Nooz5C

1988: The Year in Review

Baldwin Muggeridge, who happened to be wearing purple spectacles at the time.
        There was no dry season to speak of in 1988 and the ever-present rain caused much grumbling and mold among most primate populations. The 'Raincoats for Primates' program, much heralded by the Nooz, was quickly swamped by the demand and was temporarily discontinued in October until further deliveries could be arranged for.
      The habitat of the Gabonese STINKY GALAGO finally shrank to zero in November when the last of a block of exclusive condominiums and trendy shops was completed in the heart of the cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza Mountains. As of the publication of this issue, several dozen of the disagreeable-smelling prosimians were wandering around the forest looking for someplace else to live.
        In December, Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho was named Chairman of the Committee to organize next year's Great Apes and Lesser Primates Dinner, to be held in Cheesequake. He was quick to declare that, barring some unforeseen difficulties, the FRILLED INDRIS and the FLOWERY POTTO would not again be left off the list of invited guests.
        In summary, the editors of Primate Nooz can only state once again that our situation is tenuous and getting worse, and that in all likelihood there will not be too many more editions of “The Year in Review.” So, from all of us here to all of you out there, we say “Happy Foraging in 1989”.

T-SHIRTS NOW
AVAILABLE AGAIN

After having been badgered unmercifully for months, Primate Nooz is again proud to offer for sale to the general public an incredible selection of high-quality 100% cotton T-shirts in pygmy, small, medium, large and giant sizes, and selling for a mere $24.95 each or three for $89. "They will be imprinted with the logo of “Primate Nooz” in black or white, and will be available in the following colors: rainforest green, chopstick yellow, beryl, malabar, sinople, jacinthe, ardoise, fustic, eveque, violine, prawn, griege, tuscan, muscade and/or sennet, and reddish. (Please state first six color choices when ordering). Anyone purchasing ten or more shirts will receive absolutely free of charge a beautifully-xeroxed copy of Mr. Chris Shaw's latest Reader's Digest article, “Cladogenesis for Fun and Profit.”

Well, it was another bad year. Our populations are shrinking, greedy timber companies ate up more of our habitats, the ozone hole is doing funny things to the weather and it feels like we're living in a greenhouse, the Nooz organization was racked by scandals, and our two sister publications have turned maliciously against us, but aside from that it has not been much better.
        The Hellmouth County Fair was pretty much of a bust this year. Held in the second week of January, the turnout was disappointingly low. There was no clear winner in the 'bobbing for durians' contest, the monkey toss resulted in several serious injuries, the Cheese-quake Junior High School Band that was supposed to entertain us was decimated by the Bornean flu, and it rained most of the day.
        In February, a baby BUSHBABY was found wet and whimpering in an orange crate at the back of the Tropical Flora and Rainforest Research Center here in Hellmouth. No one has claimed it yet, and the Nooz may be forced to adopt it to replace Arnold, the lately deceased AYE-AYE-AYE who was our official mascot. In March, the Annual Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society Convention was the scene of much heated controversy when the governing board regretfully had to expel several members who turned out not to be extinct. One, the GREATER BAMBOO LEMUR, was dragged screaming from the ballroom at the Hellmouth Holiday Inn and had to be sedated, while the GIANT MOUSE LEMUR merely wept.
        April was marked by the death of Basil, the world's last BLEARY-EYED BABOON, and by market upheavals which severely disrupted the foraging behavior of the South American JUMPING SPIDER MONKEY. In connection with this, we feel that we should point that it is completely untrue, as has been reported in PRIMATE LIFE, that this species is or has ever been venomous. Reginald Pennyworth Maudlin-Jones resurfaced in May after a long period in hiding, and claimed that his former colleague, Dr. Oondóué M. Boué, was trying to kill him. He stated in an exclusive interview with the Nooz that he had had absolutely nothing to do with the disappearance of the entire population of BLUETAIL GUENONS from Dr. Boué's Makokou Study Area in Gabon. Nothing at all happened in June.
        A travelling troop of ROSEATE BABOONS arrived in Hellmouth in July to lobby for the Nooz's support in saving their habitat. Unfortunately, publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. were on vacation at the time, and the assistant editor had no idea what they were talking about and sent them away. In August, there was a tremendous uproar when the Nooz resident primatologist, Dr. Homer Perry, announced that the SLENDER LORIS had been taxonomically misrepresented, and that most if not all of the primates previously considered to be slender lorises were actually regular lorises with bulemia. “They binge and purge,” he said with a grin, “just like people.”
        One of 1988's few bright spots for the primate community was the selection in September of a PURPLE WANNABY as the Mammal of the Year. The medium-sized and pointy-headed simian is really amaranth in color, but was called purple because it appeared that way to its discoverer, Dr. P. Malcolm