Dear Editor,
My problem is that I don't know
what I am. Some people
say that I'm a prosimian, but many others claim that I'm an
anthropoid. This has caused me a deep identity crisis.
What should I do?
A. Tarsier
Dear 'A',
We here in the cluttered and
claustrophobic offices of
the Primate Nooz are not exactly sure just what you are,
but
for your information, we refer you to the excellent article on
page 3, "What is the Tarsier?" by Mr. Win Wing Wan,
lately of the Beijing Zoo. Perhaps this will help.
Dear Editor,
I fear for my life because of
a group of chimpanzee
bullies that is constantly chasing me and trying to knock me
down. Do I have any legal recourse?
Bubbles
Dear 'Bubbles',
We suggest that you try to work
out your problems with
this other group, perhaps by rejoining them with reduced
rank. If the alpha male is involved, you will probably have to
do some serious groveling. Have you tried communicating
in American Sign Language?
Dear Editor,
I'm a wooly monkey from Quiriquiri
in Venezuela. My
species is being intensively hunted for food, because the
word is apparently out that we taste good. I don't know
why anyone would want to eat me, do you?
Woolly Willy
Dear 'Woolly',
No, we don't. Having tried
Lagothrix meat a few years
back, we can only say that there's no accounting for some
people's tastes. Try to stay out of sight.
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