizona Spleen
Association, the Page Museum Laboratory Workers Emergency
Compensation Board, Rainforest Removal, Inc., Nick's Ditchdigging Service, and the USSR Academy of Primatology,
Minsk. |
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© M. Charters, 1989, Sierra Madre,
CA.
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Dear Editor,
I noted with interest
your article by Professor Ambato Ambilobe entitled, “What is
the Aye-Aye-Aye?” I happen to have evidence that the
aye-aye-aye and the aye-aye are not as distantly related as Dr.
Ambilobe seems to think they are. Regrettably, my evidence
has been rejected by all of the journals I have submitted it to,
no doubt due to a cabal of scientists probably working for Dr. Ambilobe.
Also, my doctorate from the London School of Primate Affairs
has been summarily rescinded. I have even been asked to resign
from the Hellmouth-Cheesequake Country Club, although I suspect
my old nemesis Dr. Oondóué M. Boué may have
been behind that. He's still trying to kill me, you know.
That open manhole I stepped into? That wasn't an accident!
I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME MAN I WAS!! AND IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!!
HIM AND THOSE DAMN BLUETAILS!! I WISH I'D NEVER LAID
EYES ON ANY OF THEM!! What do you think?
Reginald Pennyworth Maudlin-Jones
Dear 'Reg,'
Thanks for your
comments.
Dear Editor,
I'm a silverback
here in Rwanda, and people keep telling me that my scapulae have
the morphological features normally associated with brachiation,
but no matter how much I try, I can't seem to get the hang of it.
What gives?
Zuzu
Dear 'Zuzu,'
Let's face it. You're
just too damn fat to climb trees. Lose some weight and get back
to me.
Dear Editor,
What are you guys,
crazy or something? Are you aware that there's a war going
on down here in Central America? Like with bombs and bullets?
That just might possibly have an effect on so-called wildlife?
We're risking our lives here and we can't even get the Nooz
half the time. If you really care about the cause of primates like
you say you do, you would print some articles such as “The
Effect of Napalm on New World Monkeys,” “Bomb Disrupted
Nesting Patterns of Red and Black Howler Monkeys,” and “Strategies
for Mating Under Fire.” They would be very useful to
Nooz readers, and I happen to have articles that cover those
very subjects, and a few more. I would be happy to offer them
to you for only a modest charge. What do you say?
Howard
Dear 'Howard,'
Sorry, we don't
freelance. Try PRIMATE LIFE.
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