Vol. 89,  No. 5
Hellmouth, Arizona
Sep. 10, 1989
  ANCIENT SCROLL TELLS
  STORY OF PRIMATE PAST!
       
When Dr. Professor Miedzyrzecz von Chechowice-Dziedzice travelled to the tiny, unmapped African nation of Badongo-Gazimbi last September with the internationally respected Chairman of the Sigsbee Junior Night College Paleolinguistics Department, Dr. R.L. Prenter-Sprague, he never imagined that he would by the purest chance stumble onto the primatological find of the twentieth century, a find so exciting and controversial that he has been reluctant to even discuss it until now, but about which he spoke on Tuesday in an exclusive interview with Nooz African correspondent and bureau chief Karonga Tukuyu, in which he recounted the momentous events of that particularly significant day.
        The sharp-eyed Pole was taking his usual siesta under the spotty shade of a dwarf baobab tree when he heard a frantic yell from one of his native assistants named Akula, whose brother-in-law has five wives.  He reluctantly opened his eyes to see the amber-colored assistant standing breathlessly in front of him.  “Efe nogoro luaka bosithi-sithi?” he asked quickly in properly grammatical Badongo-Gazimbian.  “Nakura ulu efe aku satimbi bono-bono aku wazuti,” was the assistant's impatient reply.  Von Chechowice-Dziedzice leaped to his feet in astonishment, overturning his hammock and causing a large cloud of dust to rise about him.  “Satimbi abula nawaka koto ugogi?” he queried unsteadily, his heart beating rapidly.
         The assistant looked at him as if he were a crazy person. “Akima ulu efe watutu simbi masotho-sotho waktu obi-obi,” he answered in obvious agitation, and then ran off.  Dr. von Chechowice-Dziedzice followed him for several miles through brush and scrub and across a lizard-infested hillside, struggling to keep up with the diminutive but
(Cont. on page 2)   
 

 HELLMOUTH ZOO BREEDS
 RARE STINKY GALAGOS

(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  Many eyebrows and not a few noses were raised last Thursday as an unfamiliar and unpleasant odor began wafting out over the community from newly-renamed Beazleton Memorial Park, which has for years been the home of the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium, and where for the past month hard-working zoo officials have been quietly engaged in a difficult and delicate project to breed the extremely rare and highly-endangered Gabonese stinky galago, something that has never before been done in North America.
        According to long-time Director Mr. Horsley P. Bittenbender, the Hellmouth Zoo was fortunate recently to receive 927 breeding pairs of the difficult-to-obtain and exceedingly smelly African prosimians.  “We can't help how they smell,” he said, “we just get used to it.” He stated further that the Gabonese government had been reluctant to part with them, but that after literally tens of minutes of intensive negotiation, the top wildlife authorities from the cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza Mountains region agreed to exchange their country's entire population of the offensive-smelling primates for six cartons of paper drinking cups and some 1988 calenders from the Hellmouth Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center.
        Newly-elected Mayor Frank Pruner at an early morning press conference hailed the unprecedented exchange, while Hellmouth Sheriff Poppy Rosebud grimly vowed to look into the matter.  The park where the Zoo is located was renamed in honor of former Mayor John Barnesworth Beazleton, USMC Ret., who died suddenly in May of an apparent case of gobo root poisoning.  A memorial statue is planned for the grassy area between the Zoo and the Hellmouth Tar Pit, and early designs show the former mayor standing with outstretched arms welcoming the public to the Park, and eating a gobo root.

  
BLUETAIL DROWNS IN
HELLMOUTH TAR PIT
(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  A bluetail guenon, species Cercopithecus subterraneus, has apparently fallen victim to the irresistable lure of the Hellmouth Tar Pit. Wandering too close as it began to get dark last Wednesday, the purblind primate fell into the tarry mass of Ice Age bones, including those of the giant cave mouse, the sabertooth rattlesnake, and the so-called rhinoceros camel, all former residents of the greater Hellmouth-Cheesequake-Runnamuck area. Dozens of people each year tour the nationally heard-of Hellmouth Tar Pit, which is situated in Beazleton Memorial Park, next to the Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium.  
       The Nooz has frequently campaigned for more secure fences and warning signs around the Tar Pit, because primates regularly fall into it. Last year, a pair of really slow lorises was fished from the northwest corner, which fortunately is the shallowest area of the Pit, and after having being vigorously washed with a detarring solvent, they were able to continue on their way.  Two years ago, however, an entire group of picnicking Croesus monkeys slipped on a wet sidewalk and slid into the Pit, never to be heard from again.  City Fire Marshall (and Sheriff) Poppy Rosebud is now investigating the regrettable accident, and has promised a report to the City Council soon.
 
Primate Nooz is published whenever we are not busy defending ourselves against lawsuits, by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief. Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America (except for Costa Rica).  Back issue may be obtained by writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o Thudwick, Thudwick, Marblehead and Thudwick, Cheesequake, AZ.
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